Is my mom experiencing the early stages of dementia?

It does sound as if your mom is having infection/dementia issues. My father started accusing my husband of stealing a carving he had done that hung on the wall. Fortunately I found that dad had taken it to an art shop where he had work placed and was able to retrieve it. Then he moved to blaming his hallucinations for things disappearing, those were easier to deal with. Personal accusation is hard as the emotional side is hurt so badly. In order to prove to other family members that you are not the person she says you are, you need to stick close to her. I know you say you don’t know where she is living, try to find out . If you know where and when she shops make a point to bump into her, then invite her to lunch. Do not mention anything about her lying about you, this will only create a block that won’t allow her to accept the lunch invitation. If she refuses keep trying until she accepts. I read your answer about feeling that you don’t need to apologize, you are correct in that, however you are trying to open communication back up with her in order to help her. This may be what it will take to be able to do this and you know an apology isn’t going to really cost you anything especially if it leads to her getting medical help and repair your relationship with her. If it makes you feel better go ahead and record your time with her, this way also if it escalates to where you need to defend yourself from a law issue you have proof.
I used to hear a saying that went “ only a crazy person doesn’t think they are crazy.” Think about that when dealing with her. She doesn’t think she has a problem because her brain tells her that isn’t true. After you have repaired the contact with her, see if you can just get her to consent to having a physical. You can write a note to the doctor for his/her nurse to give, explain in it what is going on and the doctor can give her the simplified version of the dementia test, it’s very simple and she probably won’t catch on as to what it is for. A urinalysis will be done to rule out a UTI and blood tests can rule out other types of infection.
When my father and I would go out together and he would start with a whopper I placed myself slightly behind his shoulder so I could see the person he was talking to and make eye contact with them, smile and shake my head in a no fashion. Most people would continue to listen and smile at him letting him finish with his story. Treating a person with dementia with compassion and kindness, along with lots of patience goes a long way in not having huge arguments. I would recommend to you a blog called the Alzheimer’s Reading Room. There is a lot of good advice in it on the different aspects on how to deal with the challenges of dementia. Good luck and hugs to you and your family on healing things with your mom to give or get her the help she needs.

I’m sorry that you are living this hurtful nightmare.
I have a similar situation.
For decades I have been on the receiving end of anger and crazy accusations. Nothing ever worked to defend myself.
My mother is 90 and in addition to behavioral disorders now has vascular dementia.
Has broken both hips and gets epidurals for pinched nerves.
I have DPOA for medical and financial.
I stay in her hometown during hospital and rehab stays to oversee her care. Her treatment of me changes throughout the day.
This is what works for me.
I am kind in tone and interactions with her. When she starts yelling etc I say that I can see that she is upset and will try to help. I ask if there is anything else she would like and I say goodby and leave.
Most times I sit in the car and cry because I’ve been hurt but there is nothing I can do because her brain is broken, there was neglect and abuse in her childhood. I have hired 24/7 in home care givers that she loves. Who are shocked at her treatment of me. She is as happy as I can arrange for her. But for my health I stay away. Send cards and gifts. I keep in mind how I would want to be treated and do my best. During hospitalization,
I set up her new doctor to oversee her care. I talk w her pain Dr to try to keep her comfortable. She has in home OT and PT that I oversee. RN several times a week. I handle investments and taxes. Everything is done behind the scenes. She would never admit she is thankful because she is not aware she needs help. With my input her Dr has increased her anxiety meds to twice a day so she doesn’t get so upset that the caregivers struggle to calm her fears. It’s a balancing act. I live with when is the next crisis call coming. Over Christmas she was hospitalized with blood clots and told Drs they couldn’t talk to me. For short periods she appears normal.
Most importantly I see a therapist. You need someone to be able to talk to about all the crazy that is your normal.

Hopefully just knowing that someone understands is a comfort.

Its dementia complicated by change - the move - I think. When my mom went to a skilled nursing facility temporarily she was hallucinating really badly. When she got home to familiar surroundings it stopped. Elders can't handle change any better than cats! It gets worse around 5 - called 'sundowners'. Probably too late to go back to the old place...but UTIs can also do this, as others have noted.

The rest of her family knows, but they are in complete denial. For some, it is easier to be in denial than to attempt to help. I had this problem with my mother, she would tell nothing but lies but once she moved in with a caregiver and the caregiver tells the relatives about her behavior, now they have to believe it.

