My dad is 74. He is in extremely poor health. He weighs 125lbs (loss of about 75lbs). He takes a LOT of meds. He is on pain killers and benzos. He steals his wife's too, and takes those. He doesn't do much except sleep and watch a little television. He doesn't really go anywhere. He can barely walk, uses a walk, and still falls a lot. He won't let me participate in his care but his wife did sneak me into one of his doctor visits (I'm sure she paid for that) where the doctor said he smoked for 60 years and it's killing him.
Anyway, my dad was always a force of nature, so to speak. Assertive, mean at times, and controlling. He got fired from a job once because he punched a guy. He was not very good to my mother. Now he is a fragile old man who relies entirely on wife #3 who is mild mannered and doesn't fight back. It's exactly what he wanted. But still, he yells at her. I believe he has hit her.
And he does this thing - it's embarrassing to even admit about my dad. But he urinates in a bottle in the garage and makes her empty it. If the issue is that he can't make it into the toilet, he could just urinate in the bottle in the bathroom and dump it himself. But he won't. He goes out to the garage and then makes her empty it for him. Is this like, an old man's way of dominating in a situation where he is physically diminished? It feels like he wants to humiliate her. Or is there another less nefarious explanation?
I am afraid his wife might leave. She is quiet and reserved, but she told me he is pushing her to the edge. He yells at her. He throws tantrums. Who knows what else he is doing to her that I don't know about.
Painkillers and benzo abuse has likely given your dad brain damage, causing him to urinate in bottles rather than follow social norms like the rest of us. My half brother pees in a mayonaisse jar next to his bed, has for years.....then again he was given electric shock treatments as a child. A lot of them.
You're new here. You say, "I'm not sure how some of you separate yourselves so easily from your parents. I have never known anyone like that. Not even friends." Thats part of the problem! We've managed to separate ourselves from our parents, create healthy boundaries, and break unhealthy co dependent relationships because our LIVES were being ruined by taking on our parents problems. Quitting jobs to care for them, winding up broke and homeless, all sorts of atrocities that could've been avoided had we chosen to realize we are NOT extensions of our parents but our own individual humans who have a right to our own lives, families, jobs, and happiness. It hasn't come w/o scar tissue, lots of crying, lots of reaching out, lots of reading here on the forum and elsewhere, and lots of willingness to change. If not, we'd be stuck in the muck and the mire and still jumping thru fiery hoops in a futile effort to make our mommy's happy. The goal in life is to make OURSELVES happy and to lead fulfilling lives. If you stick around here, you may learn that lesson too. And then find some friends who subscribe to mentally healthy lifestyles too. Which is not to say we cut off our parents, as a rule, but we keep boundaries in place and require rules to be followed. And always demand respect from them, and self respect mostly.
Meanwhile I would step away from this fray. It sounds ongoing over time. Leave them to their multiple medications and get on with a quality life for yourself. There's nothing you can do here.
Instead of being afraid that his wife might leave, I would hope that she does leave. She deserves a peaceful life instead of his verbal, psychological, and possible physical abuse. But that is her issue to resolve.
There are medications that could help with getting his agitation, anger, and aggression under control. It's unfortunate that his doctor isn't prescribing those as well.
But whatever happens, don't let yourself be drawn into this drama to end up catering to him as you do to your abusive mother.
I don't think your father's behavior is normal or normal aging or a "quirk." It's mean and rude.
I have read your story of your mother, and now your father.
You were perhaps conditioned by an abusive mother and father to get sucked in to their drama and become sick with worry.
You have stated that you have a therapist who has suggested you try and accept your mother's behavior. Find a new therapist. One who will help you disengage from your destructive parents, and learn to take care of yourself.
You are so overwhelmed with the drama they are creating, and allowing it to consume you, you are not seeing your own life clearly. Stop getting involved. It's ok to cut these people out of your life. They have done nothing healthy for you.
"He goes out to the garage and then makes her empty it for him."
Does he hold a gun to her head if she doesn't do it? No? Then she's choosing to do it. She also has a problem called NO BOUNDARIES.
Tell her to call 911 next time he throws a tantrum. A drama-free life is a great life. You have the power to make it happen.
See a therapist. Or the Rabbi, like you pondered on your other thread.
Yes, I believe your assessment is right on. He has established a lifetime of dominating behavior, and humiliating and hurting others, which is bullying.
He's not going to change now. He is still looking for ways to "be in charge", which is becoming more and more limited, probably frustrating him and making him more angry.
Do not subject yourself to this. You need to disengage from him. You can do nothing for him, and you will suffer if you attempt to help.
If wife #3 is trying to get you involved because she feels like she can't leave him alone, and wants you to take over, convince her that she can leave without guilt.
She can not fix him either. And you don't have to be there to put together the pieces if she does leave. She should meet with an elder law attorney to figure out how to separate their assets.
If she wants to stay, because she "loves him", or because she likes being treated as a doormat, or because she has nowhere else to go, and is planning to wait it out for his death so she can have his money or the house, then let her.
She should leave. And he should be placed somewhere. You should not take on his care.
Save yourself.
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