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I've only been remarried for 2 years. My dad was diagnosed with dementia during that time. My husband could help me out a whole lot more than what he does. I have to pay sitters (which is draining me) if I am to continue working, I must have them. My husband (who I believe is Bipolar) decides he wants to start back gambling. Mind you now, he hasn't done this in years. His life had changed and he was living for the Lord doing real good. BUT now, he comes in later, sometimes the next morning or day. Hanging back with the same crowd. Gambling money away like its nothing, when he knows I need help with the sitters. He gives me money once a month to help out but always seem to manage to come back and ask for some of that back for gas, hair cut, just to name a couple.


When his mom was sick/later died (before we wed) I was always there for him. And when his dad got sick/later died (after we wed), I was there for him. I know gambling is a disease but I feel like he doesn't love me anymore. I feel like he is not attracted to me anymore (sex is a thing of the past), if I ask him a question, he answers as if he is angry. Is he mad at me, my dad, himself, or all three? We are not getting any younger but sometimes I feel like I made a mistake in marrying him. BTW, he has this new friend at work of whom I will just call Bro who I think has been influencing him. Card games are ALWAYS at his house. Bro always loaning him money. Help, I feel so alone in this. I am so stressed, my eczema flares up from time to time, my health is not the best. Oh yeah, my sibling is sick as well so I literally have NO help. What's your advice?

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That's a tough situation. Addictions are really difficult to deal with and the person really has to work daily to stay away from the thing that they have trouble with. Some people attend daily meetings, have a sponsor, etc. While you can inspire and support, it's up to them to want it and to do it. You might seek out a support group in person or online for family members of those who have addictions. Plus, your LO is bipolar, so, you have even more to contend with.

Even though, your husband may love your dad, living with a person who has dementia can be very stressful. Have you discussed how your husband currently feels about the situation? As the dementia progresses,, things become more severe. I'd see if DH can open up about it. Maybe, just talking about it would help clear the air. Also, marriage counseling is an option. If not, please see an ATTORNEY before making any moves towards divorce, so you can explore your legal rights.
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Geronimo Dec 3, 2019
THANK YOU SO MUCH! I really appreciate your response. I have discussed with my husband how he feels about the situation. He always say he is on board with it all. He loves my dad, I think he looks at my dad as a father figure because he missed so much with his own father growing up. Mind you, when he met my dad, he did not have dementia. They spent a lot of fun times together. Alot of good advice! Thanks!
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Gambling is not a disease its an addiction.

By "being there" for his parents did you "help" a lot. Doing things he would have had to do if you weren't there? Or maybe, he is tired of caring for people. Your marriage is still young to have this added stress. And stress doesn't help people who have an addiction.

May be time for a sit down, alone. You need to talk this out. If Dad has money consider an Assisted Living. If not, LTC on Medicaid.
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Geronimo Dec 2, 2019
Every chance I got I helped out be it emotional, spiritual, financial, hands on support. Whatever I could do to lighten his load, I did it. I even encouraged him to help and care for his dad of whom he didn't like very much due to the past. I don't think he is tired of caring for people because he had way more help than I do. His siblings and him took turns in caring for their mom and dad. I agree with his siblings more now than ever. He is a selfish 60 year old that thinks the world owes him something. Again, every since Bro showed up on the scene, things have changed. Where he used to come home, help out, talk to my dad and me more, he doesn't do that anymore. Its always, I gotta go to Bro's house, Bro loaned me some money to play BINGO, to play cards etc. My young marriage was doing fine, even after my dad got sick...until now.
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I agree with Joy...........if you are caring for a demented elder inside of your home, expecting to nurture a new marriage along at the same time, I think you're fooling yourself, frankly. Dementia is too much for most of us to handle alone, even with part time care-givers coming in,and so we reach a point where placement becomes necessary. If money is an issue, apply for Medicaid & get him into a Skilled Nursing Facility so you can work on your marriage, providing your DH agrees to stop gambling and seek counseling.

You really need to sit down & have a heart to heart talk with your husband to see where HIS head is at, too, so the both of you can reach some sort of agreement about how to proceed here. Does he want to stay married? Is he so stressed out with the living situation that he's gambling again to cope? Does he love you? Do you love him? Is your dad the problem?

Honest communication and a solid plan of action will be the key to solving the dilemma you are faced with.

Best of luck!
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Ahmijoy, you posted on something that sheds light on Geronimo's dilemma, something I hadn't even considered, and that's that her father is living with them.  For some reason I thought he was living separately, but his moving in with them could significantly change the dynamics.   

