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My daughter, her husband, her 4 yr old, 15 month old and her new baby to come are moving in with dad on 2/22. Dad's house is 3 bedroom 3 bath 2600 sqft. It's in the country and dust and dirt blow in and track in. Dad isn't clean himself leaving dirty fingerprints (oil/dirt) on the white cabinets and doors, etc. I told my niece I was going to hire a housekeeper to come in 2x a mo to clean and she said "is that really necessary? When I lived there I could keep the house clean." But she had a 7 yr old and then a baby. Right now dad's caregiver does his laundry and cleans the toilets and his bedroom. Am I being unreasonable in thinking my daughter (and me!) needs help? I've been cleaning that house for 20 years myself and then helped my mom, prior to her death. Even mom had a "helper". What do you think? I would have dad pay for it and I was looking to do it before my daughter decided to move there.

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cwillie, she was looking to do this even before the decision about her daughter moving in. All the more reason to do it now. We know absolutely nothing about the circumstances of the young family moving in, but I don't think that makes a difference to this decision. As you know well, caring for an elder, especially one who has dementia, even with paid help, is an enormous stress and drain on the energy. That is a pretty large house. OP cared for her mother before she is now caring for her father. She deserves to retire from some parts of the household maintenance!

Dad gets his fingerprints all over the white cabinets. It really doesn't cost more to wipe up some jelly prints along with his greasy ones. Usually cleaners charge a fixed rate for a certain number of hours. I've had cleaners say, "I didn't get to sweeping the porch this time, because the kitchen took extra. I'll get it thoroughly next time."

When my mother moved in with my sister, Medicaid said she could continue the housecleaning benefit, and my sister could get that pay if she wanted to do all the cleaning. My sister chose to have someone else do it. (This was for the portion of the house my mother used, and didn't include my sister's bedroom, for example.) If even Medicaid acknowledges the need and importance of a clean house and is willing to pay for it, I think an elder who is well-enough off to pay his own way should be expected to do that, also.

At my support group meeting we encourage newbies to hire out the tasks that don't require patience and love and understanding. Nearly anyone can clean the carpet. Save your own strength for the caregiving challenge.
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I would have given a lot to have a cleaner when I had young children. If I were your daughter, I would think of it as a wonderful gift. And if, as it seems now, you are the one cleaning, I think it's your decision to make.
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I can see where you're coming from Jeanne, and if the OP is his full time caregiver I might agree but using a whole extra family with little kids as justification just doesn't sit right with me. And it doesn't necessarily cost the same to clean a house with 7 people as it does to clean for one or two, more people equals more mess and more hours required to clean to the same standard.
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Absolutely hire a cleaner, and use Dad's money! Medicaid provided a cleaner for my mother's tiny apartment. She lived alone. She told the assessment lady, "I don't need cleaning help. My daughters do that." My sister piped up and said "When we come to visit we want to play Scrabble with you, or take you for a walk. We don't want to scrub your toilet!" I had cleaning help the entire time (10 years) my husband had dementia.

There are things that only a parent or grandparent can do for/with a child; there are things best done by a loved one for an elder. It is perfectly reasonable to concentrate on those things, and hire someone for the "anyone-can-do" mundane tasks.

Taking care of/living with someone who has dementia is more than enough contribution to his well-being. You certainly don't have to figure out how much of the cleaning needs are his vs yours. (Is he paying you, by the way?) A cleaning service is going to charge you the same whether 5 people tracked dirt in or only 1 did. The entire floor has to be cleaned in either case.

It is time you retired for the housecleaning role!

You don't need permission or approval from your niece. You need to be sure that Dad has a clean environment. You may do that any way that works best for you.
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How much help would dad need if he was the only person living in the house? If 75% of the mess is coming from your daughter and her kids then I don't think he should be on the hook for the entire expense, especially since he already pays an outside caregiver to take care of his personal needs.
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