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I take care of disabled amputee veteran and his wife who was also disabled by a stroke. I am committed to these people till death. They are like family to me. We have our own place but I am on call 24/7. It has been a very rough year with hospital stays and some very long days. We have never been cross with each other because of work related stuff, and yet he's choosing to leave because he can no longer deal with the stress.

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Some people aren't cut out to be caregivers or even live in the same house with the caregiver.

Maybe he feels like you don't pay enough attention to him. Maybe he's tired of having his needs come last. Maybe he feels like they are more like family then he is. Maybe there is precious little privacy.

Whatever the reason, he chose to leave and you have chosen to stay. You have made it known you will not leave these people and, in so doing, you have indirectly said that you are choosing them. It's not abnormal for a couple to want their privacy, so it's not surprising that he felt uncomfortable. It's hard enough to have a SO relationship while living alone together, let alone being in the same house and being "on call" for the elders.

I aplaude you for sticking by the elders but at what price for YOUR life. Is he worth loosing because you feel the need to care for this couple 24/7?

If not, there can be compromises. They can hire a home companion for one- 8 hour shift a day and you can then have somewhat of a social life.

If this couple lives another 20 years, are you prepared to be alone (not in a committed relationship) for 20 years also? I don't know anyone who would put up with living with their SO in the home of two elderly disabled people? We are a privacy seeking culture and there must be precious little of that in your living situation.
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Tammyrex121277 Jul 22, 2018
I have my own place but it's only a 5 minute walk to theirs. This is a career that pays my bills. He is unable to work so I have to do this for us to live how we lived. All he had to do was help keep house cleaned and run a few errands for me.
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" I am committed to these people till death." There's the source of the stress. I think that your significant other thought that you had only made that commitment to him. It also sounds like they are more like family than he is to you which means there's a lack of emotional intimacy in the marriage. I'd leave also if I felt like my wife was more emotionally married to someone else including a family member.
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Tammyrex121277 Jul 22, 2018
We are not married and I've worked for them for 3 years and was with him for 2. When we first got together we talked about that commitment and he agreed to be with me through all of it. We had even talked about marriage. There was no surprises. He does not work but did odd jobs for them every now and then was never expected or obligated to them
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Sorry Tammy, it sometimes takes a long time (and many posts) to be able to "see" your whole situation.

So you have your own house (and he lived there with you) and you only work 3 scheduled hours a day (but are on call if necessary). You and he had 21 hours a day together plus the w/ends.

He isn't/wasn't working except odd jobs for them.

Where is there any STRESS?
(Except having enough money to pay the bills(?))

Unless there is way more to the story, it sounds like a great setup to me. Plenty of time to be together (maybe THAT was the stress!)

It sounds like you did nothing wrong. You let him know the situation beforehand, you let him move in with you (obviously not paying his share of rent if he has no job), there was plenty of time together. Sounds like it was HIS problem. Don't take responsibility or ownership of it.

Have you sat down with him and asked what "stressed him out"? I'm finding nowadays that men are coming up with more "creative" breakup excuses. My step daughter has been told twice that it isn't fair to her that they (the guys she dates) don't have enough time for her as they should, and so as to not "keep her hanging", they will sadly cut her loose. Aaaahhhhhh horse poop! That's just a kind way to say that they don't want to go out with her anymore. She's a Christian and won't "give it up" therefore move on to the next one.
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Tammyrex121277 Jul 23, 2018
I am paid well for what I do it started out rough but a year into our relationship I got a raise cause I was doing so much more. Thank you for understanding. Yeah we talked about it. There is also some issues with his stepfather who's very disrespectful when he comes over. My ex and I are still friends but he moved back in with his mom
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Sorry to hear this. Some can't handle the stress, but I'm not sure that is the whole story.
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I agree with C. I believe there is much more to this “story”, but of course it is your right and privilege to share or not to share those details.

You said you’ve never been “cross with each other” because of work. But, while he may have “a job”, what you describe is a lifetime commitment, the lifetime of these people you care for. You give the impression you are their Angel of Mercy and hubby is intolerant and done with you. You are on call 24/7 for them but not your husband. I doubt seriously if this was he expected when he married you. He vowed “in sickness and in health” to you, not to someone else you would eventually become devoted to.

SueC is right. You married him, but you chose them. If you were my SO and that happened, I’d leave too. Sorry.
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OK, I didn't read correctly. You have your own home. So you and he didn't have to live with them.

