My mom is 78 and gets around pretty well. She still drives (although she’s had a couple of minor fender benders.) I do take her various doctors appointments most of the time but she does drive herself as well. Her mind is good except for being a little forgetful and mixing up her appointments sometimes. She lives alone in a large home with a big yard. The house is always needing repairs and the yard is never ending, the lawn needs mowing and due to all the trees there are tons of leaves to get up. My husband has been taking care of the yard work and usually fixes minor things around the house when he can. Every time we go to visit she has a list of things that she needs or WANTS done. She calls often to ask for us to do this or that and it’s always like an emergency to her. She loves to plant flowers, watch and feed the birds in her yard and is fantastic at making pound cakes. I’m thrilled she enjoys these hobbies. However, she lets all other chores go. She used to be so particular about how tidy her home was. Now it’s so messy and cluttered. She will say “I need someone to clean for me” or “I need someone to iron clothes for me” etc.... so I know she realizes that these things need to be done. It’s like she only wishes to do things that she enjoys and expects me to do the other things. I have tried talking to her several times about downsizing to a small apartment so that she won’t have the responsibilities that her large home requires. She won’t even discuss it. My feeling is if she’s able to bake cakes and plant flowers then she can clean her own house. Am I wrong? Where do my responsibilities end? I feel used and unappreciated. She has actually called crying and screaming that nobody will do anything for her and nobody cares about her. We’ve found a handyman who is reliable and honest and she’s hired him for a couple of odd jobs but I don’t think she wants to pay for any work, she expects us to do it for free. Any advice on how to handle this?
Dad moved to Independent Living to a really nice apartment which had a full size kitchen. He was so happy there that he said if he knew such a place existed years ago, he would have moved back then :) Plus he was so happy being around people of his own generation.
Dad used the equity in his house to help pay for the rent and other things he needed.
This is exactly my experience as well. Granted, my mum is 86 and has never driven, and lockdown or incipient dementia has reduced her mental capacity over this last year, but there is nothing physically that wrong with her and on the face of it she ought to be capable of doing a lot more than she does.
The trouble is, she has never been independent or self-reliant and both her parents gave up on life years before their bodies failed, and sadly this is happening with my mum. She is in sheltered accommodation with a care call system, but has to pay for almost all the services provided and resents this, thinking as you say that *we* should do it for nothing.
I have never got on well with my mother (NPD/personality problems, etc.) and am finding it incredibly stressful being in this position, which I never asked for as it was her decision to move near us - one she now seems to regret, although we don't know how she could have carried on in the old family home, relying on neighbours and friends for everything.
I accept some degree of duty to help the person who brought me up, however fraught our relationship, but I just don't know how to deal with her increasing negativity and refusal to help herself in any way, while expecting *us* to pick up the pieces. Trying to work out how far I *have* to help her and how far it is acceptable to say 'No, I can't do that; you need to pay for people to help you' is actually damaging my health. The situation is complicated by the fact that she prefers my husband to me and relies mostly on him, and so far he just accepts this and usually gives in to her 'for a quiet life', even though it causes strain in our marriage.
It's getting to the point at which Mum won't go to the on-site cafe to order food or even heat up meals that people bring her, and as she suffers from dizziness (but refuses to take the medication for it), she is in even more danger of falling because of weakness. We aren't sure how long it will be safe for her to live alone now, but I cannot have her living with me for mental-health reasons and neither can my brother for practical ones, though he doesn't want her to go 'into a home'.
I shall read the answers to your original post with interest...
When she has calmed down, try to have another discussion with her, but back it up with information. This can include the regular cost of maintaining the home, but also estimates for major repairs. As you noted, houses ALWAYS need something! Even after renovation, something will rear it's ugly head and scream FIX ME! On top of that, your mother isn't getting any younger. If she can't keep up with regular cleaning chores, she has no business living in a big house.
Explain also that you are incredibly hurt that she screams at you to no one helps or cares. Along with that, list all the things you HAVE done for her, without expecting major thanks (a simple thank you would suffice!) In addition, you have found a good, honest reliable person who can do the work needed, but she doesn't want to pay. Your time is valuable, AND needed elsewhere, so your time isn't free either.
Remind her also, the definition of independent:
"...not depending on another for livelihood or subsistence."
EXAMPLE: "I wanted to remain independent in old age"
If she wants to remain in her own place and be "independent", then she has to take on ownership of getting things done. Period. Either hire someone or live with it as is. THAT is being independent.
While children are growing, they too want to be independent, but they aren't and they haven't learned all that needs to be done to BE independent! Growing older, sure, we will become more dependent on others, but WE need to manage and negotiate that! That is another way to remain in the home, but not be really independent.
As I noted in another thread, similar issue (big house, demanding physical and financial help), I didn't have kids so I would have a butler and a maid when I get older. Your mother has a few years on me, but if I can't manage something myself, I hire someone to do it. This included my son - I paid him to paint the outside of the house in areas I couldn't reach with a short ladder. Probably overpaid, but if I have to pay someone and he 1) could use the extra cash and 2) is willing, then so be it. If he isn't willing or doesn't need the money, someone else gets paid. As time rolls on, I will have to get more help, but I understand that and plan for it. Your mother thinks having kids means you are beholden to her and need to help or you don't love her! WRONG!
Ironing??? HAHAHAHAHA, I don't iron anything, haven't for years! I did find a travel iron in mom's stuff and just recently used it to patch some pants. That's it. If my mother had asked me to do that, I'd be like geez, I don't know how!
Clutter? Make a pile of stuff to get rid of mom. We'll pitch it next time we're here. If you don't make a pile, I won't know what you want to keep.
Cleaning the house, once the clutter is gone, shouldn't be that hard. It's a big place you say, so it may be one room one day, another room another day, but most rooms, once done, shouldn't need weekly touch ups. My place is pretty cluttered at the moment, partly because of having to move everything before the repairs were done, partly because OB brought crap here from mom's place, etc. and a lot of paperwork for the 6 years I managed everything for my mother. PAPERS! I don't do electronic, because if there are questions, I have it all here! Online doesn't store that much.
So, yes, I have work to be done, I have clutter, I need to clean more often, but I do NOT expect my kids to do this and certainly wouldn't ask them to do anything for free. Always a thank you as well! Truth be told, I actually help them more than they've helped me, but that's just because I like helping others.
Here are the things I learned when my mom moved close to me so I could be her sole caregiver:
1. Moving is a LOT of work! Both you and your mom will struggle thru the emotional and physical challenges of her moving. Do your very best to only do it ONE TIME.
In my case, I was not up the the challenges of helping mom downsize. She moved to an equally large home that accommodated almost every single piece of furniture easily. We unpacked the vast majority of 300 boxes and stored in a closet what was unopened after 6 months. Five years later she still mourns items she hasn't "found." Tiny, replaceable things, but she remembers she "lost" them in the move. For me, I think I was absolutely right to keep her in a large home - it would have broken my heart to hear her mourn the big things she did have to give up.
2. There are costs for moving and costs for staying in place. My mom did not stay in the home where she had lived for 25 years. It was too far from me, and while well-maintained it needed regular maintenance, and those untimed big ticket expenses were on the horizon. It is for this reason that I do not like the concept of "aging in place." It is very difficult to keep someone in the same home - especially life takes you farther away from your parents.
Make a list of ALL the tasks that must be done for your mom, her home, yard and car. These are daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly, and annual things from cleaning the house to changing AC filters to paying taxes. Make an exhaustive list, then add in at least 2 unexpected things per month. If you are not able or willing to assume all of these responsibilities - either doing it yourself or overseeing someone to do it for you, changes have to be made.
BUT, realize moving to AL is VERY expensive! While my mom could have afforded a high quality continuum of care facility, she would have easily spent $250,000 at this point. I completely understand why AL is so expensive, because I do/oversee all the tasks as my mom's Geriatric Care Manager and $50k/year is a fair salary for that job.
3. In my experience, having watched grandparents age in their homes, and having moved my mom near me to age in her new home, you can never be too close. My mom and my aunt moved back to their hometown to care for my grandparents. That worked for where they were in their life. I am 20 years younger than my mom was when she moved to care for her parents, and fully invested in my career, so she moved to fit better into my life. It turned out that we live 5 houses apart and close is best. I have friends who live across town, and I know they won't be able to care for their mom the way I care for mine. You can never be too close, and your closeness will only increase as her care needs increase - if you are unable or unwilling to commit to that be honest and plan accordingly.
4. It takes time, technology, and tools to keep someone in their home. Plan that there will be a day when your mom needs a lot of care. That time may be short, or it may be long, but do plan that it will come. Make a list of your resources where your mom is living (or moves to) to know if you have, or can recruit, the help you will need.
When I agreed to moving my mom close to me it was because my town has an active senior community center with activities M-F, an adult daycare M-F, an excellent hospital, and a quality nursing home. I know I have the tools here to provide basic care for my mom. Across the last 5 years I have added a lot of technical knowledge and skills into our lives so I can offload my time to a smart device. Make a list of what you need and what is available right now.
5. Caring for an aging parent is transformative. It has been a WONDERUL experience for me! But, it is hard.
My mom lost all of her belongings in Hurricane Katrina so I did not deal with downsizing.
It sounds like it’s a big problem for many people. People have so many emotions attached to their belongings and their homes.
As I watch my mother in her final home, a hospice house I realize more and more how we don’t really need any belongings. Mom values love and care from others more than any objects.
I am fascinated by different
cultural beliefs.
One of my favorite museum exhibitions was on the Egyptian lifestyle. They did take everything with them to their graves!
I live in a FACILITY...independently...it's called "INDEPENDENT LIVING". I have an apartment for which I pay rent. I can have a car and am free to drive when and where I want. I have a full kitchen of my own. (but meals are furnished here so I don't need to cook) I do my own shopping, laundry, handle my own business affairs, manage my own medical needs (family or others can help me with these things if I need it) BUT I am free from home maintenance and lawn care. Some minimal housekeeping is furnished, but I can hire more household help if desired. Yes, I have had to downsize from the home I once had, but life is simpler and there are many social activities here.
ASSISTED LIVING provides help with bathing, dressing, medication management, basic everyday essentials... more help than many elders need.
So please do not suggest that the only option to living in one's own home is "ASSISTED LIVING".
A "NURSING HOME" provides nursing care for patients who are confined to bed at least part-time, with medical problems that require licensed nursing care around the clock. Unless a person suffers from Alzheimer's or other severely disabling illnesses, they usually don't need this kind of care.