My parents live with us and don't really require all that much care yet. In fact, my father pretty much rejects any help, and often winds up in a mess with his insurance or bills. My mother has always preferred to pretend ignorance and have everyone do everything for her. They've been with us for four years and I am already burned out. I find myself getting frustrated easily and tired of the lack of respect, unappreciation, and sometimes thinly veiled accusations from my father. He is a very negative and unpleasant person and a pro at playing the victim. He really is not nice to my mother which causes a lot of stress for everyone. He's been told about it for years but it has never gotten better.
Lately he is playing on some minor health issues and always talking about being sickly and dying, how neither of them will be around much longer, etc. I worry about what that will do to my mother's mental health, even though she ignores much of what he says and does. That is her way of dealing with him for 50+ years.
I very much dread the day that they need more care. I do have two sisters but they live 6 and 10 hours away, so everything rests on my husband and myself.
Any suggestions on how to encourage them to seek out more help, or even make the move to senior living? My father has researched a few places whenever he is mad at everyone, but has never really checked any out. We don't say too much because we don't want them to feel like we are throwing them out. But it feels more and more like that would be the best option for everyone.
They will both certainly start up with the guilt-tripping, negativity, and gaslighting, but ignore it. You have to ignore it. They have to move. Don't get played.
Please stop taking their crap and senior-brat behavior. Your father "researching" places to move when he's "mad" is paramount to the brat-child who packs a suitcase and threatens to run away from home.
This is nonsense. All of you are adults here and you even say in your post that they don't really require care. Them moving into a senior living community is totally realistic. So please don't second-guess and question yourself otherwise.
Offer to help them find a place and to move them in. You don't owe them an explanation for why you want them to move, but if you want to explain just tell them truthfully. That you and your husband would like to live alone. That's all the explanation necessary.
Living apart encourages autonomy, socialization with peers, hobbies and activities, on site care, and the fostering of better relationships between family members due to less resentment in general.
Good luck to you.
Senior living may be fine when everyone is well, it can be quite different if a health issue, COVID, for example is in play.
Showing them all the positives like being around folks their own age, having daily activities to keep them busy if they so choose, and having fun in the last portion of their lives you would think would be a no brainer.
So set up some appointments at several of these places and tell them that as much as you love them, there will come a point when their care will just be too much for you and you would rather they spend their final years in a place that has their best interests and care in mind.
And the nice thing is that when your dad gets on your moms last nerve while she's living in either independent or assisted living she can just go down the hall to visit with a lady friend to get away from him.
You and hubby matter in this equation as well, and deserve to enjoy your lives as well, apart from your parents.
You've paid your dues caring for them for 4 years already, so now it's time for you to get your life back, so you and hubby can start doing things that you enjoy and not have to worry about mom and dad.
Someone has to take the first step and hopefully that someone will be you.
I have a feeling they have gotten a free ride 4 years, which is ridiculous.
When you feel that trapped feeling, take your house and own family back.
They are living with you and there is no reason that they would want to change that.
YOU are going to have to initiate the conversation and tell them point blank that you are in no position to help them physically and it is getting to the point where they will both need more help.
Also mention you are getting older and you have your own physical limitations.
I would set a deadline. If you want to be generous tell them the First of the Year. if you want to push it along by Thanksgiving would be plenty of time.
The big question would be would they want to live near where they are now, where they have friends, know the area or would they want to move closer to your siblings.
(If anyone is POA I would suggest that they locate near that person)
If there is no POA this is another discussion you should be having as well.
My mother is 98, don't assume that they won't be around much longer.
You should go alone to check out some of the places and find out all the details. Then you can take your parents with you to visit the ones you think are most appropriate. Then tell them to pick one - if there is a choice. Sometimes there is a waiting list. Don't offer them any place that has a waiting list because that postpones this move. Get the move done ASAP, just like ripping off a bandaid.
You can't keep them forever and the earlier they settle in to their new space the better for everyone.
So, if you're realllly ready for them to go, make a plan and lower the boom. Expect some b.s. and let it roll off your shoulders. Once they're gone, you'll be so much happier. It's soooo nice to have your house to yourself!
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