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My 80 y/o dad seems like he has a Dr Jeckyl/Mr Hyde personality and says he doesnt remember saying mean things to my mom. At other times, he says "well, she says mean things to me too!" I'm certain my mom never starts any arguments, however I can believe that once a heated argument is started (by dad), she just might say mean things too. Is this a symptom of dementia or depression. Mom always complains how "boring" her days are. He watches tv all day, never does anything else. She watches a little tv, does a little laundry, and naps. Any suggestions?

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Any one can give advice. You can go to a doctor and they can give test. Some test do not show the begining of the illness. The person that is with him the most see all. Get your dad to the family doctor for a full medical test with blood test included, then tell the doctor the sign you or your mom may be seeing. he will then send you to a specialist. They will sepeak to you both and then will sit dad done and talk and test him. Yes a neuro check is also important to. However the illness of dementia, can be hidden from the person. I know I went through it all. No one would listen to me at first. Even some test proved me wrong until it was too late. Take care and take advice, use you own judgement and think with your heart and your mind. God Bless,
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oh yes them are signs.. you can get him to the dr and have a neuro check that will let you know for sure but its signs of dementia
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VAS:

Sounds like cabin fever coupled with a purpose-less existence. Cooped up all day, it's not uncommon for people to lash out at targets they assume won't defend themselves. Then, instead of owning the behavior, claim amnesia.

As Nancy suggested, check out local senior centers -- preferrably with a gym. That way they can take out their pent up frustrations on the bike/treadmill instead of each other. In the meantime treat them both as a unit and avoid taking sides.

