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The short story is, it wasnt a good first 60 years. Dad's gone, mom is horror story, alive and well, full on bastard and healthy as a horse. Hmmmm, lucky me.


In my head lately, Ive been thinking that if I should survive my husband, I really don't want my kids to end up saddled with my age and eventual demise. I hate, ABSOLUTELY HATE, my connection with my mom and I've got this "thing" about elderly now...IM 61 !!!! I should be throwing no rocks- but this dementia, cancer, Alz.. incontinence, doctor visits, hearing aide, cant walk, park or drive....who died, who had a stroke, who can't have dairy, who has bowel trouble....I just can't do anymore and I sure don't cherish the idea of my kids, leaving my house thinking like I do now. I would rather die in the desert alone before my daughter gets in her car and thinks- GOD she stinks! Granted, I am no where like my mother- total opposite- but age does indeed happen...and somehow got myself into a mess now, thinking about when my time comes and age has really parked itself at my door- do I want my son making the "son visits" and my daughter stuck with everything else? You can forget assisted living- I'm broke now thanks to that mother of mine- 61 with less than 10K to my name- its all gone-gone- so if anything it will be a welfare nursing home for this girl. What do you think? I never had this adverse feeling for elders before, but having her now living near me has just weird-ed me out! So unlike me-to feel this way-it just keeps playing over and over.........Thanks mom, another thing I'm stuck with because of you. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I will throw myself off a cliff before letting my son take care of me. The moment I can no longer do for myself is the time I go
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Reply to PandabearAUS
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Sounds awful, Struggling1. I hope you don't spend any more of your money on your mother and that you inherit something in the end.

I wouldn't even want nurse's aides taking care of me and don't want to be here if I can't eat, dress or go to the bathroom myself. I didn't have kids in order not to pass on my family's dysfunction and genetics. My mother has NPD--our connection and the whole family has been strangulated by her mental illness.

You sound like a considerate, depthful person--your friends and family must feel lucky to have you in their lives.
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Reply to Davina
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I have things arranged that my children will never have to look after me. I also will not do hands on care for my parents.
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Reply to Tothill
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No it isn’t weird at all. I understand how you feel. Take care, hugs!
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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WOW! and thank you- thank you all! I was beginning to think I was creeping my way down a road of depression thinking that I dont want my kids around me, wiping my drool! Never, ever ever would I want to put this on my daughter. The son usually gets away with the visit every 3 months or so- Hell he is 36 and I see him for holidays and thats about it! I get a call every 4-5 days. I was thinking if I loose my husband, ill take my time and sell the house. Get a 1st floor condo some place and just wait for the angels to come knocking. My daughter is planning on moving to florida in a year or so and my son, well he is busy. I laugh when they say they both want to buy big house so "we can all be together"! lol I believe as far as: they both want big house's part, after that, not so much. I have never been anyone burden except my mothers and it has been so drilled into my head that I was a mistake,l Im sure in hell not going out as someone burden or "mistake moving her here". I dont care how nice the relationship is, there is resentment. Thank you all for the confirmation. Much appreciate your honesty. xo
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Reply to struggling1
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I agree with you whole heartedly. I have one son who is 23 and my mother was a narcissistic nightmare until she died at 83. I have a dread of my son having to deal with those issues. I pray that one day after dinner, I just nod off and never wake up again. My great grandmother did that at 101. My son and I have talked. If I need round the clock care, I'm going into a state run facility with visits for Christmas only, right after he gets my house in a $1.00 sale. Then he's under strict instructions to cremate me, chuck me into a Chock Full O'Nuts coffee can, drive somewhere that he thinks is pretty and let the breeze take over. I'm sorry that you're in a financial mess because of your mother.
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Reply to Harper93
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PandabearAUS Apr 30, 2019
Your son will still have to pay the tax on the market value of the home
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Not weird at all. In fact, I think it shows great wisdom and compassion to not want to subject your children to what you're going/have gone through. My sister and I are smack dab in the middle of what so many on this forum are--we're taking care of our 92 year old mother in the last days of her life because she wants to die at home. However, she's taking a long time to do it. I cannot imagine what it would be like to do this on my own. Seriously.

My sister has said many times how she won't ever let her daughter take care of her. And I don't have any children, so there's that. We're both in the situation where we always lived paycheck to paycheck with only what we'll inherit from the mother we're taking care of for retirement. Well, except for Social Security which will probably be bankrupt since there will be so dang many baby boomers receiving those government dollars. Too bad I wasn't smart enough to invest in assistant living facilities.
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Reply to kwagmyers
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I believe if you struggle with a narcissist parent, you’ll never be a burden to your children. My 96 year old mum is draining me. Ironically, her mum lived in assisted living for 20 years (she made it to 100) and my mum only visited her once a month. Never had anything to do with her actual care. Her mum had to live with her grandfather in her house as a child and didn’t want to be a burden in her old age. I would never expect my children to be my everything. They should have their own time to live.
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Reply to tryingmybest8
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I will not have my children take care of me in my old age or run me here and there, nor will I live with them.
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Reply to LisaNJ
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I will never ask my children to care for me.