Personally if this was me, I’d just let nature take it course. It’s inevitable she will need help one day and not voluntarily.
You have done as much as you can, but sometimes the best thing you can do for those you love, is let it go.
Otherwise, your going to end up in the nut farm. Stop letting others dictate who you are, you know who you are and what’s been done. Me, I say the hell with them all for now and go on and enjoy life and your two daughters.
The hard part is going to be when they finally wake up to her madness and your temptation to say “I told you so”!
If your not happy where you live, move away, looks like there are plenty of family that can step in if need be.
Life is short and mental illness is ugly and will literally suck the life out of you if you let it.
Deep down, your Mom knows you love her and would do anything for her, unfortunately mental illness has taken over.
Except it gracefully and forgive and move on with your life. Place all your burdens on the Lord and find happiness once again.
Knowing that if she needs and wants you, you’ll be there.

I know this sounds harsh, but I have seen so many families and friends destroyed for trying to help a loved one who doesn’t want their help.
Hold on to the good memories and move forward, you owe it to yourself and your kids.
Wishing you and your daughters all the best in these trying times.
God bless.

Hi, I'm sorry for your lost and heartache. I don't have any advice for you, but my heart goes out to you and your girls. I'm sure they're at a lost too!
I've been reading some of the advice given you and I'm even more sadden by how many children are in the same boat.
I too love my children and grandchildren very much and it scares me to think this could happen to me, (dementia) and I may hurt them like you're are being hurt. I pray the good Lord shows favor on me, and pray for a cure!!! To me it seems that this disease is increasing more and more. Why?? My grandmother had Alzheimer's, and that was heart breaking to watch and go through.
I think this is an aweful thing for me to say, but I'd rather have cancer than lose my mind and hurt everyone that I love dearly. At least I can died with dignity. Again I'm so sorry for your lost. Please go to someone to talk to, to release your faustation, don't blame yourself, try to remember her the way she loved you not hurt you. If I was your mother, I would rather you stayed away from me so I wouldn't keep hurting you or my grandkids. Maybe subconsciously this is what she's doing, but then is confused?
I don't know honey, but will add you to my prayer list. God bless you.
Kathie 💞

A couple of thoughts about your very difficult situation. First, your very very large family with stories of sexual abuse reminds me strongly of more than one book I have read about radical Mormon family problems. The books also include stories of other family members who ‘keep it sweet’ by not acknowledging that anything is wrong. If this is not just a co-incidence, look for help among other people who have been through this.

Second, your mother says that you need to get help yourself. Could you agree to do so as long as she comes too so that she can explain your problems? It might be a way to get her to some help for herself.

Best wishes.

As a nurse, we don't diagnose, but the behavior your mother has seems to be mental illness rather than dementia. I would try to get her to a psych doctor or facility. I am not sure you would be able to do it. But if you drove her to a facility maybe you could talk her into signing herself in. They won't let her in unless she signs herself in. You may be able to go to court and legally have her committed for evaluation. I am not exactly sure how that works. Be assured that you have done nothing wrong. Your mother is sick and she needs help. If she is admitting to lying at times, that sounds like manipulation another symptom of mental disease. God Bless. Whatever you do, don't take it personal and try to do everything you can to get her help. She cannot help herself. I am speaking from my experience as a registered nurse and personal experience in dealing with family members that had mental illness. God Bless. Do keep us updated on her progress.

I am going to propose something totally different and possibly wrong. Here it goes, SAVE YOURSELF! Your youngest is leaving home to go to college soon, make plans to leave that town as soon as she graduates high school. Sell the place and get out. You can't help her and she has a huge support group to help her where she is. She probably won't give you POA or anything, and there is no reasoning with her. You will never know what you supposedly did.

You have distanced yourself from your mom, tell your relatives that you are so hurt by what she has said, you don't want to listen to anymore of it. If someone tries to bring it up, repeat, "I am so hurt by what my mother has said that I don't want to listen to anything she says about me. Let us talk about something else."

What you are going through is tearing you up, you are not a slave, get out of there. Your sweet loving mom was then, this is now.