Good advice on the situation she faces.
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I’m assuming your father lives with you and your husband? If so, was hubby on board with the whole thing? It doesn’t sound like he was. Telling him, “Well, I helped you out when your parents needed it!” Is not going to work. He has fallen back into his gambling addiction because even though it’s something he can’t handle (pretty much throwing money away) he finds comfort in it. You’re busy with your father and you’re making demands on him that he is unwilling to fulfill. He has detached from your new marriage and unless you do something. now, you’re going to lose him and your marriage completely.

As difficult as it will be, you need to make a choice; him or caregiving for your father. The past is the past. Your husband doesn’t owe you if he doesn’t want to help. You are tired—exhausted maybe. You don’t feel well. I know. I’m in the same place, but I’m the one who acts like I’m angry all the time. I have no help either.

If you choose to save your marriage, you’ll have to do some work. Dad will have to go someplace. If he has no funds, you’ll have to file for Medicaid and find a facility who accepts it. Contact your local Area Agency on Aging or Department of Human Services forhelp. You will have to be strong and determined to carry this through. You’re fighting for your marriage. If your husband is on board with this, he will have to get help for his addiction. That’s his obligation. If you make the effort to try to save your marriage and he doesn’t, there’s your answer. Let it and him go.

Adulting is never easy. You actually really have to work at it. You can talk and talk and talk, but if you don’t make an effort to change things, they only get worse.
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1.  I think you might have to consider a separation, or divorce, especially if you already feel as though the marriage was a mistake.   Husband's behavioral change, gambling addiction, money control, excessive time away from the marital home, borrowing from a male friend...they're all bad signs.

I suspect Bro is influencing your husband to the benefit of Bro; although I know nothing about him, he sounds like a manipulator and user.   

2.   There may come a time when his financial excesses affect the stability of the marriage (if they haven't already), as well as the ability to remain in your current home if household expenses can't be paid.

3.   Has your husband actually been diagnosed as being bi-polar?   Does he show the symptoms?   Has he, or is he compliant in taking medicine?   If the answers are yes, yes and no, you're in for a wild ride.    You're wise to recognize it now and make plans, privately.

4.    Are there any POSITIVE aspects left to the marriage?  Sometimes thinking of it that way puts life and behavior into a clearer perspective.

5.    Can you continue to work while helping your father?   Bringing in a paycheck is wonderful for self confidence, especially if you're not getting emotional or adequate financial support from the marriage, and if it's getting close to a marital separation.

6.   How much care do you provide for your father? 

I suspect you chose your screen name for a purpose; try to live up to it, dig in deep for that warrior spirit and start planning a life with someone who doesn't financially abuse the marriage and who apparently spends more time with his "Bro" than with you.   

I wouldn't make this recommendation lightly, as I think both partners have to give and take, but from what you wrote, your husband is actively pursuing the "take" aspect and expects you to be the "giver."   You deserve better.

As to your post question, your husband seems to have an addictive behavior in gambling, but I'm not sure that your father has been any influence.  Addictive personalities are complex; I'm not qualified to analyze them more than that, but from what I've read and learned, they're triggered by complex needs, and become uncontrollable w/o intervention.    

How much do you know about your husband's life and background before you met and married him?  I suspect this isn't the first time he's been addicted to gambling, since you wrote that he "wants to start back gambling."   If he wins, he gets a high that he doesn't get otherwise.     So what is it that's pushing him in the direction of needing this high from spending money?

I don't know enough about the triggers to surmise if your father's dementia played a role; that's for a psychiatrist or psychologist, but the reality is the important issue, and that is that your husband seems to have a gambling problem.  
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Geronimo Dec 1, 2019
All responses are great. The name is actually what my father has always used while we were growing up as kids. He would play with us and that was one of the characters I remember very vividly.
My husband has ALWAYS been on board. The gambling, I'm understanding now is generational. When we met I was doing what I have always done and that is ministering in the church and community.
Dad didn't move in with us, we agreed to move in with him. His house is paid for and we thought we could save a few dollars as we were in an apartment. My husband thought it to be a wonderful idea.

His family all say that my husband is selfish and is only concerned about him. They also say, he has been that way for a long time. Things, at first was going great...even with us living with dad. Its only when he started a new job and got hooked up with Bro that things changed. My husband tells me all the time he loves me but he just loves to gamble. As far as being Bipolar, his family says he is, he has all the signs and he was taking some medication for it once before I believe. He has NOTHING to be stressed about which would cause him to gamble. I make sure the bills are paid, groceries, etc.,
For some reason though, he knows what he is doing goes against what we believe biblically. He doesn't want people, especially my children to find out abiut his problem. He wants to appear to be a saint. He loves my dad this I know. But as the old saying goes...BIRDS OF A FEATHER FLOCK TOGETHER!!!
BTW, you were so on it about Bro but my husband is too naive to see it.
I cant afford to stop working either too close to retirement.
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