Mother in law has lived with us for 9 yrs and has advance dementia takes alot of care. She has money but my husband refuses to spend it for her care in a memory care unit. It has taken a toll on our marriage
Mollydog1, please note that up to 40% of family caregivers die leaving behind the person they were caring. Not very good odds. Let hubby know about that.
Ask him if something happens to you, then what? Let him know he will be on his own to care for his mother. It would be interesting to see what he says.
I think this is a marriage problem as much as a MIL problem. I was a nurse my entire career, and I LOVED it, but it DID let me know early on that I could never have cared for family in-home and 24/7. Not EVER. And that is with a family I love dearly and with all my heart--the best folks ever. I cannot know what your agreement was with your husband early on in taking in an elder, whether his or yours. I cannot know what it has been ongoing and who assumes most of the work. But in ANY circumstances and no matter the answers to those questions, when one person can no longer go on caregiving, then it is over. I would sit with your husband and tell him that you cannot go on. That your reasons are your own and not open to any argument. That you will now have to make decisions going forward. I think that I would first make certain that your assets cannot be frozen by your husband, as I would be saying that if Mom cannot now enter care, you will be leaving the household. That you will get a legal seperation. That you will go on with your own life, caring for him, and even trying to support him if his decision is to continue in caregiving his mother. This isn't about right and wrong. This is about limitations and you are up against yours right now. You might ask him to attend a few sessions of counseling with a licensed Social Worker in private practice in counseling first. I think it is important you get your OWN thoughts, feelings and intentions clear in your mind. Then proceed to sit gently down with your husband and tell him where you are at. I fully understand that there is nothing easy about this. Your husband has made his decision but he has not made YOUR decision. That is for you to make now. Be sure to take whatever time with it that you need and consider counseling on your own should your hubby not wish to go. I surely do wish you the very best.
Molly, it is not wrong to want to change jobs. Or to retire from one, is it?
Only when one is a slave or indentured servant are those choices taken away from you.
What your husband wants is immaterial. If your caregiving is what enables him not to get his mother caregivers in the home or facility care, then it seems pretty clear to me that one solution is to take a vacation. Visit relatives. Take a cruise. Absent yourself from home and see if it changes his mind.
I am not one to advocate divorce, but knowledge is power. Consider consulting a divorce attorney to see what your rights/responsibilities are and what prudent financial moves you should be making.
Exactly Mikurotoro! It’s very hard (impossible?) to find the right man, while you’re busy locked up somewhere, helping all the time. There’s no chance to meet anyone. And anyway, you don’t just want to meet anyone - you want to meet the man of your dreams.
Ask him if something happens to you, then what? Let him know he will be on his own to care for his mother. It would be interesting to see what he says.
I cannot know what your agreement was with your husband early on in taking in an elder, whether his or yours. I cannot know what it has been ongoing and who assumes most of the work. But in ANY circumstances and no matter the answers to those questions, when one person can no longer go on caregiving, then it is over.
I would sit with your husband and tell him that you cannot go on. That your reasons are your own and not open to any argument. That you will now have to make decisions going forward. I think that I would first make certain that your assets cannot be frozen by your husband, as I would be saying that if Mom cannot now enter care, you will be leaving the household. That you will get a legal seperation. That you will go on with your own life, caring for him, and even trying to support him if his decision is to continue in caregiving his mother.
This isn't about right and wrong.
This is about limitations and you are up against yours right now.
You might ask him to attend a few sessions of counseling with a licensed Social Worker in private practice in counseling first.
I think it is important you get your OWN thoughts, feelings and intentions clear in your mind. Then proceed to sit gently down with your husband and tell him where you are at.
I fully understand that there is nothing easy about this. Your husband has made his decision but he has not made YOUR decision. That is for you to make now. Be sure to take whatever time with it that you need and consider counseling on your own should your hubby not wish to go. I surely do wish you the very best.
Why doesn't H want to spend his mother's money for her care? Is he in the will to get everything when she dies? Is he an only child?
It's just that most of her workers are unreliable so everything falls on me and my brother
We just need to find a way to allieviate the stress and burden
I had to hire/fire many caregivers. Our experience:
Agencies were unreliable! (I’m referring to not showing up).
Private caregivers ALWAYS reliable.
We had theft problems with both systems, agency and private. Right now I found fantastic private caregivers.
Only when one is a slave or indentured servant are those choices taken away from you.
What your husband wants is immaterial. If your caregiving is what enables him not to get his mother caregivers in the home or facility care, then it seems pretty clear to me that one solution is to take a vacation. Visit relatives. Take a cruise. Absent yourself from home and see if it changes his mind.
I am not one to advocate divorce, but knowledge is power. Consider consulting a divorce attorney to see what your rights/responsibilities are and what prudent financial moves you should be making.
This is what is KEEPING me from finding love so I need to decides which is more important