My father died recently and my mother is living with me temporarily. For some reason, I feel such rage toward her, it is scary. I feel like I am always mad and am not sure if if is depression, or what. Have others experienced this? I don't k ow what to do.
Thank you for your post. I have this experience as well. My parents are divorced. And since my dad's passing I too have anger towards my mother. I feel it was my father's misfortune to have married her. My mother was always a trouble maker. She made everyone's lives harder it seems to me. I know grief has not made me rational or reasonable.
And I have to accept my mother also had a hard life. Because of this anger towards my mother, I've tried to give myself some distance for now. I'm also looking at counseling and joining a support group. But thank you for giving voice to these feelings after one parents passes on.
It's a sort of "kick the dog" thing--you get mad at your oldest kid, they pass that anger down the line and the youngest "kicks the dog".
It's when you can't pass through theses stages that there's a problem. Acknowledge that you are angry--for whatever reason...feel the anger and pain and let it out appropriately (not punching people, of course, nor a dog!) and eventually it passes. When acceptance comes, peace will come.
When my estranged brother died, 3 years ago, I was surprised at how angry I was. Not for what he had done to me, but at the horrible treatment of his children, whom he abused and neglected and his ex wives and all the people he had hurt and whose lives he had impacted so negatively. I was angry at him for a long time. Over time, as I spoke to his kids and his exes, I came to see that they were slowly forgiving him, and moving on. So did I. Not overnight, and not without some backsliding, but now I can think of him and not feel the flush of anger that was my first response.
Just don't "kick the dog". I liked the idea of smashing stuff and hitting the mattress with the baseball bat. Physical releases that won't hurt someone innocent.
Have you always been this nice, or did you just pass through a door and enter a twilight zone? I am guessing you have been pretty normal all along, or you would not have asked your question, or be concerned about it.
The death of your father is a real loss, Missouriflower. There are so many things that could be going on, you might want to explore those feelings with a professional, or read some self-help books. Maybe someone here can suggest a book related to father-daughter lost relationships. You can talk more with us.
Sorry for your loss.
ANGER turned inward = depression.
Rage-a symptom of burnout or PTSD.
Have you ever been in a heated argument, then you pick up the phone and sweetly answer, hello? That, lol, is proof one can turn rage on/off.
Learn to readily identify the feelings, the triggers that this anger is about to take your heart and mind for a quick ride. Instead, without a word, go outside in your p.j.'s if necessary! Take a walk, three deep breaths. If this continues, go for help. Coming here to vent your unacceptable (to you) feelings will help over time.
After a time you won't like yourself much if you cannot contain your anger and express it a more healthy way.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
{{{{{Hugs!}}}}}}
when my mom was diagnosed as terminal i already lived with her but at this point the heat was on . i have to admit that i read nearly every article that AC ever produced in order to comprehend what was to be expected .
terminal caregiving is a scary place that , in hindsight , youve dreaded and feared all of your life .
My mom died mid-November some years ago. When I went to buy my daughter a TV for Christmas I became very angry with the salesperson because they didn't have the one I wanted in stock. It wasn't the clerk's fault but my anger got the best of me and I took it out on him. This is very unlike me. Once I got home and examined my behavior I realized that my anger had nothing to do with the TV. It was just residual anger over my mom's death that bubbled to the surface. I called the store that evening and tracked the salesperson down and apologized. He was a kid about 17 years old and when I apologized his response was, "Uh.....OK?" But the apology was more for me than it was for him.
I found myself short-tempered, impatient, and overall agitated in the wake of my mom's death. Eventually it went away especially once I identified the source and gave myself a break.
If you Google the stages of grief you'll find many articles on death and grieving. You can't really speed pass the stages and you may not experience them all. But during this time be kind to yourself. Recognize that you're still going through the death of your father and it's not easy. In time you'll heal.
In the beginning when I was having a difficult time, my friend and pastoral counselor would ask me if I was angry. I always said no. About six months after Mary died, I finally realized that I was angry. I now say that yes, I am angry - not a wide-eyed type of anger but an honest statement that I feel Mary had a life to live and things to do. I was angry in general as well as angry at the driver. My anger led to depression for a while. I feel it is much healthier to admit to my anger. It no longer colors my life because I learned to talk about it. I also learned to really enjoy exercising.
Two of my favorite stories shared by people who were grieving have to do with anger. One lady spoke of purchasing baskets of odd crockery at garage sales. She placed plastic trash bags in front of her cinder block garage wall, put on safety glasses, and threw the crockery. Afterwards she gathered up the broken crockery as well as some of her anger and threw it all away. A neater version of this idea is to place an old glass in a zip lock bag and throw it at any wall. One man who was grieving the deaths of three family members would beat on a mattress with a baseball bat. When he moved, he brought that mattress and bat right along with him.
Work at recognizing your anger, expressing it safely, and eventually letting it go. Then, hopefully, you will be able to turn your energy to the more enjoyable aspects of your life.
Author unknown
M88 (have it in Spanish if anyone needs it???)
I did a written translation of the stages of grief, from English into Spanish. So, I am not the author, nor an authority on the matter. It is simply what I read: YES, the stages of grief do include ANGER. Let me find something in my pc, I will copy and paste. It is not copyrighted but it is written by a Hospice RN. Will be back asap. M88