First let me say I'm no prize myself! I'm a 54 year old mother of two young teens. I moved in with my mother and kids after a bad divorce that financially ruined me and I can never recover from so, here I stay. Our relationship is TOXIC and I've been in therapy for many years due to deep depression. Since I moved back 8 years ago I've been having BIG mother issues. As a child my mother smothered me and made all my decisions (not my choice). She has high anxiety and has always told me everything is too dangerous! So resentment sent me down that exact road. As far as my childhood goes it was good and I honestly believe two things for sure if I didn't live with her our relationship would be much better and that if she hadn't continued certain behaviors I would be okay. These are things I've been asking her for a minimum of 6 years and she just ignores me or rolls her eyes and says I'm too sensitive. Yes mom I'm your sensitive daughter and if you know that about me why don't you treat me that way instead of making me feel damaged. I told her once she was insensitive and she said "no I'm not". My biggest issue is she treats me like a child and will not stop! She also treated my kids like they're hers and constantly tells us all what we should or shouldn't do yet ignores any advice herself. She's a great ignorer. That's her go to when I'm a bad girl. She is so controlling and manipulative and my sister's only see a little of her worst and admit shes sneeky and incredibly stubborn. She saves most of her overbearing and hurtful stuff for me, the youngest so 3 of 4 of my siblings don't see why I'm so angry at her. One of my brother's felt the same way that mom treat us like idiot kids. That same brother is now in a nursing home (at 64 years old) and is mostly clear headed. Once I took my mom to visit him and I'll never go with her again. She patted him on the head and bent over to talk to him like he's brain dead. I wanted to kill her! Why doesn't she know we have anger at her for treating us like kids? I've told her how much it infuriates and insults me when she does that a million times! I've been trying to get her to understand that I want to be treated like the adult I am and she'll say " once a mother always a mother". I get it but it's a parents responsibility to mature with their children. A toddler doesn't need as much care as a newborn and so on. In her head I never grew up and she encouraged me to be dependent on her. Also she judges me by what was acceptable in her day 1950's.. My sister's let her do whatever she wants because they say she can't change now. People can change and these are issues I've been experiencing with her for a long time. Couldn't she have changed a few things especially due to us fighting. I really know that no one sees what I see and feel. Also the fact that my mother denies or ignores whatever she wants and rolls her eyes or ignores me and tells me im too sensitive. I've really been questioning my own sanity. Am I imagining all this pain or is it there? And that really scares me. Did I make all this up? She once told me its all in my head. So do I forget all this ( which obviously I can't) and suck it up and then feel terrible for the rest of my life once my mom dies or do I have a right to express anger and hurt or feel guilty for telling her these things at her age. I just want to reiterate I've been asking her to back off for about 6 years now. Please advise. This is consuming me and I hate it. Thank you all for listening.

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I know this isn't the right time to make a big change in your life, but once the coronavirus problem subsides, I hope you'll consider looking for another therapist. Since you've been with this therapist for a long time, I'm assuming you must be comfortable with her/him. However, that you have continued this long with this much depression and uncertainty about good paths for you suggests to me that it's time for a change. As others have commented, you probably can't do much about your mother's behavior at this point in your life, but you should be able to learn other ways of coping with your mother than what you've tried so far. I would suggest also that you try to find a therapist who uses cognitive behavior modifiation techniques, which I believe your would find very helpful. You don't mention whetr y our therapist is an M.D. (a psychiatrist) and whether you've tried any medications to help. If you're not totally opposed to medication, if you haven't been prescribed antidepressants, they really might help. If you prefer a clinical psychologist or a social worker as a therapist, she/he may refer you to a psychiatrist for medication/medication adjustment while she/he still provides therapy for you.

I know at any time this is a difficult thing to do, especially when the therapist needs to be in your health plan. Possibly your current therapist will have some suggestions. In my experience, therapists do not want to keep a client indefinitely when the clients is not improving much (which I'm assuming, perhaps erroneously, is the case).
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Reply to caroli1

There are a number of members that have your problem but...they are now caring for a mother that is TOXIC and can't get away now For me, I could not live this way. Your depression is probably because of Mom. It will get no better as long as you live with her.
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Reply to JoAnn29

I’m sorry for your pain, and yes it’s real. What you must come to peace with is that your mother won’t change, her personality and habits are very old and entrenched and not going to bend or be different. No matter how much you want a warm, understanding mother, that’s not who she is. The one capable of change, the one you’re in control of is you. Make a conscious choice not to talk with her about your problems or concerns, stop looking for what she’s not able to give. Stop going to the well, there’s no water there! I’m glad you have a therapist, and I hope you have or will find other sources of positive people to be around. Fill your life with those that uplift, not those that tear down. If you don’t get support from siblings, don’t talk about things with them. Hopefully you can find a way to not live with your mother, but if that’s not possible, don’t engage in arguments or conversations that will bring you down. I hope you’ll lose the mindset that you’ll “never recover” from the divorce, recovery is possible, even if it takes a long time. It is fine to have a surface friendly relationship with your mother, one that doesn’t have depth and real relating. I’ve done that with a sibling and it’s brought much peace. I wish you well
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Reply to Daughterof1930

It is difficult to ask a parent to respect you as an adult when you living with them.  Your divorce was 8 years ago.  Now is not an easy time, but the Covaid crises will be over, and then you have to look for a way to support your kids.  Are you getting child support?  Have you filed for it?   It can be adjusted.
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Reply to FloridaDD

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