Is there a life for the caregiver who is broke and no place to go, when the one he is caring for may have to go into nursing home? - AgingCare.com

Is there a life for the caregiver who is broke and no place to go, when the one he is caring for may have to go into nursing home?

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I HAVE BEEN TAKING TOTAL CARE OF MY BEST FRIEND FOR OVER SEVEN YEARS ( 24/7 ) NOW HE IS DIABETIC AND HAS PARKINSONS AND IN HIS EIGHTIES AND DURING THIS TIME WE HAVE HAD NO HELP FROM FAMILY OR FRIENDS. I HAVE DOVE INTO TAKING CARE OF HIM IN ALL MATTERS AND NOW HE IS HAVING A REAL HARD TIME WALKING OR STANDING HIS BALANCE ISNT REAL GOOD. HE HAD A TRUST MADE LEAVING ME EVERYTHING. I CAME HERE TO TAKE CARE OF HIM, NOT TAKE EVERYTHING HE HAS ! LIKE SOME OF FAMILY AND FRIENDS WERE DOING BEFORE I STEPPED IN AND STOPPED THAT. MY FRIEND GAVE HIS NEPHEW THE P.O.A. IN THE BEGGINING, AFTER 14 MONTHS OF WAITING FOR HIS NEPHEW TO DO ANYTHING TO HELP HIM AND THE PAIN GETTING WORSE IN HIS LEG, MY FRIEND GAVE ME THE P.O.A.,THEN MY FRIEND AND I GOT HIM ADMIITED INTO THE HOSPITAL AND TOGETHER WE GOT A SPECIALIST FOR HIS LEG WHO SAVED IT NO AMPUTATION. BUT DURING THIS TIME OF REHAB MY FRIENDS NEPHEW AND SOME OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS WERE UPSET THAT I WAS GIVIN THE P.O.A. AND GUARDIANSHIP THAT IS WHEN THE FECAL HIT THE VENTILATION SYSTEM, SO AFTER SIX PLUS YEARS OF FENDING FOR OUR SELFS IT HAS TAKEN A TOLL ON OUR MINDS , HEALTH AND FINANCES . NOW I AM SCARED NO TERRIFIED, WHAT IF THE COURTS ORDER MY FIEND INTO A NURSING HOME, HOW CAN STOP THAT FROM HAPPENING WILL THE COURTS GET EVERYTHING AND LEAVE ME MENTALLY ,PHYSICALLY ,FINANCIALLY BROKE AND HOMELESS. CAN THIS HAPPEN ???

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This is a horrible situation. You aren't alone either, as there are others who have given all to someone they love, and legal ties can cut them off in the end, even when the person they have cared for doesn't want it this way.

Please try these things: Go to your state Web site and type in "aging" to see what help pops up. Also type in "disability."
Follow any links that may be helpful. They should have a National Family Caregiver Support Program and these folks may be a good resource for you.

Try to dial 2-1-1, like you would 9-1-1, on your phone. Many states (not all) have this connection to social services of all type.

Also, I think you should see an attorney. See where, in your state, you can go for what is called "pro bono" help - free. There are attorney's who do this sort of work on the side. Even if you can't find a free one, you should try to find legal help. You need to have your friend make certain you are taken care of. There must be records of the care you've given him. Use those for your case. Social services may be able to direct you.

Good luck with all of this. It's no wonder you are scared. Please let us know how you are doing.
Carol
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You are in your life now...but I think this part must come to an end at some point and you may have to rebuild and start almost from scratch once more. You have been strong enough and compassionate enough to care for a loved friend, use these same skills for yourself and get support where ever you can. You deserve to be safe and whole and happy...I know you are scared. I am too. There is nothing else to do but go on and keep trying....Don't give Up...Do what you need to do to take care of yourself!
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It gets sticky enough when one is caring for family then all the "absentee" family members start to criticize the caregiver. Your situation is even more tenuous. Family always looks at friends as if they are just there for what they can get financially. Funny how the family looked the other way while you were caring for your friend for the last 6 years!
Hang in there. You are doing what is best for your friend. However I agree with J - you need to take care of yourself and secure your financial future. Courts tend to favor the family. Get ready for a battle once your friend passes. Court proceedings may leave you financially and emotionally depelted.
If you are not employed, aside from caregiving, you may want to draw up a contract wherein you are paid for your services now. This is fair to both you and your friend.
Also, you may want to get some legal advice. As Carol mentioned, all states have a "Bar Association." Call them and find out where you can get free or low cost legal advice. And keep receipts and accurate records. I know it's a pain, but when you are dealing with vultures, you need to protect yourself.
good luck
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Good luck with your predicament.

Your story illustrates what I regard as a serious flaw in our legal system and culture. And that is that when someone creates a will or trust that heavlly denies the normal or expected family beneficiaries, that person should be required to spell out in detail the reasons for doing so.

I was a personal witness to a shining example of this. My 104 year old grandmother had 3 sisters still alive about 10 years ago. One was a widow with no children and about $400,000 saved up over the years. When she died it was revealed that one of the other sisters was the sole beneficiary. Turns out that several years prior the beneficiary sister had taken the deceased sister to visit a family friend lawyer and made this secret arrangement. The deceased sister was basically ignorant, never worked, and was half daffy. Creating a situation of "undue influence" with her was probably a piece of cake.

My thinking is that it is a pretty lame system that allows someone of ordinary or worse intelligence, and no special talents, to "steal" $400,000 that easily. One obvious remedy would be to require the party writing the will or trust to spell out explicitly in their own words why the other equal parties are being excluded. Minimum of 100 words. Maybe even require that a few sentences be written directly addressing each of the parties who are being shorted.

Was the reason for the disparity that the one sister took her shopping on several ocassions? Had nice hair? What's the real story? If nothing else, the slighted parties would at least know why they were being disregarded.

Well, personally that case was not a big deal to me, since it would have been "unearned wealth" for all the sisters. But it still illustrates a very stupid flaw in our way of doing things.

In your case, what I would like to see is that your friend informed his family at the time the trust was created. A letter of consent or agreement from each of the concerned family members would be even better. With that in hand, you would be in a much better position today.

I think that what Lilliput said, "If you are not employed, aside from caregiving, you may want to draw up a contract wherein you are paid for your services now. This is fair to both you and your friend." is the key to everything. If you are truly performing a valuable service to your friend, and both you and your friend intend compensation for it, it ABSOLUTELY must be pay as you go.

I'm wondering about a couple of points you left out.

First, what does your friend think about this situation RIGHT NOW? Does he want to honor his original agreement?

Second, what is your living arrangement? Are you living in his house? Is that going to be the bulk of his estate?
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