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Fisherman, I see that your wife is living in Assisted Living/Memory Care for about a month or so, correct?

Have you had a monthly meeting with the Staff? Usually at that time the Staff can give you an assessment on her condition. I think if there were any issues after you leave from a visit with your love one, the Staff would have notified you. Apparently your wife is doing fine afterwards.

I remember long ago hearing where someone had asked a husband why does he still visit his wife when she doesn't know him.... his answer was "I still know her", a wise answer.

Is there a certain time of day when your wife's mind is in the here and now? If yes, try to visit her during that time of day as long as you feel you aren't disturbing or confusing her when you do leave. I know my Mom enjoyed company even though she couldn't remember who we were.
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When my husband and I were newlyweds, our neighbors were in their 70's and already married 50 years. When Brunie had to be in the NH, her husband went out every morning to see her. We would run into him at the grocery, and ask about her when we moved away. He told us she did not know who he was, but he also used the words, but he knew who she was. My husband and I would talk about that attitude so frequently. It helped cement our marriage, that we wanted to be like that couple, through thick and thin, sickness and health.

Not only does the visit help the one visiting, it helps those who witness that loving act.
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Yes.
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Fisherman, run don't walk to visit your loved one as soon as possible. Each family member has different time contraints but I believe that frequent visits helped my Mom and MIL stay on an even keel. The staff notices who has visitors and often seem to pay more attention to that resident. And, while the aides and staff make sure that the resident is bathed, toileted , fed, etc. it is the family and friends that will make the person feel secure. Memory loss is quite frightening and reassurance goes a LONG way.
I know many caregivers would not be in the position to do this, but I tried to have at least one visitor to my Mom each day. I am not talking about all day, but for an hour or two. When my MIL was in a facility, my husband visited 3Xs a week and I was there once a week. Sibs visited sporadically but she had company at least 4 Xs/week. And before other posters gasp, I was fortunate that both facilities were just 10 minutes away and I was retired when this all happened. Clearly this would not be possible for many.
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A gentleman in my neighborhood had to place his wife in MC. It was a nice facility in the neighborhood. He went to see her every single day, and took loving care of her while she lived.

LONG after she'd had totally forgotten who he even was--he was going daily.

Absolutely, yes, visit.
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Fisherman if you feel that nobody - not your wife, not you, not the staff - is benefiting from continued visits you don't have to keep going. It's not the law. There are other ways to monitor her care and ensure that all is well, and you can always try again later.

But I suppose it sort of depends what the angry outbursts are about. Are they expressions of legitimate grievance, or not really anything to do with reality?

Have you tried asking the facility's staff if they have any comments?
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Right now, I am not visiting mthr and have not been since September, perhaps? I am not beating myself up about it because she does not know who I am.

When she had those flares of fire, I stayed away. I told the mc director that I could not visit for awhile, to call me or email if mthr needed something and I'd send it. The director told me that was fine, that mthr was safe and she (the director) knew where to find me. I had her (the director's) permission to take a break, which is exactly what I did. I needed an adult to tell me it was ok. 

Yes, I went against societal expectations. But I did not have to tell everyone. "Oh, mthr's doing about the same I guess, nothing has really changed" was my go to answer.

You have my permission to take a break, too. That's what I needed.
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Yes.
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How about the situation where the visit seems to elicit angry outbursts from the patient nearly every time?
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I appreciate all the observations...as I suspected the real answer is: "it depends ... : I live 500 miles from the town where my wife is. Shes in that facility because shes near (5 miles away) from OUR daughter. My wife and I are not at all estranged. Our daughter (Liz) and I discussed at length where my wife should go for treatment .... we decided on the place closest to Liz because she could pay more attention to wife/Mother. Daughter Liz and I talk 2 - 3 times a day at least and Daughter is the main interface to Wife for obvious reasons. (Daughter has a teen-aged daughter of her own to attend to.)

I just like to get a variety of feelings from this forum and tonite I got quite a variety .....Ieads me to believe as I stated from the get go ...."it depends"

Thanks for all the input
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