Is there a way to preempt those with legal control of my mom, who want to dump her in a horrible "memory care" facility?

Who is caring for her now? Children usually don't want to move their parent into a facility, but caring for them may have become too difficult. Talk to your siblings about the why of the change and ask them if they want to try your house first. I do have to warn you that it won't surprise me if you discover pretty fast why they chose to move her to memory care.

BTW, I've seen a few facilities. They are not like dungeons at all. You may feel better if you visit the facility.

She is in assisted living now, not in my siblings' care,and I only get to spend one day a week with her. Most of those siblings have not even seen the facility they want to move her to. I have, and I am considering reporting it.
The "why" is a dysfunctional (read "control freak" and a bunch of sibs who feel so guilty that they are not there, that they will do whatever the local sib suggests. And mom pays the price
She has expressive aphasia, so cannot speak for herself.

I'm so sorry
Are finances playing a role in the decision or do you live where there are few options for memory care ?

Does your mother have a health care surrogate? Someone who could communicate on her behalf? I believe that is different than having legal control. What other conditions does she have besides expressive aphasia? Have you communicated with her doctor? Why can you only see her once a week?

I take it that the AL is saying thst your mom needs a higher level of care and can no longer handle her?

When you say " legal control" do you mean that your sibling has guardianshop over your mother? That would mean that 2 doctors have cerified, and a judge has agreed, that your mother no longer has the capacity to make decisions that are in her own best interest.

If this is the case, your sibling may not just be a control freak. S/HE is charged by the courts with providing your mother with the proper level of care to keep her safe. If the AL says they can no longer handle her, it may mean she is attempting to elope. What is your plan to provide 24/7 supervision and care for her?

Would that care plan stand up to a judge' s scrutiny? Write it up and submit it to the court.

Babalou, you wrote what I was thinking. There is a lot more to this story than we're reading. The profile says the mother has Alz/dementia. Goldfinch, I'm wondering if you're only able to visit once a week now, then how would you be able to devote 24/7 to your mother's care. Was someone keeping you from visiting more often before? There seems to be a real bitterness against all the other siblings for wanting to move your mother to the dungeon.

The biggest question in my mind is if the AL facility had requested the move.

goldfinch, why not help your siblings find another memory care facility. I see you live in the Atlanta, Georgia area, thus there are more than a dozen places that offer Assisted Living/Memory care. From the names listed, many of them have very good ratings.

Please note, if your Mom's current facility says she needs a higher level of care, that would mean if you did bring your Mom home, you would need 24 hour care, thus 3 shifts of caregivers. I assume you would take one shift, and hire out 2 other shifts. You would need to set up your home similar to Assisted Living/Memory Care.

My Dad had 3 shifts of caregivers at home and it cost him $20k, so be ready for the sticker shock. If you plan to take the night shift yourself, be ready for very little sleep. My boss's wife had Alzheimer's and most days he came into the office with 2 or 3 hours of sleep.

Goldfinch,

You do not understand the day to day of caring for a patient that has reached that level.
Believe me, after a couple nights of no sleep because she is wandering all over and cannot be left alone...because she is calling constantly for help, etc. after a day or two of explosive diarrhea all over the bath, bedroom, halls, etc. you would begin to know that a memory care facility is the only way to go. Honestly, the assisted living facility cannot deal with the issues. And will not. It is not their role. If you believe you can....then, hire a carpet cleaner, a daily house keeper, and make sure your washing machine is in good repair.

Can you imagine what a facility that has many, many patients who are all in that condition must smell like in the morning? I am a neat freak, and the morning in this house was awful. Till the carpet cleaner was in, and the bed striped for the daily washing, and the bath rugs washed and hung out....believe me, my home stunk. Every morning. Every day. Just image that ... But multiply by 50 patients!

Visit in the evening, or at least in the late afternoon. The morning clean up isn't a fair determination of the facility...since they are still in the cleanup phase of the morning mess.

Goldfinch
Have you visited the facility? Have you looked at others? They are not as dank and dreary as they once were. They are regulated by the Health Department. Have you looked at ratings for this facility on Medicare's or the State website? Have there been any reports or investigation requests? Look up the information, you may be surprised.