Trust me, I had twin boys. Defending/protecting one betrayed the other. The conflict between them sometimes escalated. Other times they'd make up by ganging up against me. ... Don't become their target.
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I went though a lot with my mom. I first notice a difference after 911. She was fine the last two years before that. She did start buying things and having papers around , but when people get older they do things. One good thing she did do was, my job had a special program for family members with legal advice. So when I was up in New York I was given a lawyers name so she could get a will, power of attorney and health epoxy on herself with a low cost of $100.00 for all. I had no idea I was the one she was going to place in charge. If I even knew what was going to happen I don't know what I would have done. When 911 happen I had a trip already plan to visit mom, Yes I was there. I was very sad myself however mom started to act different, she was just sent home from the hospital and a stay at a nursing home for rehab. I had just had surgery, but they would not let her come home unless I was there with her. Also bills had to be paid. There visiting nurses and aids since I was unable to lift her. She would just sit and watch TV. Stay up until 4o clock am trying to write out checks. She starting acting very confused. One time she had three diapers on at one time. The aids that was helping wanted to know what wass going on. She did recover from that, however is was only the begining. I also had a hard time getting a flight back to Florida. I was very lucky since my job also had the family medical leave act, I myself had some medical problems, but since I was now the main care taker of mom, If something happen to her it help out. It never worked out that way. It seemed every time I was going in for a surgery, something would happen to her. She feel one time in cold of winter being outside, just thinking there was ice outside and fell and hit her head. I was called and had to fly up to New York. Then she fell and broke a hip, then fell and hurt her arm. I had to mention to the docotor something else is wrong. Not until she started hiting me and seeing things that were not there did he beleive me. The brusies were there on me. Yes she had dementia. I begged him if there was medicine and if he could get me some extra help. I do blame myself for not seeing things sooner, back in 1997 I had to have Gall blader surgery( there was a tumor). I had been plaing a trip to visit mom and also my favoriate Aunt was not doing good. That was mom's sister. I explained after the doctor gave me the Ok to travel I would be up in New York. Well after being back from Surgery, I was out more than six weeks, (you see I only had a reptured appendix in Oct 996, and now we were in early April1997. I was sending cards regular, and one day I asked my boss a small favor if I would be able to check on my Aunt since my vacation was coming up. So I called only to find out that she just died. My own mom was asked several times to visit with her but she refused. My aunt last wish was to see my mom. I knew that something was wrong. My job allowed me to leave as soon as I could get a plane flight. ( vaction was changed to a later date,and funerial leave started. They were so kind they gave me five days with pay. Yes I was a good worker and also a manager. When I called mom she was in shock, she did not beleive me at first. She wanted to know why no one called her. I explained that she just passed when I had called. I did ask Mom why didn't you go and see her, they would even picked you up. No answer. That was my first sign. But I did not know then what it was. Things happen to people. Doctors do not understand only if you know the person 100% and care enough you would know what is really wrong. I live in Florida, so I did know everything. I left New York to get away from the crime and cold. It took two years to get mom to Florida after a bad fall she had after I had been advised by the State of New York to go home get things in order with my family and they would watch over her. I had to talk to my job of 23 years no I was not old enough to retire so I had to give notice in January that I would be leaving in May 2005 It was not fair to my job or to my health flying back and forth it was taking a toll. IIn January of 2005 I had to make an emergency trip when my mom was missing in the hospital. I had a terrible fight with a hospital that time. I was only back from medical leave and big boss let me check on my mom to see how she was. I was told that they were going to put me back on medical leave and call the correct dept, and get in touch with my doctor and personel and medical dept of what was happening. They got me a emergency flight, and told me if the hosptial called they would tell them I was at a docotr's visit.When I arrive in New York my uncle picked me up and we went to the nursing home rehab hospital. They all thought I was a doctor for a big meeeting, just the way I was dressed. When I asked to see Olive Thiel and they found out who I was they were in shock. She was not in her room, I looked all over, and found three ID braclets in her drawer and one under the bed. I went to the nurses station and threw them the braclets.. And asked for them to find my mom. You see she was riding in the elevator. They place a special monitor on my mom's arm band and it was locked inplaced. I got her home and had nurses come in and aids to help clean sssince I could not do it. From that time I never let my mom be without me near by. It took me almost two years to sell the house and things cleaned up. The house wasa mess. Ii found bills not paid, checks not cashed out from the government. Money in church envelopes. hundred of clothes with price tags on them. All very old. Thank god my uncle did live in the upstairs apratment, things could have been worse. My mom came to live with us, but beofre she did I made my hubby come with me to New York to see how she acted with him and also looked around at about ten different places for day care or if things got bad and I could not take care of her. I did find a beatuiful assisting living. My mom was great on the airplane calm, relax, no bathroom problems. She arrive safe and sound to her new home with me and her special room we set up. Things went great for four days, Then it all happen on a tuesday night. She woke up covered in urine. had to was her. Then made her breakfast she thre it in my face. that was ok made sure her sugar was ok and gave her medicine. I slept in the room with her the night before. But when hubby went to work it got worse. I was yelled at, called names, hit at. Told me it was her hoem to get out. Finally I got her to bed, I was so tired I feel a sleep on the toliet, I heard her walk by ( The house was child proof) She sat herself down on my couch with out the special mat, and would not move. I got her into bed, and checked her sugar level, it was so high, and she needed her medicine for the dementia. She would not take the medicine. finally after many try's I got the pill into her. Then I notice her eyes rolled back.I called 911. Fire resuce was at the house in minutes time. I had twenty firemen in one bedroom they checked her vitals, her medicine and her medical records. They said to me very calm that I could not take care of her in the house she was too sick. They were very nice and said they would able to hold her down why I gave her the shot and stay and wait to see if everry wass allright. Her vitals were ok. but however even though four od the firemen held her arms and legs down, while her gave her shots, of course she hit one of them and I was stick witha empty neddle. I was then told go to the doctor, and promise that I would find a safe place to taken care of. We did that the next day. The assisting living I was looking at took her in first as day care, but the firemen were right she was so sick the illness had taken over.She lived there for almost two good years being love and care for. always clean, knowing me at all times. I wass therre all they tiems with her and doing activities with the others. We had fun, mom became my friend, and a became her little girl again. She did have some falls and hospital visits, but I always sleep overr at the hospital's and spent night at the assisting living. playing games watching TV, dancing coloring, making decorations for the holidays. i liitle body statred to fail in late Sept 2009, I was advised they wanted to place her in a hospice hospital, but the assisting living of where she spent two good years, said they would take under the understanding of what was happening she was in the assisiting home from Oct 2, 2009 unitl Oct 5th she died in my arms knowing me until the last minutes. She is at peace now with my day in a national cementary. I am stress out still. I just lost my dear uncle in Oct 2011. If you notice a change speak up until you are heard.
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WOW!! Glad to know this is common but again WOW!! And since this is so common, shouldn't there be a common answer? My Parents have said some pretty ugly things, the NH staff tried to kill me. ( Dad says this, and I say Dad, if they wanted to kill you...you wouldn't be here now!) They say things that are not true and get angry at me because I try to bring clarity to the situation. Just recently, Mom said I told her that she wasn't any good. I've never thought let alone said this, I fear that she will began acussing me of doing things like stealing from her that she claims others are doing when she can't find something ( but then says, well I have to blame it on someone other than me).
Actually, I find that Mom has been like this all of her life, now it's magnified 10 fold.

