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Mum lost her son in 2019 suddenly, and myself my beloved brother.


Fast forward to now, Mum has dementia and is fixated on everyone dying and it’s driving me slightly nuts. Is this PTSD mixed with dementia??


In her mind 4 people have recently suddenly past away and she remains in a grieving state. It’s not only getting her down but it’s getting me down as well as I absorb any negative emotions and it takes me back to my brothers passing when I’m trying to move on and think of positive thoughts. The people she refers to have either passed ages ago (like my uncle or her father) OR they are people we don’t even know of personally (ie a movie actor) but she grieves as if it were personal.


Is there a way I could navigate her brain away from being fixated on death? I’ve avoided talking about my brother but I also don’t want to make her to completely forget about him (ie remove pictures of him around the house).


To me it feels like she’s broadcasting some form of PTSD and is getting confused over who has actually died and when.


I wish she was focused on a more positive thing... :( is this in any way possible or will she forever remain grieving until she no longer remembers these individuals? Obviously counselling would unlikely help as she wouldn’t remember...

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She sounds like she's still grieving &/or or depressed. Have her see someone professionally like a psychologist & psychiatrist in case she requires medication. Has she prepared her funeral? Maybe that's weighing on her mind since so many have died. Does she question what happens after death, maybe she needs to talk with a faith leader? Listen to what it is she focuses her conversation on & see if you can help her with that particular concern. You could also try some forms of distraction, getting her to sing to familiar music, changing topic to something she enjoyed prior to these deaths, have a puppy or kitten visit whether you bring it in or go to the pet store, etc.
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Cappuccino42: Imho, when she starts the negative convo, you could say something akin to 'dear aunt Martha is a wonderful lady; we should visit her sometime' i.e.
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I had someone here that I knew like that. I would gently try to change the subject but it wouldn't work and then I would say I already heard the story. If it did not stop, I would get "louder" and simply come out and tell them again I know the story, I have heard it over and over, and I am NOT going to talk about it. Ask are they willing to stop and talk about something else or not? If not, get up and leave. Works every time.
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Maybe you can use her topic of a certain person to segue into the good things you both remember about this person - kindnesses done, their sense of humor, works of art/movies/songs that they created or enjoyed. It can become a moment of sweet reminiscing rather than morbid.
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Ask your Mom about her happy times. For example, What was your favorite things to do in grade school or do you remember the friends you played with or how about did you have a favorite thing to do with a friend, cousin, mom or dad? That you really would love to do now?
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I had a very similar problem with my mother - I totally get how it can drive you nuts. The best thing to do is keep the atmosphere light and cheerful. Keep the blinds open and let the sunlight in. Play music from her era that she connects to - music is a wonderful distraction! If she watches TV, put on game shows or programs that are upbeat. Make sure the house is well-lit in the evening.
Try to keep her engaged in anything - folding laundry, doing puzzles, calling friends or relatives on the phone, doing scratch off lottery tickets....I even used to get my Mom to do chair exercises, she would laugh and tell me what a pain I am lol
If at all possible, get her outside every day - it is the best mood enhancer - whether she can walk with a walker or needs to be pushed in a wheelchair.
At those times when she is stuck in obsessing and you can't re-direct her, just let her talk and say comforting things like "I know how hard it is for you". You'd be surprised at how little it takes to have her feel "heard", at which time it will be easier to re-direct.
Hope these suggestions help.
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by any chance was your father a veteran? The VA has a program to help spouses of veterans of certain wars for caregivers. My dad was a WWII veteran and we applied for benefits for help with my mom. It takes about 6 months but might be worth contacting the VA to see if she will qualify. That should help you out as family can be paid caregivers with the funds.
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What works with my mom is to redirect her by asking an unrelated question.  She can't juggle the "repeat" or obsession and process my question at the same time.  For example if she keeps telling me that Betty doesn't like her and is trying to get her kicked out of her apartment, I will say something like....hey mom can you help me find a blue sweater in your closet?  Then if I see the wheels turning again a half hour later, I will say something like...what time is it? should we turn on the news?  It prevents her from getting back on that looped topic.

You get better at the redirecting with time.  If she is not already on an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety med, maybe starting one would help as well.
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I agree with Maidenkaz. Also, try to distract and divert as much as possible. Try to engage her in "tasks" that she's willing to do (even if she doesn't do it well), such as folding a large basket of towels or pillowcases -- it doesn't need to be "real" laundry). Have pleasant topics in mind to move on to, or videos on YouTube, like funny animal antics, etc. Play cards, whatever it takes. I'm so sorry for your loss and now this. May you receive peace in your heart and home.
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Cappuccino42 Sep 2021
thank you Geaton777. I guess the issue is that I work full time so I’m unable to keep her entertained or busy continuously. She has refused outside help so puts me in a tough spot. I can’t even pursue becoming her carer “officially” with compensation so that I could drop hours and attend to her more as Mum refuses. Therefore I’m stuck having to work full time hours to make ends meet whilst also attending to her. This means she’s having to keep herself entertained for 8h of the day. I’m working from home so pause to make lunch and attend to urgent tasks only. She’s not capable of folding laundry anymore or playing cards, partially as it just doesn’t interest her, she just says it isn’t necessary. You should see when I try get her involved with cleaning the house together 😂 it ends up in a massive argument where she tells me I’m treating her like a slave when it’s quite the opposite lol. When I cook dinner, instead of taking her finished plate to the sink (which she knows), she will come and drop it in front of my nose despite that I’m still eating and say “here you go, can you take this away”. I was attending to her / spoiling her a lot and I think it’s got stuck the wrong way. TV keeps her busy but can also be negative as certain things are a trigger for her. Now the TV is just on a screensaver displaying photos. I do try play music to her and I do take her for evening walks :) but yes I think she might be depressed.
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Have you tried antidepressants? She has a physical/brain problem and perseveration is common. She is mentally “stuck” and as you say, it is dragging you down too. I am going to suggest another brain channel. From time to time- play music. Play songs of her youth, play upbeat music. It could break through temporarily but the grief will return and therefore medication is warranted.
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