Follow
Share

My wife is in memory care. Alzheimer's. Late medium to early late. I spend the night with her almost every night. For me this seems like the right thing to do. But what about her and what about those who care for her?

Thanks for your answer. Staff doesn't mind. And she does take a sleep aid. But the time between dinner and bed time is when she experiences the most confusion and fear, if not terror. I hate the thought of her going through that time alone. I think I could leave after she has gone to bed and she might do just fine sleeping alone. I generally get a good nights sleep, but there is a definite hangover. Sometimes I can't do anything during the day but stare at the tv, but after a days rest at home I can get with it. I'm going to try coming home after she goes to bed and see how that goes.
Helpful Answer (16)
Reply to Jvaholmes
Report
JoAnn29 Jan 24, 2019
Being there during her sundowning maybe good. A familiar face.

If she is terrified, you may want to ask her doctor if there is something she can be given.
(7)
Report
See 2 more replies
I think you should get her used to the place without you. So first maybe stay till she falls asleep & then leave! You need sleep too. She’s not going to remember that you were there five minutes after you leave, but she’ll probably be calmer. You can’t keep this up unless you want to end up having to be there instead of it being a choice. Hugs 🤗
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to CaregiverL
Report

Well, it's kind of backward to the way most people do it but if it works for you and the facility doesn't mind then why not? I can see the benefit of having many hands to help her during the day, plus it gives you the opportunity to pursue your interests.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to cwillie
Report
Jvaholmes Jan 24, 2019
You are kind. Sometimes I can't seem to find anything I'm interested in. It's all part of the same mess. I worry about being more wrapped in her life than is good for me. Playing God? Failure to accept reality?
(4)
Report
Oh my, you are SO SWEET!

You are being loving and kind and beyond....I have no advice, I just think your wife is really lucky to have you. A hubby who is CHOOSING to spend his nights in a MC facility to be with his wife. I personally, cannot fathom that.

God bless you!
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to Midkid58
Report

It doesn't seem like this could be hurting your wife. It's so sweet that you can do this for her. Sounds very helpful for you to be there during the sundown period.

I would just caution against making this a habit that you would feel guilty about if you could not make it, due to whatever reason. If she and the staff become dependent on you sleeping there every night, could be setting up a problem.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to againx100
Report

Everyone should be as lucky to have someone as caring as you. Don't waste time worrying about it or what others think...do what is right for you.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to gdaughter
Report

Also, I forgot to advise...the staff there will expect that you will be the one who’s going to change her diaper & wash her up before bedtime & also diaper change during night. They will depend on you to do the dirty work even though you’re paying for them to do it.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to CaregiverL
Report
DarleneLeslie Jan 28, 2019
You are absolutely right! The staff will do nothing.
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
Do what you feel you are called to do.

And care for yourself....truly, care for yourself.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to Savitaa
Report
gdaughter Jan 28, 2019
There are still some very special couples on this planet, from the Greatest Generation who are devoted to each other. Role models for the rest of us. The bond is great, the love is sure. It sounds to me that this gentleman is taking care of himself by having reached the point of knowing he cannot care for his wife on his own...but still wants to spend the majority of his waking hours with her. And so why not? I can't imagine that the staff is not touched and his presence keeps his wife soothed and is one less person they have to be as concerned about. Bless them both.
(8)
Report
My dad would let mom be on her own in memory care all morning until 2 or so in the afternoon. Mornings were baths, hairdresser, breakfast, and social hour. Dad would go at 3 until 4:30 when it was time for supper. He would walk her to the table and sit her with her friends and tell her he had some running to do and he would be back. He always went back at 6;30 after his supper and sat with her until he put her to bed every night. He would sit in a chair next to her until she fell asleep and then he would quietly leave. Same routine every day for 1 1/2 years. The staff adored him because he treated them all like family and he was able to be with mom and yet take care of things at home and get a good nights sleep in his own bed. No matter what, it was clear that he adored and loved my mom as it is clear you adore and love your wife.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to stelling65
Report
Jvaholmes Jan 29, 2019
I am really glad I posted my question. Answers like yours are priceless. I am thinking about doing it the way your father did. There is something to be said for sleeping together. My wife's brain may be essentially lost, but I think she remembers and still craves , at some level, the feeling of being held by someone who loves her. There's not much to be gained by comparing our situation to the situations of others in this MC. I don't know what their stories are. But I do know these others do not get held nearly as much as they need by people who love them. Your father's middle way appeals to me.

h
(0)
Report
As long as the care facilitie doesn't mind and you sleep good, there's nothing wrong with it. If your not sleeping well that could effect your health, then you might want your own bed. I understand, you feel better with your wife. Being married a long time and being used to being in the same place for many years is hard to change.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to DarleneLeslie
Report

See All Answers

Ask a Question

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter