I am the sole caregiver for my 88 year old mom. My siblings live 9 hours away and call her a few times a month. My mom no longer drives after totaling her car 2 years ago. She had a stroke but physically recovered. A recent CT scan showed mild periventricular white matter disease, nonspecific, most likely representing microvascular disease. She officially has mild cognitive impairment, but it doesn't feel mild. Doesn't remember birthdays, buildings, people, etc etc. Is socially awkward because she stares and blurts things out. I take her to all of her appointments and take her grocery shopping and to dinner once a week. She refuses to get an aide or to visit these lovely senior apartments nearby. We had an argument recently where I told her she was being selfish and I am tired and don't want to be her sole social/medical/etc person. She patted me, said she was lucky to have me but she wasn't interested in moving. I felt something change in my and now I just don't want to be bothered. I used to call her everyday, not to chat becasue she is incapable of holding on a conversation, more as a wellness check, now I don't want to. I will still do the things that HAVE to be done, but just feel over it. Is this terribly selfish of me? I feel guilty about it, but I also have raised my kids and now it is my time.
I called the Area Agency of Aging . A very wise social worker told me to “ Stop helping , let her fail , it’s how to show her she’s not independent “.
The social worker came to my mother’s house to interview her and determined my mother was not safe to live alone at home . The social worker helped me get her out of her home and into an assisted living that I chose ( because Mom refused to tour ).
It’s not fair that your mother expects you to prop up a false independence because she’s “ not interested in moving “. 🙄🙄Her flattering you is manipulation to keep you doing what she wants .
You sound burnt out . On top of it you felt that shift because Mom ignored your telling her that you are tired . Your mother gets what she needs not everything she wants . You do not have to be her sole solution .
Not only is it ok, it is often necessary for your well-being, it was for me.
I pulled away a lot a year ago, and now I'm feeling like I need to pull away more. Sometimes you are doing more harm than good, by enabling them to continue to live in an unhealthy situation.
I would encourage you to start making her accept outside help or go without, otherwise, she has no incentive to not suck you dry to prop her up. You will be the only one making change here, she's told you where she stands and quite possibly doesn't have the ability to comprehend how hard her needs, wants and interests are on you.
I am so sorry for you that your mom was so belittling about your needs. It hurts our hearts in a way that does change how we feel, deal and respond to the offender. I do want to let you know that getting terribly selfish and self centered is common with old parents, they have forgotten or choose to deny that we are no longer children under their authority. Getting them to see that truth can be a challenge, especially if dementia is involved. That being said, you are not obligated to behave as being under her authority.
I would continue to cut back on your calls and also what you all do for her so she will see just how dependent she actually is and that she will either have to move into an assisted living facility or hire in-home help, both using her money.
As long as you continue to step up and do everything for her, things will NEVER change.
And just FYI, after you step away, I would certainly put a call in to APS and report a vulnerable adult living by themselves and they will come out and do an assessment and if need be, take over her care, as your mom really doesn't need to be living by herself anymore with the dementia she has going on, because as you know that will only continue to get worse.
Your mom has had and enjoyed her life, so now you deserve to do the same thing.
I wish you well in getting this all figured out before it's too late for you.
Will you both cry about this? Certainly. Is this not WORTH grieving? I think if this isn't worth grief, what is. But throwing yourself bodily on your mom's burning funeral pyre won't help her and won't help you, and you will get no help for it. People will mutter and shake their heads and say "What a shame" and move on. That's life.
I am so sorry. I know how brutal that sounds, and I don't mean it to be. But the decision s now are tough, and they are yours and no one can do this for you. Heart out to you. I hope you'll update us.
Know that I am 82. THIS is what I would tell MY OWN DAUGHTER.
You go and tour ALs near you. You pick one you like. Thats what I did. Someone kept my Mom busy while her furniture was moved into the AL. We put her into the car and when she asked where we were going, I told her to a nice apartment where she will make new friends. Took her in, took her to her room, stayed just a little while, and then left her with the staff. I did see her every day for not longer than a half hour unless somekind of entertainment was going on. Sometimes as short as 15 min just to bring her laundry back. When I left would just say "see you later and a kiss on the cheek". Never said I was going home. Mom was literally up the street from me, so it was easy to just "check in". The AL may tell you to stay away a few days so they can acclimate Mom. I have to admit, wherever Mom went, she acclimated well.
Mom has no idea of her needs. Her mind is telling her she is young and can do anything. You need to place her for you. You matter too. Don't discuss it with siblings, they aren't dealing with her. If your POA needs a doctor to invoke it, get it done. Be Moms daughter that visits.
“I will still do the things that HAVE to be done”
Examine that idea a little bit because there will be more, much more, that will have to be done. This is too open ending.
Your idea and mom's idea and possibly even your siblings idea will be different on what the things are that HAVE to be done.
Expand on that declaration.
I will still do the things that HAVE to be done,,,to keep mom safe and myself sane..might be an idea to start with.
I will still do the things that HAVE to be done to allow me to live my own life instead of mom’s life.
I will still do the things that HAVE to be done to manage mom’s life from a safe distance to insure my own health and happiness.
I will still do the things that HAVE to be done to allow my siblings an opportunity to care for their mother.
I will still do the things that HAVE to be done to remove myself from a caregiver role in order to once again be a daughter on equal footing with my siblings. I might even call a few times a year.
Think of the iceberg. The tip that is showing doesn’t reveal the majority below the surface. You wanting to pull away indicates that you are most likely extremely burned out. That you have compassion fatigue and need this separation.
You HAVE to follow this inner knowing for you and mom. it takes much more time to recover than we realize after burnout.
Don’t compare your burden to anyone else’s. No two people are alike. We all have our own emotions and ideas of what is selfish etc. we have to live with ourselves not someone else. If you are done then you are done.
You don’t owe anyone, including mom an explanation.
Your mom lacks insight, is not able to understand that she has issues that require a lot of help. Anosognosia is a medical condition, not a choice or denial. Don’t spend your Emtional energy trying to make her understand. She can’t.
Satisfy yourself that you have done the responsible thing to get her the care she needs and the responsible thing to acknowledge you are in over your head and have to take action. Mom’s approval is not needed. Your approval on how you live your life is mandatory. You will actuslly be a better daughter when you start caring for yourself.
And indeed mom is lucky to have you.
Keep in touch and let us know how it is going.
So that you get a much needed break I'd immediately stop taking her to dinner. I'd stop taking her on the grocery run. Pick up her groceries when you get yours. If she balks and wants you for both hire an aid (from her money and have the aid take her to eat and take her on the grocery run.)
No need to call her every day. You will see her once a week on the grocery run. Maybe call her every 3rd day and keep it brief.
Since she is 88 limit medical appointments to only critical ones.
If you have some coming up that are routine/borderline call to reschedule the appointments 3-4 months out.
Schedule yourself for an out of town vacation.
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