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My dad (87) has always been verbally and emotionally abusive to my mom (83). My mom just takes it and never says a bad word about my dad. Their neighbor, and their caregiver (2 people) think dad is starting to get a little physically aggressive with mom - pinching her arm, pushing, and getting in her physical space, though I've never seen any bruises. I asked my mom privately if something was going on and she just couldn't tell me. It sure seemed like she wanted to say something, but she held herself back. They both have moderate dementia and are living in their home with a paid care giver 4 mornings a week. My dad is never physically aggressive to my mom when I am there. Do I assume physical abuse is occurring even though my mom does not confirm (nor deny) it happening. With both of them having some dementia, I don't know whether to believe either of them. I also think my mom is afraid of her future if she does say something. She rather be at home with him and than be somewhere alone. I was thinking of making an appt for my mom to visit with my dad's hospice chaplain (away from their home). The chaplain is very nice and I know my mom likes her, and my mom is very religious so I think that aspect would be helpful. The chaplain might be able to get my mom to talk about what is happening. Do I install a camera in their home? I don't know whether to take action ASAP or wait until my mom admits that dad is hurting her physically. But she might never admit that. I don't want to overreact but I also can't bear the thought of her living in fear. I am activated POA for both of them for HC and financial.

Time to put cameras in the house so you can see what is going on.
But..
If your neighbors that are helping care for your parents are telling you that dad is being physically abusive to mom then believe it. Why on earth would you wait to see bruises or other "proof" of physical abuse?
If a friend of your daughters told you her boyfriend was hitting her and pinching her would you wait to see bruises before you would say or do something? If your child told you the teacher pinched them because they were not paying attention would you wait...
I hope you see my point here...do not wait until you see physical evidence it might be too late then.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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So say that you put in cameras and it was confirmed that your Dad was getting abusive with your Mom. As PoA, what would be your solution to this? The only way to protect your Mom most likely is to separate them. Who would go where -- and can they afford it?

Also, what about meds to address your Dad's aggressiveness/agitation?

What about meds for your Mom's anxiety?

Why is your Dad on hospice? For what and how long has that been going on?

Personally I don't think I'd spend energy trying to get your Mom to admit anything, and she may not be cognitvely able to accurately recall things, anyway. Just look for the evidence and choose a course of action -- you don't have to tell them your plan or get buy-in.
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kans1220 Nov 17, 2025
thanks Geaton777 for your thoughts. I don't know how much care either of them would qualify for, so I should get an assessment done for each of them. We have several facilities near their home but I have no idea of availability. My dad doesn't take his current medications regularly, so I'm not sure if adding another one would result in improvement. My mom takes a very mild antidepressant now, but I could look into increasing the dosage slightly. My dad has been in Hospice for 6 months due to CHF. Physically he's holding his own. He's just very depressed and angry. Thank you for your last comment - I don't need their buy-in. That's a complete turnabout from my current thinking and plan of action. I just want to reassure myself that I'm doing the right thing.
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A home environment is very different when there are no visitors. The cameras in my parents' home helped prove my brother was verbally abusing my mom and dad. They allowed me to identify the exact changes needed to remedy the situation.

You can screen record any abuse you see on the video, to preserve it and use as proof, if necessary. Camera apps only keep videos for a certain amount of time.

I also like your idea of having your mom talk to a chaplain. She may not feel comfortable speaking to family. Your mom needs a break from this treatment.
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Reply to DaughterofAD3
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kans1220 Nov 17, 2025
Thank you for your input on using in-home cameras. I feel guilty about even thinking of having one installed, but it might give me the reassurance that I'm doing the right thing. I hope I can get something scheduled soon for my mom to meet with the chaplain. My mom does deserve a break from my dad.
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If you wait to move your mom, there might be two big problems: your mom injured by your dad, and your dad arrested.
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Reply to Rosered6
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kans1220 Nov 17, 2025
That is a fear of mine. My dad would never forgive me if I moved them. My mom would accept it. Thank you for your thoughts.
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No abuser is going to behave abusively in front of a witness or someone who can do something about it. You should put in a cameras. Hidden ones. Don't let your parents know. Then you can see for yourself what's going on.