Dark and smelly sounds bad. What kind of ratings does it have online? (PM me if you'd like help looking into it.) Some facilities really are bad, or at least a poor match. Can you propose a viable alternative? If not, can you do anything to brighten up the place for her? Also, if the staff are compassionate and caring it can make up for a place being on the dumpy side.

goldfinch, yes you can step up at the assisted care facility and agree to be with mom for all her waking hours so she doesn't have to be moved out. Have you volunteered to do that?

Many thanks to all for your thoughtful replies.
I do have training / licensed as an Ombudsman for the Elderly in California, and an EMT with specialty in geriatric care and have done elder care, so I DO understand the level of care involved. My mom is not currently a night time wanderer, diarrhea is not common, but happens. No the AL cannot care for her- they say "if she can't get to meals by herself, she doesn't eat". She does not get to meals by herself and the lack of nutrition definitely impairs her cognitive capability. That is one of my biggest concerns about where she is now. I live 1.5 hours away right now, work from home 3 days a week, work out of the house weekends and would need care for her then. She has been getting private daily care in the AL 5 days a week, but even that is not enough as she cannot keep track of time of day to get to meals and needs help bathing. (The times I was there on her bath night, nobody came to help her. She now has open sores on her back)
I am happy to bring her here- (already have the walk-in shower and accessible toilet). But I cannot make a three hour round trip drive daily to take care of her.
The facility is awful- no natural light, blinds drawn, figures slumped over tables with a drink and straw in front of them, and awful odor. My mom is nowhere near that level of deterioration and enjoys accompanied walks outside, watching the birds, and is very pleasant . She is not a flight risk. I enjoy my time with her.
Sibs are not interested in looking for any other facility- the ones that aren't here feel so guilty for not being here and helping that they automatically and without question capitulate to the oldest sib who is here. If I sound bitter, perhaps I am- that the eldest sib will allow her burnout to burn my mom (even though she is not now nor has she ever had my mom in her home)
I appreciate the questions on "legal control" and will follow up.

Sounds like the oldest sibling is the one who's been providing the hard caregiving work and the others have just gone along. I think I'd talk to the oldest sib and see if you can work together to find a more suitable place. Just leave the others out of the decision making process.

I did some quick checking. There's a Sunrise facility is located between Lawrenceville and Snellville in Georgia, NW of Monroe. Looks like it's about 20 miles away.

I've seen two local Sunrise facilities; they're quite lovely, in a Victorian image style.

It might be worth checking out; I never smelled any odors when I toured there some years ago. There were resident pets which added an animal component for the residents to admire and with which they could interact.

Mom cannot stay where she is.

There should be more options than a sub-standard memory care place or your home.

Have you considered a nursing home?

Have you looked at other memory places?

What about a facility near you, so you could visit often?

I would hope that you and your sister can work things out because you both want what is best for your mother. Is Sister the healthcare proxy? POA? Guardian?

When my mom had a stroke, she had been living in an Independent Living facility equadistant to my brother and me, each of us about an hour away. By the time we got to the hospital, several errors had been made because no one had gotten there quickly ( nothing irreversible, thank G-d).

We decided at that point that it was going to be imperative for mom to be in a long term facility quite close to one of us. Given our options, we chose to place her closer to my brother in Connecticut as opposed to near me in Brooklyn. My brother and his family bear the brunt of the caregiving, visiting, etc. I do the most travelling. Compromise is needed, trust in the other party, and an ackowlement that what we are ALL doing is hard.

Try to think the best of your siblings, and try to imagine what has been going on...are they getting several calls a day from the facility? That can be enormously stressful. It sounds like your mom is pleasant, but is she at times suspicious, paranoid or delusional? My mom spent this summer weeping that she had leprosy. It would have been funny if it hadn't been so wearing, especially on my my sister in law.

Try to have a sit down with your sibs with an attitude of understanding and not accusation, of " you've been carrying the load, let me take it up now" and not " you've made a mess of things, i can do better".

Goldfinch, the other sibs aren't interested in looking for an alternative facility, ok; but have *you* looked? What are the alternatives?

If you want to change anyone's mind, you'll need to come up with workable options that won't throw you into direct confrontation with the eldest Sibling-In-Command. Taking your mother out of your sister's location into your home, for example; undertaking a level of commitment that vastly outweighs (read: outshines) everyone else's; these are exactly the kind of things that are the caregiver's equivalent of Joseph and the Coat of Many Colours. They're *going* to say no, and you know that, and you can't overrule them, so don't even bother.