I can so relate to your story. Of my mom's 3 children and 5 stepchildren, I am the youngest and have always been the closest to her. After my stepfather died, and she lived alone, I went every weekend and helped with taking out trash, doing yard work, and had dinner with her. When it became clear that she could not live alone anymore, I moved her in with me and my two children. For 5 years, I was her housekeeper, cook, errand girl, chauffeur, gardener, and nurse. For doing all that, she rewarded me by telling all our family and friends lies about me. I was abusive, mean, stole from her, denied her things she needed, etc. She had the whole family at each others' throats. The only thing they all agreed on was how much they hated me. I had always had a great relationship with my siblings but unfortunately, they believed everything she said. None of them wanted to help with her care, none of them came to visit, but they all assumed she was telling the truth. Eventually, they began to take her to appointments or out for dinners and when she returned, she'd bad mouth them to me. When I confronted them with what she had told me, they couldn't believe their ears. Why was Mom telling these stories about them- they hadn't done a thing to her? Uh huh. Then they began to see what I had been telling them all along - she had dementia and was imagining all these little slights and transgressions. She couldn't hear, so rather than asking people to repeat themselves, she wrongly assumed they were saying something abusive. Then she would repeat what she thought they said to someone else and so on. The things we had all stolen were things she misplaced or gave away. Living with her became impossible when she started accusing my children. That was the worst for me - I flat out told her she could accuse me of anything she wanted and make everyone hate me if that was her goal, but she was to leave my children alone. By that time, she had started wandering around outside the house in the middle of the night and I was afraid she'd get hurt or lost. My sister and I consulted with her doctor and were told she required 24 hour care. That's when we put her into a memory care/assisted living facility. She has been there almost 4 years now and relationships among our family members are improving. Now she blames others in the facility for stealing, name calling, withholding things she needs, etc. Fortunately, they are used to it. It's what people with dementia do. In fact, her geriatric specialist told me that the person(s) who are doing the most to care for the dementia sufferer are the ones they strike out at. Hope this gives you some insight.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. My first response was to tell you to run. I noticed this type of behavior when my mother was 70. She will be 95 this year and has been in a nursing home for a year. My mother has narcissistic behavior disorder and dementia only made it worse. I would distance myself especially since it sounds like she has others that can care for her needs. You need to take care of yourself. It sounds like this is really tearing you apart. You need to get away from it. Time will tell and whatever the issue is that she is having will come to the surface.

Sounds like she is a Narcisse's. There are sites re this behaviour.
from what I can tell from your comments. Check it out. My mum is one. Through research on Narcistic behaviour your Mum is behaving similar. Only thing that confuses me is that she use to be good. Once a Narcisse's would always have been one. Still very much worth you checking it out.

Cheers Katrina.

Not everyone who acts odd/crazy/mean has dementia. She could have many many other mental health issues, or physical health issues causing bizarre behavior. The things that seem so odd (to me) are, she was wonderful and close until you, your daughters and she all moved back to her hometown. That is odd. But could just be a coincidence of an illness she has (not dementia...many other things that affect behavior). But the extra weird thing is, NO ONE else in her family (and the family has been there, for years until you and your Mom moved back) notices any weird behavior from her? This sounds horrible..like a bad version of the Twilight Zone..or a bad soap opera. I think your Mom is ill...mentally definitely, but maybe caused by some illness. But what the heck is going on with her family? And why would your (and her) moving back to the hometown have been the catalyst for her evil, mean behavior? Unless, as I say, its a coincidence, coinciding with her illness....but then..why doesn't anyone else see it?...I can keep going around in circles, but I'll stop. Odd, freaky...and if only you could get her to a doctor...to let them diagnose her (don't assume its dementia!).

Get her seen for a mental evaluation by a neurologist.

I know just how you feel because the same thing is happening to me and my mom too. Your not alone. I don't know why but that made me feel a bit better knowing that this is happening to others too. They say that we the friends and family members should not that the behavior personally. I'm sorry but how do we do that?! My mom and I were very close like you and your mom. Then to my face at first she was mom . Then I started hearing lies she has told ppl about me. She told my bf that when I was a teen that I was a slut. That she had to plant cactus outside my bedroom window so the naked boys that I let in and out of my window would get poked and not climb through again. I never let anyone in my window ever! She also told him that I use to beet my mother in law. I loved that lady so much! I would never. She has called her bank and said I take her card. Called the police and told them I threaten to beet her up if she doesnt let me drive her car. I have my own car. I found out last week that she tried to give it to a charity but she didn't have the title so they wouldn't take it. It goes on and on. The doctor said it is early on set dementia. She says I'm lieing about it. I don't know where to turn yet . So to answer your question yes that sounds the same as my mom. You are not alone. I had to start writing everything down and not take her card when I do her marketing. Also keep all of receipts for any purchases you make and dear God dont use cash. You may want to prove later that you were useing your own bank card and not hers. One more thing. My mom seems almost normal. Ppl that don't know her well would not know anything is wrong with her until she started talking like a truck driver. Cussing at others and things. I hope I am wrong but if I am not buckle up cuz it is going to be a hell of a ride. Also keep your chin up