My mother only asked that we find her care. She and dad saved religiously because they ended up having to do hands on care for all their elders in the days before there were alternatives. Quite frankly, having grandma live with us was a terrible experience. More for my mom than for us, but not good for us at all.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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Oh, I hear you, loud and clear!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have 5 great kids, Just beyond stellar and all 5 have said I can live with them if needed. What a sweet and stupid gesture. (They're seeing an active busy 62 yo who still babysits all the time!) and I know that I am getting older--this year along was awful and I look at pics of myself from 1 year ago and I can't believe how much I have aged. DH had a terrible year with his health, and I was right there for every single thing. I am still anxious beyond belief when I see him looking under the weather or sleeping too much...or just aging himself.

We have a plan, we have savings and investments, but we still live in fear ( a little, not a lot) that we won't be OK financially to the end.

I don't want my kids doing any more for me than maybe going to lunch with me or hauling me along to Disneyland.

Best laid plans, right?

I do not know why the 'greatest generation' seems to be rife with narcissists. Maybe that's a sweeping statement, but this board seems to really touch a nerve with a lot of people who are feeling the stress of a difficult parent or two.

My own DH offered me $100 to go with him to visit his (very difficult) mother last week. I told him I can get my own $100 and call one of the grandkids. He blames his non-existent relation ship with his mom on me. Whatever.

I have good relationships with all the kids. I think it's sweet all 5 would 'take me in' (they won't take their dad--but he doesn't know that)...and I think if were EOL and I was in hospice, I might take them up on it.

I just have so many bad feelings about my mother moving in with my very manipulative brother. 22 years and she is miserable, but in sort of a Stockholm syndrome kind of way. She 'hates' him, but if you offer to DO anything that HE wants to do, you get shot down. SMH.

I can only think he is 'getting back at her' for a lifetime of crappy mothering. There is zero in this for him.
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Reply to Midkid58
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I do NOT want my kids taking care of me when I’m old! Certainly not changing my diapers & bathing me, running to my house numerous times a day because I’ve fallen & I can’t get up. I’m 48 & have already had this discussion with them after dealing with my own mom (who was a great mother, I did what I could, but I can’t run two homes!).
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Reply to mollymoose
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Plan ahead, and communicate with your daughter. Go see a lawyer and make sure you have a will and the correct powers of attorney and advance directives set up that work in your state.

If you own a home, realize that as your savings are depleted, you really won't be able to maintain it. (What if the air conditioner dies, or it's time for a new roof?) Again, talk to your daughter. Who knows, maybe she is interested in rental property and would be willing to buy it and rent it back to you! If not, be ready to sell before it starts getting run down, so that you get the most for it, and the funds can be used for your care.

With few assets, you do stand a good chance of needing Medicaid if you have to go into a nursing home. So figure out what will be needed to qualify, and make sure you keep all your ducks in a row. That way, your daughter will not be digging through shoeboxes trying to find five years of bank statements.

Research all the services that may be available in your area before you need them, and understand what asset and income limits are required to qualify for them. Make a big binder of information, and share it with your daughter.

I am assuming that you currently have a good relationship with your daughter. Be honest with her about what caring for your own mother has taken out of you, and that you do not wish for her to go through this, but that you may need her help with paperwork and coordination if at some point you do need care.

(If you end up in the hospital, she is probably going to get called. She needs to know what to say when the hospital pressures her to take you into her home, which they may well do. If you're not both on the same page, you may find that everything you are trying to avoid, ends up happening if the hospital discharges you into her care.)

Good luck, and good job for thinking about this sooner rather than later.
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Reply to JenniferLeigh
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I think a lot of us on this forum don't want to have our kids going thru what we have with our parents. Our kids have a right to their lives. As parents we should stay as independent as possible. Take advantage of the resources out their for Seniors. Stay active. Know when its time to give up that house and move to an apt or independent living. Don't expect ur kids to help with the upkeep.

Now Mom. Sounds like you may have the same problem that a lot have here, a narcissistic Mom. You are not obligated to give up your life for a parent. You also don't give up ur financial future for them. If you can't afford to help, you don't do it. There r services out there to help them. Senior housing where rent is based on income.

If you want to vent about her, go ahead. Pretty sure a lot will chime in.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Agree. I am an only child. My daughter is as well. I will never put her through what my mother is doing to me. I repeat Never. Could you try and get some type of long term care, The least expensive possible?
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Reply to Erinm60
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