Is it time for a nursing home for my 77 year old mom? - AgingCare.com

Is it time for a nursing home for my 77 year old mom?

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The long journey began when I was approximately 18 years old. (I am 44 now) My parents were what I consider great parents and I always tried to do everything I could to make their life better. My dad developed COPD and I cared as much as possible for him, taking him to DR’s and so forth, grocery shopping and other items that he could not due because of the disease. My mother never drove or worked. He passed away in 2002 leaving me to care for my mother, who was totally dependent upon me. I have been since that time her sole provider and caregiver. I have one sibling who turned her back at every corner and still refuses to help me. My mom has only mild dementia and is taking Aricept and Namenda to combat, she has spinal compression fractures and is in constant pain, Atrial Fib and takes Coumadin, she also suffers from depression and requires so much med management and frequent visits to DR’s offices it makes scheduling a juggling act. She lived independently from 2002 to 2010 and I took care of her house, bills, grocery shopping and everything else in addition to trying to have a career. In 2010 after losing my job due to the constant calls and crisis she would conjure up just to get attention we decided that she would move to an assisted living facility and to help offset the cost I was able to continue to handle the meds for her, and some other small things like doing her laundry and picking up snacks. Upon securing yet another job the crisis began happening again. I lost that job and have been struggling to make ends meet. She had to move in with me! That was the only option. So since March 2013 I have been at her every call, or whimper. I can not get any assistance from the Area on Agency as Georgia has cut funding for about every program that was available for the elderly. I have not had a vacation since 2002! I am so at witts end. Burnout is an understatement, frustration has overwhelmed me as I now even if I secure a job there is no one to take care of her at my home. Her DR will not order home health since June, yet almost the entire time she was at the facility she had home health. I have a life partner who works and helps with bills. I have depleted everything I have ever saved, I can’t go any further. I have filed chapter 13 in hopes of keeping my vehicle. The only option it seems is a nursing home. It doesn’t make any sense that the State of Georgia would rather pick her up on Medicaid and pay several thousand dollars so she could live in a nursing home instead of offering the program they once had that would provide an allowance for a caregiver to keep someone out of a nursing home. I never get a break other than waking up at 3am and being able to have some “me” time and a cup of coffee. When she gets up around 7-8am it is pretty much an all-day event of doing things for her. I can barely get out to the grocery store to pick up things without a call or upon return her giving me the third degree about “what took so long”! I was only gone 30 minutes! My health is now getting bad and I can’t do things like I once could. I have had several people tell me that I am “looking old” and I should do something. Is it time for me to move her to a nursing home?

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Yes, it's time to get back to your own life and get your mom help from others who she can't manipulate like she's manipulating you. It sounds like her whole life has required manipulation, since she never learned to be responsible for herself and had to depend on others for everything. That's sad to me, but you need to live your own life with your partner. Even if you get her into a facility, like Vstefans says, counseling for yourself would help too. You need support in setting strong boundaries with your mom. Where ever she is, she's going to try to push your buttons and you have to learn the skills to resist and deflect her. Keep us posted on how you're doing...
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Yes it is time. Will she agree to go? if you can get her into hospital for the required number of days she can be transferred directly which will speed things up.
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The people who said you were looking old should keep their mouth shut. If you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all. It is plain to me that your mother needs to be in the NH and you need to find your life back and set boundaries. Sure after she is in the NH you can look in on her once in a while, but your first priority is YOU.
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Her doctor is not doing a very good job if they are not treating the osteoporosis and leaving her in pain. The state of Georgia is not doing a very good job if they have NO waiver programs in lieu of institutionalization, in fact it would be an Olmstead violation against keeping people in least restrictive environments.
Have you been through these options already? :
aging.dhs.georgia.gov/community-care-services-program
dch.georgia.gov/waivers

If they have a wait list, I'd say get on it, and there is a website about waiting lists too at unlockthewaitinglists.com

Your comment about no options and Mom creating crises makes me wonder too if you will need help from a counselor, or maybe a facility social worker, with limit setting, or else, if you do decide to place her in skilled nursing, and try to rebuild your own life, the crises might not end there either!
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Since your mom needs help all day long I would say that it's time to look into long term care. Especially if you're running your health into the ground by caring for her.
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My state had funds cut for independent care also, which is a really nonsense move in my opinion, but could you find her another doctor who would see if some home health care is available for her? If not, you may have to put her in a nursing home. I haven't even had time to get a physical now in ten years, so I know exactly what you're talking about and you have to think of your health also.
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Yes, it is time to have her doctor to write up an order for her to go into a nursing home before taking care of her puts you in one or kills you.
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Yes it is time for a nursing home, given the complex medical history. Work with the MD to find a nice place nearby. You may have to wait for an opening.
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