I'd like to comment about the drugs currently used to treat Alzheimer's. I'm not a medical professional, so I can't recommend or not recommend. I can only pass on what I've found:

www.drperlmutter.com/alzheimers-drugs-worsen-cognitive-function/

www.rootcausemedicalclinic.com/blog/alzheimers-and-your-diet/

I agree it’s not normal & shame on the others for believing her & not you. Every time I feel sorry for myself with my situation...91 yo (92 next month) mother with dementia who gets so evil with the cursing & hitting...& then I read about another daughter being abused. My “mother “ said to me last week she hopes I die tomorrow. Meanwhile I set my alarm every night 1 am to change her diaper. Seroquel is her doctor’s medication of choice & he suggested increasing as needed. I would suggest taking your mother to a neurologist but she seems to be able to refuse help. She probably start falling at some point & then that will be the opportunity to take her for evaluation at ER . There you can tell them everything that’s been happening. You are lucky you have your daughters. I have nobody as I spent all my life with my mother...this woman who I say used to be my mother...now an evil enemy.

The Alzheimer’s Association, which fund-raises to support research into drugs to treat Alzheimer’s, states that there’s no cure or way to stop or slow the progression of this disease, even with medication:

https://alz.org/alzheimers-dementia/treatments

Yet this study back in 2008 shows that curcumin can help:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2781139/

Yes I have experienced this with my Mom. She accused me and also my sister and Dad of putting her in a whit house for 3 days with no food or water. In this case, everybody knew this was not true. Started accusing Dad of cheating on her and he was 84 years old and not well and he was so upset because of it. Turns out she had dementia that had been creeping up and it manifested itself fast. Wanted to argue about everything. Everybody said she was sweet and we had to start telling them what was going on. We ended up having her admitted for psychiatric evaluation for 9 days to get her meds adjusted to see what worked best. My mother had two other ailments and we told her they were just going to check her out but she discovered which wing she was in at the hospital and had a fit. Dad took her home a day early. The meds only helped a little. She still worked us all over. Ended up with caregivers coming to the house to help her and clean. I know it is awful for you. You will have to talk to her doctor and tell him what is going on. That is the first step. Mom’s doctor helped us get her admitted. You may have to tell a white lie during this time but after a while, dealing with this, you will find yourself telling a lot of them to her just to deal with her. I am so sorry you are dealing with the same thing. I understand. Again, first stop is her family physician.

When my mom first started showing signs that later were diagnosed as Alzheimer's Disease, She made up all kinds of storys. One was that my father was going to a house of ill repute, She even had me drive her over there, of course the house was not there so I was accused of going to the wrong address even though she was right there and giving me directions. Another was I took her to her gyn because she had a yeast infection( she was diabetic). She told everyone that he examed her with a glove that had sand paper on it and she was going to sue him. She physically attached my father because she wanted to visit her parents. ( they had been dead for over 20 years) but she did not believe that because she had just spoken to her mother on the phone and told her that she and my dad would be visiting soon. We did not understand what was going on at the time. It seemed to last a very long time, before she progressed to the next stage. I strongly suggest you take your mother to a doctor and have her checked out for Alzheimers as soon as possible. This is the worst stage in my opinion and I hope your mother passes through it rapidly, not like my mom where it lasted for over a year. I wish you good luck and if I am right this will pass and it will just be a bad memory.

I recently went through something similar to this with my mom. She had to be hospitalized. When I arrived to visit, she was on a 24-hr watch. Why? Because she was having delusions. She thought that the nurses, doctors and staff in the halls were soldiers, coming to take her away to a "place" and that I orchestrated the plot against her!!!
The staff told me that there was absolutely no sense in arguing with her, because in her mind, that's exactly what was happening. Couldn't convince her otherwise. To complicate matters, she is 85 years old, an amputee and has been addicted to prescription opiates for over 30 years.
What you have described is similar - the accusations, etc. It's so hard to watch. God bless you in your journey. This forum is wonderful for being able to voice your concerns without judgement.