You work from 8 AM to 11 PM? You didn't put am or pm after the time. If it's 8 am to 11 pm, then that's too many hours away from home. The "normal" couple works 8 hours with an hour or 2 for commute. You are gone 15 hours a day. What's he supposed to do? You have just enough time to jam a sandwich in your mouth at 11:15 pm when you get home then take a shower and fall into bed at 11:30 pm to get up at 7:00 am and do it all over again. You have no time together during the week. Those hours aren't good for your health either. Then you also have to go there in the morning and evening of the weekend, so you can't be gone all day and evening.

I'm sure he thought he could handle it. I couldn't accept this situation and I can see why he couldn't too. I'll bet your SO didn't think you "had plenty of time together".

He already admitted he couldn't deal with the "stress" of not seeing you for 5 days straight. No one to talk to until mid Saturday morning? Not for me and I don't think most people would be able to cope with this life.

No offence intended, just my 2 pesos.
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Tammyrex121277 Jul 23, 2018
8 am to 11am
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When your SO agreed to the situation 2 years ago he had no idea how involved it would be and how much time you’d be involved with the two patients, leaving him TO FEND FOR HIMSELF!!!

He has another place and has moved out. Probably living with another woman now. So you’ve made clear who you chose and he acted. You can now martyr yourself to the two disabled patients. It’s cool that you care so much about your patients but one woman can’t do what you are trying to do by herself. You’ll be the next one to have a stroke.

But out of curiosity, how are they paying you? In cash? I hope you aren’t doing this to inherit property because those deals don’t end well! Relatives will challenge a will or agreement, even if a lawyer did the legal papers.
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Most men, even if they’re built like LeBron James, have tiny, delicate egos. Like a tender plant, those egos have to be cared for and you have to use a lot of “fertilizer”. My husband is bedridden and now lives in a world of 50 year old reruns on television. He does not have dementia. But, he was a business owner and still fancies himself “large and in charge”. I have to constantly reinforce that idea with him. Occasionally, I do actually go to him for advice on something, but most often I’m the one who makes the decisions. But I always make him feel he’s the boss.

Whether you’re married or not, there is (or was) commitment in your relationship. When he agreed to your caregiving for these people, he did it out of commitment and love for you. He didn’t know what the reality was. When he found out, it obviously didn’t set well with him. Did you try to work it out? Did you both try a compromise? You know, concessions on both of your parts. Less devotion and availablity to the couple on your part and more understanding on his? If you and he truly tried to find a middle ground about this and it didn’t work, then let it and him go. But if and when you involve yourself in another relationship, you’ll need to be brutally frank about how much this couple means to you and that they occupy a lot of your time and thoughts and that right now, they are your life.

I’m sorry if my perceptions are off. We can only form opinions on what we are told. It’s one-sided. I hope it all works out for you...and for him.
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Aha! The stepfather emerges. Now, who exactly is the ex? Is it the man who was living in your house and making more demands on your time that was in the original post? If he's moved in with his mom, I think that is wonderful. I highly suspect that he did not like you having boundaries with his stepdad and did not stand up for you. If that's the case, you did well. You (as an adult) should not have significant others who don't respect you over their parents. Good job.
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Tammyrex121277 Jul 24, 2018
Yes yes and yes. Thank you.
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I think what is the big thing is "committed until death". This would be scary to any man. These people aren't relatives. They are a job. They r lucky to have you but look at it from the other side. A man finds he wants to marry you. But you look at this job as a life long commitment 24/7 on call. Not regular hours. He wants to go on vacations have kids but you have committed to 24/7 and these people DEPEND on you. Do you have back up if ur sick or want to go away? How can you have a relationship with anyone? How old is this couple? Where r their family? Is it possible they may need more care than u can give in the future? Are you willing to give the whole 24/7 to their care just not 3 hrs a day.

You won't see it now, but x did u a favor. Do you really want to support a man financially? That gets old too. A relationship needs to be 50/50. Sometimes each partner giving more than the other at times. You don't say how old ur. Even if this couple were your parents, you r entitled to a life of ur own.
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Tammyrex121277 Jul 24, 2018
Im 40 going on 41. And he was 31 going on 32. Me and then have discussed when the get older having someone to come in on weekends and nights so I don't get overwealmed. Also once the amputee begins to walk I won't need to be available on weekends
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