I'm trying to see the rationale here. Most times, people birth children because they want to, but in the end children become responsible for their adult un-ruly child like Parents and we're just supposed to suck it up. Sorry but I'm feeling suckered!!!!
Ok, shoot the arrows but for me, it is what it is.
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My Dad has both depression and dementia and says some pretty mean things to my Mom. Several days ago, he got upset with Mom because she did not recognize a couple they'd been close friends with for 40 years. When the couple was here visiting them, Dad had the audacity to tell her that after Christmas he was going to put her in a nursing home. When I've heard him make cracks like this, I tell him "if she goes, you go with her" --- he will promptly shut up when he hears that.

Sometimes he remembers what he said and sometimes he doesn't. Several times a week he complains that we didn't inform him of this or that when we had.

Dad has never talked about his feelings that indicate vulnerability. My mother is several years older than my father and it finally came out in counseling how much fear he has about her passing away before him. I realize now that's been a lifelong habit of his --- to lash out at other people when his insecurities or fears got the best of him.
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wajkaag, my first suspicion would be dementia. If not that, there is something definitely wrong with him. He needs help for his sake and for his wife's sake. He needs a thorough examination, perhaps starting with his primary care provider and then maybe a referral to a geriatric psychiatrist or a behavioral neurologist or some onther specialist, depending on what the pcp finds. The doctor may not be able to talk to you about your grandfather (unless HIPPA papers are in place) but he or she can listen to you. In advance of gf's appointment, write a note detailing what has been happening.

What if grandfather doesn't want an evaluation? Threatening your grandmother's life is just too serious not to take action on this. If he can't be persuaded, bring in reinforcements, like his minister/priest/rabbi, if he has one, and/or a friend he respects, and/or social services.
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i wud love to know what you found out my gf is doin kinda the same thing to my gm only he is alot worse even threatened her life & b4 a couple months ago he was quiet and reserved & hardly ever even talked now he yells curses & hides her stuff or throws stuff away or breaks dishes its aweful...
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My mom is demented and she seems to have a split personality. She asks for help and is the mom I used to know. Then a whole different personality which is mean and combative.
She is driving everyone crazy. I just try to calm her down even if I take the abuse. Take frequent breaks so you can continue.
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VAS:

Sounds like cabin fever.

Cabin fever (also known as House Syndrome) is claustrophobic reaction that takes place when a person or group is isolated and/or shut in, in a small space, with nothing to do, for an extended period (as in a simple country vacation cottage during a long rain or snow). Symptoms include restlessness, irritability, irrational frustration with everyday objects, forgetfulness, laughter, excessive sleeping, distrust of anyone they are with, and an urge to go outside even in the rain, snow or dark. Cabin fever can also be known as a term for a lack of sexual intercourse.

Remember that they've been at it for years, so don't take sides. Instead, sit down with them and ask how and where they met, the places they frequented, their favorite foods, etc.. There's a lot of things that brought them together, and somehow they've come to believe all that -- and their love for each other -- died with Disco.

As their daughter, you can be the spark needed to rekindle that relationship. ... Or give them a pair of boxing gloves for Christmas and get out of the way.

