My dad seems like he has a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde personality and says he doesn't remember saying mean things to my mom. Is this a symptom of dementia or depression?

Sounds like a very normal relationship for a couple that has been married a long time. As long as they are not abusive to each other I would let them alone. They did not survive this long together by accident. Your role now is to keep an eye on things so that if either of them start to fail in health or mental capacity, you can be there to intervene. Do not assume that they will admit when they need your help. Driving a car is usually the first problem you encounter. If the primary driver (mom or dad) begins to have accidents or seem disoriented (can't remember where they parked the car at the mall) then you MUST intervene and take the keys away. Otherwise you are putting innocent people and children in jeopardy.

Sounds like depression, especaially if neither one has outside of the house intrest and activities. I see this with my parents who made their small family, their entire life! Now that the family has grown and moved across the country, all Mom and Dad seem to do is have angry arguments or no communication at all. When prodded to attend the Senior Center, meet and make friends with their neighbors they bucked at the advice. Recently Dad had a bad stroke, lives in a Nursing Home, and Mom is homebound and really feeling the loneliness.
I hope you get some quick solutions for your parents and may we all take heed on how we want to lead the rest of our lives...to the best of our abilities.

take your dad to a doctor for a check up, explain the doctor all the signs, and what you are happening to you. It is hard.They do not mean to be the way they are or some of the things they do. Also make sure you have durable power of attorney in case there is something wrong. Called up edler care in your neighbor hood and make sure doctor runs certain test for the dementia. If it is cought in the begining there is medicine that can help a little for both of you. God bless you. patricia61

Vasmd, this is so hard, I know. Our family has seen the same Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde personality pattern in my father. I have cried many tears in my pillow over this. Just know that you are not alone and you have company and sympathy. A physician can be a big help here by evaluating your father and talking to you about it. There could very well be some dementia going on and the doctor can tell you if there is. And if there is, your Dad can't help it. Hang in there. Your father still needs you and your love.

VAS:

Sounds like cabin fever.

Cabin fever (also known as House Syndrome) is claustrophobic reaction that takes place when a person or group is isolated and/or shut in, in a small space, with nothing to do, for an extended period (as in a simple country vacation cottage during a long rain or snow). Symptoms include restlessness, irritability, irrational frustration with everyday objects, forgetfulness, laughter, excessive sleeping, distrust of anyone they are with, and an urge to go outside even in the rain, snow or dark. Cabin fever can also be known as a term for a lack of sexual intercourse.

Remember that they've been at it for years, so don't take sides. Instead, sit down with them and ask how and where they met, the places they frequented, their favorite foods, etc.. There's a lot of things that brought them together, and somehow they've come to believe all that -- and their love for each other -- died with Disco.

As their daughter, you can be the spark needed to rekindle that relationship. ... Or give them a pair of boxing gloves for Christmas and get out of the way.

-- ED

My Dad has both depression and dementia and says some pretty mean things to my Mom. Several days ago, he got upset with Mom because she did not recognize a couple they'd been close friends with for 40 years. When the couple was here visiting them, Dad had the audacity to tell her that after Christmas he was going to put her in a nursing home. When I've heard him make cracks like this, I tell him "if she goes, you go with her" --- he will promptly shut up when he hears that.

Sometimes he remembers what he said and sometimes he doesn't. Several times a week he complains that we didn't inform him of this or that when we had.

Dad has never talked about his feelings that indicate vulnerability. My mother is several years older than my father and it finally came out in counseling how much fear he has about her passing away before him. I realize now that's been a lifelong habit of his --- to lash out at other people when his insecurities or fears got the best of him.

VAS:

Sounds like cabin fever coupled with a purpose-less existence. Cooped up all day, it's not uncommon for people to lash out at targets they assume won't defend themselves. Then, instead of owning the behavior, claim amnesia.

As Nancy suggested, check out local senior centers -- preferrably with a gym. That way they can take out their pent up frustrations on the bike/treadmill instead of each other. In the meantime treat them both as a unit and avoid taking sides.

Trust me, I had twin boys. Defending/protecting one betrayed the other. The conflict between them sometimes escalated. Other times they'd make up by ganging up against me. ... Don't become their target.

oh yes them are signs.. you can get him to the dr and have a neuro check that will let you know for sure but its signs of dementia

Any one can give advice. You can go to a doctor and they can give test. Some test do not show the begining of the illness. The person that is with him the most see all. Get your dad to the family doctor for a full medical test with blood test included, then tell the doctor the sign you or your mom may be seeing. he will then send you to a specialist. They will sepeak to you both and then will sit dad done and talk and test him. Yes a neuro check is also important to. However the illness of dementia, can be hidden from the person. I know I went through it all. No one would listen to me at first. Even some test proved me wrong until it was too late. Take care and take advice, use you own judgement and think with your heart and your mind. God Bless,

WOW!! Glad to know this is common but again WOW!! And since this is so common, shouldn't there be a common answer? My Parents have said some pretty ugly things, the NH staff tried to kill me. ( Dad says this, and I say Dad, if they wanted to kill you...you wouldn't be here now!) They say things that are not true and get angry at me because I try to bring clarity to the situation. Just recently, Mom said I told her that she wasn't any good. I've never thought let alone said this, I fear that she will began acussing me of doing things like stealing from her that she claims others are doing when she can't find something ( but then says, well I have to blame it on someone other than me).
Actually, I find that Mom has been like this all of her life, now it's magnified 10 fold.

I'm trying to see the rationale here. Most times, people birth children because they want to, but in the end children become responsible for their adult un-ruly child like Parents and we're just supposed to suck it up. Sorry but I'm feeling suckered!!!!
Ok, shoot the arrows but for me, it is what it is.