Is it wrong to feel guilty about placing mom in a memory care home?

Please don’t feel guilty. You are grieving for how things used to be. The one constant in our lives is change.

Our circumstances change and it’s difficult for us to adjust. Transitioning to a new way of doing things is always the hardest part.

In time, you will see that you are making the best choice for your mom and yourself.

Having guilt isn’t a burden that you should be carrying. You didn’t cause your mother’s condition and you have your own life to live.

Of course, you are sad that about the circumstances. That’s perfectly normal.

Wishing you peace.

Why would you feel guilty for protecting your mother? She is safe from wandering, has a team of professionals who understand dementia caring for her, and even she recognized her need for this. It’s okay to wish it could be different or better as it’s hard to watch a parent decline, but guilt here is both misplaced and useless. I hope you’ll put your energy into being mom’s advocate in her new setting and letting the staff see that she’s a person who’s loved and cared about. And sleep well knowing mom isn’t wandering somewhere dangerous

Thank you all. I have never joined a group like this or any others before. Never needed help or medical tx. I have worked at a very stressful job for 30 years and have never felt stress in that job like I do with parents dementia. This place has been very helpful and comforting. Again, thanks!!!!

And yes I will visit. Most likely everyday a couple times a day. Hope I didn’t sound like I was glad to be rid of her. Hate this disease that is taking her. After joining this group/ forum I lost guilt and agreee with the correct path for her health and happiness. Years ago I was one that would say no way will I “put them away”. Pure ignorance on my part. I understand why family members say that until this dementia hits a parent or a grandparent. I’m all ready planning my way out if it hits me. Will not want this burden put on my kids. I don’t mean anything super crazy, just making sure they will not have to care for me.

Grief, yes. Guilt, no.

Your Mom feels more comfortable and safe having a professional staff looking out for her . She has nurses, nurses aides, housekeeping , laundry service, chef .
She recognized this would make her feel not alone as well .

Even if you were home with her all the time. You are only one person . She has many now , and she is protected from wandering . She also may make friends her own age . You can visit as much as you want . Nothing to feel guilty about .

Guilt requires causation.
You didn't cause this.
You can't fix this.
Guilt isn't appropriate in any way.

I think that the words we tell ourselves are very important as they carve out paths in our brain that we walk out of habit. We define and judge ourselves with these words.

I would suggest you change out for the other G-word, GRIEF. THAT is what you are feeling. You feel grief for your parent, grief for your own limitations as a human being. It is a kind of hubris to think you have god-like powers to change this, to be able to have no job, to be able to accomplish 24/7 care of another person. We see people here vie for Sainthood daily. They are, as all Saints are, broken by it. It's a bad job description.

You are standing witness to a tragedy, to someone you love losing everything that made them who they were. It is a living death and you are being forced to see it with no powers to change it.
Is that not worth grieving?

I am so sorry. I must tell you that when my parents died, each in their 90s, I felt nothing so much as relief for the fact they no longer had to suffer these inexorable losses, relief I no longer had to fear for them, nor they for themselves.

Please don't put the mantle of grief over the burdens you already shoulder. That you care so much speaks well of you.

The Guilt is gone. 1 more day before she is in the new MC village. Last few days at home I have had no sleep. She is pacing the halls as I type. Laughing and joking during the daytime which is great. Sundowners syndrome for sure. My kids and I need to stay healthy. She will be better off I know. Socialization and proper care. I asked the MC every question I could to make sure they could deal with her. The AL said they could (previous place), they were mistaken. They said they were memory care but they were not. Great place tho. When they assessed her it was in the daytime when she is almost fine. New placed said any problems she had they can deal with. It’s a true dementia/memory care facility. This group as saved me lol. I have never been in a chat group or “needed to talk” about anything. I deal with stress every day in my job of 30 years. Never had anxiety or stress from it. This very short time dealing with family dementia, WOW!!!! Again, guilt gone, looking forward to happy days and 1 full day of sleep before anything. You people are amazing and thank you all again for helping my brain!!! I don’t have much knowledge of this disease except from what I have seen and read. I really hope I can also help people feel comfortable in their decisions.
Thanks

Good job William! quick resolution of guilt!

sounds like you did the right thing, you had no other choice. She wanted to go and understands why she is there! Thats a win win.! So many of us have loved ones who are months in and still arguing as to why they think they can and want to "go back home" , and dont see why they need to be in AL or memory care, and fight it tooth and nail!

You should not feel guilt! you could feel sad . It is grief . and thats normal .
you did what is best and your Mom understands too! It is a sad event indeed . Feeling bad and sad is normal. But dont feel guilt.

Time will help you. Now, visit at a frequency that is ok for you. Take her stuff when you visit . All will be good...

Your mother is being taken care of--a much better situation leaving her alone. Unlike many people in MC, she is not objecting or to being there. It sounds like a fortunate situation. Be proud of both of you for finding a place for her to be safe.