My dad (87) has always been verbally and emotionally abusive to my mom (83). My mom just takes it and never says a bad word about my dad. Their neighbor, and their caregiver (2 people) think dad is starting to get a little physically aggressive with mom - pinching her arm, pushing, and getting in her physical space, though I've never seen any bruises. I asked my mom privately if something was going on and she just couldn't tell me. It sure seemed like she wanted to say something, but she held herself back. They both have moderate dementia and are living in their home with a paid care giver 4 mornings a week. My dad is never physically aggressive to my mom when I am there. Do I assume physical abuse is occurring even though my mom does not confirm (nor deny) it happening. With both of them having some dementia, I don't know whether to believe either of them. I also think my mom is afraid of her future if she does say something. She rather be at home with him and than be somewhere alone. I was thinking of making an appt for my mom to visit with my dad's hospice chaplain (away from their home). The chaplain is very nice and I know my mom likes her, and my mom is very religious so I think that aspect would be helpful. The chaplain might be able to get my mom to talk about what is happening. Do I install a camera in their home? I don't know whether to take action ASAP or wait until my mom admits that dad is hurting her physically. But she might never admit that. I don't want to overreact but I also can't bear the thought of her living in fear. I am activated POA for both of them for HC and financial.
But..
If your neighbors that are helping care for your parents are telling you that dad is being physically abusive to mom then believe it. Why on earth would you wait to see bruises or other "proof" of physical abuse?
If a friend of your daughters told you her boyfriend was hitting her and pinching her would you wait to see bruises before you would say or do something? If your child told you the teacher pinched them because they were not paying attention would you wait...
I hope you see my point here...do not wait until you see physical evidence it might be too late then.
Also, what about meds to address your Dad's aggressiveness/agitation?
What about meds for your Mom's anxiety?
Why is your Dad on hospice? For what and how long has that been going on?
Personally I don't think I'd spend energy trying to get your Mom to admit anything, and she may not be cognitvely able to accurately recall things, anyway. Just look for the evidence and choose a course of action -- you don't have to tell them your plan or get buy-in.
You can screen record any abuse you see on the video, to preserve it and use as proof, if necessary. Camera apps only keep videos for a certain amount of time.
I also like your idea of having your mom talk to a chaplain. She may not feel comfortable speaking to family. Your mom needs a break from this treatment.
You say your father has always been verbally and emotionally abusive to your mother. No doubt he's also been physically abusive to her to. Just covert about it. Verbal abuse always graduates over to physical abuse. Your mother chose to continue tolerating his abusive behavior. If she has dementia, she can't make that decision anymore and you will have to.
"Oh, he wouldn't do that!" Just because he hasn't done it yet, don't think he won't. He is an abuser. He has had no qualms about being emotionally and verbally abusive to mom. Because she would never say anything, he was safe from detection. Or so he thought. Now dementia is in play, and because of his broken brain, he has fewer inhibitions. Never give an abuser the benefit of a doubt, and never give them second chances.
Fortunately you are aware and seem really smart, and I'm sure you understand the situation - up to a point. You don't want to believe that dad would harm mom. Who does? But the truth is that they both have dementia and they are not the same as they were, nor is their situation. What you do about it is up to you, but I'd be prepared to take decisive action immediately if necessary. Not tomorrow, not next month, but at a moment's notice.
I'm so sorry. This is very distressing. But mom must be protected, no matter what.
I think it's time to move both of them out of their home. If you haven't already, start looking at the options now! You'll want to check out Assisted Living, Memory Care, and skilled nursing facilities. Take a tour, ask questions, determine what is best suited for their needs, and where they would be most comfortable.
One more step is to be clear to D that physical abuse is likely to result in BOTH of them going into care. He needs to be very careful for BOTH their sakes.
It is time to call APS and discuss this with them. If Dad is demented it is unlikely he can abuse when no one is there and be "Mr. Nice" when you care workers are there. I would have a long talk with the care workers.
If you are POA you may need to take action to remove mom from the home. I would discuss with her and with APS out of your father's hearing, and in fact out of the home.
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