Lkd, I hope you're doing okay. I'm so sorry about the bizarre behaviors that your mom is demonstrating.

A couple of things struck me. One is your mom's lifelong feeling of not being good enough and her need to blame others. She's returned to her home town and makes herself feel important and victimized by blaming you for her issues.

This sounds more like a lifelong mental illness in which you are suddenly the target. In your shoes, I'd seek the help of a therapist for you and for your daughters who sound like they are suffering mightily.

You might also consider visiting the priest you mentioned to express concern about your mother's well being and about the damage her stories have wrought on your reputation. He might have some useful advise for you, or he might even reach out to your mom. Defaming others doesn't strike me as being a very Christian thing to do.

Ultimately, I would strongly urge you to move when daughter 2 finishes HS. It sounds like there are plenty of family and friends around to care for Mom when her needs become clear. And this episode totally disqualifies you as a hands on caregiver. There will always be whispers in this town that you " abused" her. 

Get away while you can and if need be, arrange professional caregiving from afar. see less

So, you know, there's lying and then there's cognitive dysfunction.

Cash ? Does that mean a check, or bills and coins? To a fully functioning adult, we get what a doctor's office means when they say they don't take " cash", i.e., bills. They likely take checks.

The difference is subtle but it separates the cognitively impairemed ( and the limited) from the fully functional folks.

Yes, that really does sound like the beginning of cognitive impairment, possibly dementia. Of course no one on this blog can diagnose her.

Almost two years ago I set my mom up to go do an activity with the Family Services person in her city. The woman picked my mom up, took her to the lunch and the activity, and dropped her back at home. Then my mom accused the woman of stealing her wallet. She found her phone number and called and accused her directly. Luckily, the Family Services person is aware of the nutty behavior associated with dementia. Still, it is embarrassing and frustrating.

What's really hard about all of this is that your family member is speaking English but nothing makes sense. Things start to get weird. You ask yourself if you are imagining things, and they are accusing you, and lying, and changing the story. Please know that this is most likely because of the changes in their brain and not for any other reason. Imagine starting to not know what is reality and what is not and you might have an inkling of how this feels to her.

Are there any dementia/ Alzheimer's support groups where you live? You might find some help that way. I would also find a geriatrician who can explain to you what is going on. This is going to be a very difficult time, I'm afraid. Is there anyone who can help your mom, that is, will she accept any help? My mom is very stubborn and it took a family trauma for her to finally accept help. (The trauma was not her fault in any way.) She now lives in Memory Care. It was not easy getting to this point at all.

Please write back. I'm glad to answer any questions to the best of my ability.

I haven't read any replies, but I venture to guess many of them have said yes, this is absolutely encroaching dementia of some sort, possibly vascular. This is exactly how my mother's dementia began. The same exact behavior and since she lived with me, I was the scapegoat to her behavior. The family who didn't want to see or hear that something was terribly wrong all chose to turn against me. Behavior escalated to paranoia, hiding things, packing suitcases to "go home" etc. It's been about five years and she is home with me on hospice. My advice is get her to a neurologist. Check for White Matter Disease, Vascular Dementia, Lewy Body and any possible strokes or seizures. It definitely sounds like you are at the beginning of a journey none of us ever wanted to take. And do yourself a favor, try not to take her behavior personally. I know it's next to impossible, but trust me, you are going to need all of your energy to get through this. Don't waste it beating yourself up over things that are everything to do with her disease and nothing to do with you. Best of luck to you my dear.

Oh yes confabulation.

lkdLkd, Is it possible your mom is unhappy and now furious because of the move? You mentioned a couple reasons why you moved, but what were her reasons? Did she do it just because she would have been left behind and now she regrets it? If so, she probably wouldn't be able to admit it to you, because she figures it can't be changed, so she's angry....

Something else occurred to me. When daily life is consistent it's easier for our LO to "fool" us that everything is fine.
Any change at all can exacerbate the dementia, making it seem to advance quickly. Then we very much notice the changes and odd behavior that are occurring.
The change in this case was the move. It's irrelevant that it was to a favorite place and had nothing to do with the place and everything to do with the dementia.