Focus on finding a better memory care facility. Be quick about it, too.

I missed the "memory care" consideration when I suggested Sunrise. I don't know if it does have that capability in the GA facility, but it's worth checking out.

Goldfinch, I remember I was surprised when the Staff at my Dad's Independent Living said it was time to move Dad over to Memory Care. I also didn't think he was ready, as I was already paying for extra level of care. Apparently he needed a higher level of care.

Then I learned from the Staff and from Dad's private caregiver that Dad's memory wasn't as clear as he makes it out to be. Apparently when I was around Dad he was "showboating" which took me by surprise.... I did know at night he was "sundowning" where he was confused.

Also learned that Dad was starting to wander which really concerned me. Dad had been in very early stage of dementia, or so I thought, but dementia can change from stage to stage quickly.

Goldfinch, telephone your Mom in the late afternoon or after dinner, if you can, see if she sounds clear of mind or is off in another time dimension.

Thank you all for your responses, but bottom line, they will not consider any other option but leaving her there. I did a lot of looking, and found a far superior place in the process, but they would not consider it. Hence my question about legal recourse.

goldfinch, if you've already answered this I missed it. But what is the legal situation now? Who has healthcare proxy? (That is the role that can decide living arrangements.) Who has POA? I take it there is no guardianship -- ?? It is hard to talk about legal recourse without knowing the current legal situation.

If your sibs gave guardianship, you could retain a lawyer and challenge what they are doing. If no one has guardianship, you vould petition the court for that role. Both of these options are expensive. From what I've read here, when a judge sees siblings not in agreement, s/he will sometimes appoint a third party to be guardian.

Is there a history of bad blood berween you and your siblings? Would those in control be open to a mediator acting as an arbitor?

What does your mom want, or is she the kind of person who agrees with whomever is in ghe room?

The eldest siblings have a durable power of attorney, but the Ombudsman's office will go visit my mom with no family members present and ask her what she wants- that in itself is a victory, because if she can/ will voice her opinion, that WILL over-ride the DPOA!

Let us know how this works out. We care.

Yes, Goldfinch! Very interested in what the Ombudsman's findings are.

Most of the time, you have to qualify to be placed into a Memory Care facility. Has your mom's assessment indicated that Memory Care is the level of care that she needs? They provide more direct supervision of the resident and are by far better equipped to care for those with pronounced dementia. I have visited a few and of all the ones that I have seen in NC, none of them were smelly or dark. They were very comfortable places with devoted staff. My loved one has done quite well in her MC.

I wonder if you have visited this Memory Care facility you describe as dark and smelly. Also, if you are interested in bringing your mom to your home to live, I would give it a 2 week trial, so you will see what it entails to care for a patient who has dementia.

Goldfinch, you might also do some research for agencies in your area that provide services similar to ombudsperson services. I can't remember what they're called right now; it's been over a decade since I had the need to contact any, but the Area Agency on Aging might have contact information for such agencies.

I initiated contact b/c we were having problems with the SNF my mother was in for rehab post leg fracture. I got good advice on dealing with the facility, information on it as well as another facility which had a bad reputation, and how to proceed.

My thoughts are that if you find information documenting that this facility is unacceptable, you can share that with the ombudsperson.

You can also research that facility at the Medicare web site; I spent considerable time in the past checking out facilities before I made selections. But be aware that the criteria are more or less impersonal ones - they're based on standard sets of criteria, but as I recall they do address cleanliness.

There's another possible avenue to pursue - if this place is as bad as you describe, it might rise to the level of elder abuse. I would take some photos and provide them to APS, or to the police for investigation of abuse against multiple residents, including your mother.

Good luck. This must be very frustrating for you.

Yes, I have been to the facility, so my description is first -hand. My siblings, (including the one who was trying to tell me how good it was but had never seen it)- have not been there.
The sibs will not support any move, anywhere, for the reasons I stated earlier.
The Ombudsman's office has been alerted to the deficits I noted, so now I need to wait to see what they determine.
Thank you all for your help!

The POA sibling is considering placing your mother in a facility that she has not personally visited?

?!?!?!?!?

My mind's gone blank. I don't know what to say.