-- ED
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Vasmd, this is so hard, I know. Our family has seen the same Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde personality pattern in my father. I have cried many tears in my pillow over this. Just know that you are not alone and you have company and sympathy. A physician can be a big help here by evaluating your father and talking to you about it. There could very well be some dementia going on and the doctor can tell you if there is. And if there is, your Dad can't help it. Hang in there. Your father still needs you and your love.
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take your dad to a doctor for a check up, explain the doctor all the signs, and what you are happening to you. It is hard.They do not mean to be the way they are or some of the things they do. Also make sure you have durable power of attorney in case there is something wrong. Called up edler care in your neighbor hood and make sure doctor runs certain test for the dementia. If it is cought in the begining there is medicine that can help a little for both of you. God bless you. patricia61
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i don't know what happen to my post, any way that was my grandprants form of communication they fussed all the time, now she thinks that the way to communicate with people, she will start an argument with you and before its over you started it and she want to fight ,i think she love drama. and like to keep mess going she plays the end agaist the middle talk about one person to the other. in other words she a sh-t starter. with who ever comes along. when i ask why would say or do that she don't what i'm talking about. and will say i'm making it up. thats why i don't think dementia has anything to do with. she just the ways and always has been and always will be. she the kid that throws the stone and put her hands behind her back and look down at the ground.

all i can do is call on my Lord put hands up and walk away, it's a good thing the family that do come around her knows how she is. but it runs my crazzzzzzzzzyyyyyyyyyyyy
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VASMD, that's great! At least they have outside interactions. Your Dad sounds like a History buff, and Mom sounds like a Social butterfly. You'd do well to check into other possible issues as well. Take good care and I hope to hear a good report from you.
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Thanks Sumlerc for your response. Although I think they might have depression, they also have age-related decline in health -- nothing specific. Mom does attend the ladies of the moose meetings 1 or 2 x per week, plus she has a friend that takes her away for a long weekend several times a year. Dad gets together with my brother (who lives in a group home) every other week. He watches a lot of tv, however it is mostly the history channel, A&E, National Geographic, etc. so at least it's not soap operas or nighttime comedies. I am going to look into the senior center in their area.
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Sounds like depression, especaially if neither one has outside of the house intrest and activities. I see this with my parents who made their small family, their entire life! Now that the family has grown and moved across the country, all Mom and Dad seem to do is have angry arguments or no communication at all. When prodded to attend the Senior Center, meet and make friends with their neighbors they bucked at the advice. Recently Dad had a bad stroke, lives in a Nursing Home, and Mom is homebound and really feeling the loneliness.
I hope you get some quick solutions for your parents and may we all take heed on how we want to lead the rest of our lives...to the best of our abilities.
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My mother-in-law has dementia but has never been mean or hateful. She gets obsessed with stuff, and her memory is awful, but never mean. I guess we're fortunate, thank you God!
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They are necessary signs of dementia. They could be reactions to medications they are taking. But they sound a lot like my grandparents. And at the end of the day they still share the same bed and say I love you and kiss each other good night. I did find that my grandfather needed to have breaks away. But they sound like a long time married couple. I agree with an above post that you are there to watch for sign of decline. Like not taking care of everyday cleaning, driving badly, more accidents, severe forget fullness. Talk to your doctor about what signs to watch out for. My father has the Dr Hyde and Jenkyll mentaliatly and it is due to the medication he is taking. Just keep up good thoughts and I hope that things work out
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My mom behaved horribly to family members 1 - 2 years before it was discovered that she had dementia. She would say mean things and then deny it all. I just wish I had done something earlier. Please have your dad checked out...the earlier the better.
Good Luck!
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My dad has dementia and is on aricept and he is the very same way. These are definitely symptoms of dementia
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Sounds like a very normal relationship for a couple that has been married a long time. As long as they are not abusive to each other I would let them alone. They did not survive this long together by accident. Your role now is to keep an eye on things so that if either of them start to fail in health or mental capacity, you can be there to intervene. Do not assume that they will admit when they need your help. Driving a car is usually the first problem you encounter. If the primary driver (mom or dad) begins to have accidents or seem disoriented (can't remember where they parked the car at the mall) then you MUST intervene and take the keys away. Otherwise you are putting innocent people and children in jeopardy.
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Hi Vasmd~I tend to agree with you on the possibilites of dementia, or depression, or even other possibilities....As your dad my not even be aware of this behavor. Try to go with him to your PCP-or neurologist-or local council on aging to get another opinion (in person) if at all possible, then you will most likely have a better idea on how to deal with this matter.
Best to you and your family,
Hap
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Sounds like they need some activities either together or separate. Check out the senior center nearest you.
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