You say your father has always been verbally and emotionally abusive to your mother. No doubt he's also been physically abusive to her to. Just covert about it. Verbal abuse always graduates over to physical abuse. Your mother chose to continue tolerating his abusive behavior. If she has dementia, she can't make that decision anymore and you will have to.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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kans1220 Nov 17, 2025
My mom has chosen to stay with my dad over the years because that's what she was raised to believe. I do need to remember that she can't express herself (not that she ever really did share her feelings) due to her dementia. But when we visit she often is the same mom that raised me. I think putting in a camera might be my best source of information for now. Thank you for your comments.
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Wait for bruises? NO. By the time bruises are noticeable, she could be seriously injured or dead.

"Oh, he wouldn't do that!" Just because he hasn't done it yet, don't think he won't. He is an abuser. He has had no qualms about being emotionally and verbally abusive to mom. Because she would never say anything, he was safe from detection. Or so he thought. Now dementia is in play, and because of his broken brain, he has fewer inhibitions. Never give an abuser the benefit of a doubt, and never give them second chances.

Fortunately you are aware and seem really smart, and I'm sure you understand the situation - up to a point. You don't want to believe that dad would harm mom. Who does? But the truth is that they both have dementia and they are not the same as they were, nor is their situation. What you do about it is up to you, but I'd be prepared to take decisive action immediately if necessary. Not tomorrow, not next month, but at a moment's notice.

I'm so sorry. This is very distressing. But mom must be protected, no matter what.
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kans1220 Nov 17, 2025
Thank you Fawnby for your thoughts. It is a distressing situation and there will be no 'winner' no matter what I decide. The dementia really throws me off. When we are sitting together, having a nice visit, I think why would I want to move and/or separate them? But, when my dad is difficult and demanding, then I worry about my mom. I need to think of my mom's safety first. Thank you.
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I don't think you need to wait for evidence that he is becoming physically aggressive and hurting her. I would assume it is happening or will happen. If both your mother and father have some form of dementia, it will soon become unsafe for them to be living at home. And, dementia sufferers can become aggressive and hurt someone. Don't wait for that to happen.

I think it's time to move both of them out of their home. If you haven't already, start looking at the options now! You'll want to check out Assisted Living, Memory Care, and skilled nursing facilities. Take a tour, ask questions, determine what is best suited for their needs, and where they would be most comfortable.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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This might be a case of ‘wait and watch’. Perhaps things are getting difficult, but at present your guess is that M would “rather be at home with him than be somewhere alone”. If so, you won’t get any thanks for intervening right now. Keep watching for bruises covered by clothing, particularly on upper arms. A camera is another step, and you can justify it as 'watching the carers' rather than him.

One more step is to be clear to D that physical abuse is likely to result in BOTH of them going into care. He needs to be very careful for BOTH their sakes.
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kans1220 Nov 17, 2025
You make several good points. Your last paragraph really resonates with me. I will make that point with my dad next time I visit. 2 weeks ago their neighbor and I moved a cedar chest out of their bedroom and my dad hasn't talked to me since. I've been asking his permission to move it for the 6 - 8 months, after he fell in their bedroom and the EMTs had a hard time getting him up because he was wedged between the bed and that cedar chest. It hurts me that he is so mad at me. Installing a camera to 'watch the caregivers' is an excellent way to get it installed without him getting defensive and angry again at me. Thank you Margaret for your thoughts.
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I can't fathom a couple in dementia, with a history of abusive behavior, being just left to it, myself. Your mother won't be leaving him; this is her marriage as she knows it, no different than it has ever been unless she is being physically abused.

It is time to call APS and discuss this with them. If Dad is demented it is unlikely he can abuse when no one is there and be "Mr. Nice" when you care workers are there. I would have a long talk with the care workers.

If you are POA you may need to take action to remove mom from the home. I would discuss with her and with APS out of your father's hearing, and in fact out of the home.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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I’m sorry you’re experiencing this turmoil. You’ve gotten good input. There are no perfect or even great solutions, as happens most often with our elders. Consider that how they each are today is the best they will ever be, the steady decline marches on, sometimes in bits and sometimes in a landslide. Make decisions with an eye toward the decline as well as protecting mom now. I wish you much peace
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