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I have been emotionally, physically, and mentally burned out for the last 10 years of taking care of my 89 year old mother without help from siblings, other relatives or friends. I found an affordable apartment about 45 minutes away and it is within my budget. Only negative is that my son, his fiancee and baby still live here and will have to pick up the slack when the caregiver leaves for the day. Of course I will visit daily or as often as I can to check on mom and assure her that I love her and that I would never neglect her. Getting back to my son, he has a short fuse at times and I am afraid he and his fiancee will fight and fuss once I am gone. This isn't good for the baby, so I worry. I have been told over and over again by caregivers on this website and by my primary care doc and therapist to put my foot down and not to allow either mom or son to make me feel guilty about my decision to move out. By God's grace and taking this step will hopefully allow me to return to work part-time and possibly have somewhat of a normal life (if it is possible without worrying myself to death about what's going on at home). I want to thank all of you who responded to my pleas of help and my frequent posts for your encouragement and making this decision. Thank you and I will continue to post to let you know how we are doing. My epiphany came when my doctor opened my eyes and she asked me if I was trying to be a martyr. Furthermore, she is helping me to wean myself off of these anti-depressants and anxiety pills as I have been losing my balance and falling quite a bit. Mom's dementia causes her to only think of her self and her own well being and no one else's. I asked her if she would go to a very nice AL but she has adamantly refused over and over that she wants to die at home. Well, I can't reason with her and I have told her over and over that my health is beginning to deteriorate under these extremely stressful conditions. She then tells me that I am trying to get rid of her and that if she goes to AL she will surely die within a month. I have not told her of my move as I fear she will become depressed and fearful of having others look after her while I work. Well, that is my story and I thank you for listening and any other advice you may have.

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glornorth59, I've been following your postings, and am glad to see that you are moving out, into your own private space and eventually find that great job. Now you will be able to finally breathe.

As for visiting daily, I wouldn't do that right away, let your Mom get use to having a Caregiver or Mom will start comparing the Caregiver to you without giving the person a chance to prove herself. And you wouldn't want the Caregiver to hear complaints.

Hopefully with this change your son will start to mature and start planning ahead for his own immediate family [his girlfriend and their child]. He will fuss and moan, so just lend him an ear, and do NOT rush over to the house unless it is a dire emergency, and even then one can call 911 in the mean time.
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Put your foot down and do not to allow either mom or son to make you feel guilty about your decision to move out.

This will not be easy, but you can do it.
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Flor, I'm so happy that you've gotten some advice. Your mom refuses to help herself or to compromise. You need to attend to your own health right now. Put on your own oxygen mask before you try to save anyone else. The others will sink or swim, but you'll have more energy to gwt them outside help if you're not living there. Godspeed, my dear.
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tell her if you don;t move you will die... and move. Good luck!!
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