Please help us in making the right decision, it really aches the heart ...
My uncle is about 60 and he has liver cancer and cirrohsis both late stages, and he is now been handed to hospice ..... he lives in the states, and his mom (my grandma) usually visits him in the states (she lives abroad) once a year and spends a couple of months with him ...
Given that he is her youngest, and I could say favorite, she sees him as the youngest and healthiest of her kids (he has elder sisters but all suffering from different illnesses but living with them) ... he is her pride, her backbone, her pet ... you name it ...
She hasn't seen him now for more than 2 years (the covid situation mainly was the factor) ... but since last year he was diagnosed with liver cancer, and he never told her because she would be devastated let alone pressure him in so many ways .... so to take the pressure away from both of them (that is what he believes) he never told her, and he told his sisters and nieces and nephews not to as well ..... during the course of a year, he kept deteriorating, and now he is in his last stages, doctors say he needs to prepare to die and nothing can be done, and they handed him to hospice, who are giving him the soothing care which is meant to let a person die in peace ...
The crazy thing is his mom does not even know he is sick, she thinks he is her healthy young son full of life, the one she always knew, ... she has been nagging for a year now to see him, and they keep giving her excuses so they don't send her to the states, they tell her its covid and its bad and she can't travel ... and she keeps longing to her son and saying she misses him ...
Tell me please, is it right not to tell her until now? .. her daughters say they are scared she will be devastated (which she will of course) .. they are scared something will happen to her (since her health has deteriorated lately, but mainly pscyhologically, she is having so much anxiety, panic attacks and depression) ...
Do you think it is fair to keep her in the dark? Because we believe she cannot handle it and that she will make a difficult situation worse?
Is it better she knows the news if he passes away? Or better to know it now and see him at his worst and be with him?
Please help us make the right decision for our family
Thank you
For him to just disappear one day in death will be hard on her. She will regret not seeing him these past years and she shouldn't have to feel that way.
yes it will be hard. Start with calls about him going to a dr, getting a test result, slowly go through the steps that should have been done long ago, break it to her in steps and gently as if you all are just finding out.
What is her cognitive level? will she forget and keep asking or will she understand? Maybe uncle can write he a booklet of his memories and value of his mom so she will have that in her time of loss.
him during this time. It will be more devastating to her if she somehow finds
out about her son and that she was denied to be with him during his final
days. And she will never forgive any of you.
My mother was lied about her younger brother (whom she had raised) when
he got cancer and died. Never told her of his sickness or her death. So she
was wondering why was he not contacting her anymore. That did more
damage to her that telling her the truth. She was living with one of my sisters
at the time far fro me. So I did not find out until it was too late. They probably
did not want me to let her know. She never got over what she though it was
his rejection of her.
She felt abandoned by someone who has always been so close to her.
I am 87 years old and as much as it would affect me something happening
to any of my sons, It will kill me not to be able to be at their side during their
sickness and/or death. My older son had cancer and I was told. Went to
be with him (different state) during his hospital stay. Luckily he survived
but I will never had survived if, I and him , were denied the opportunity to
be together.
And have you thought about the feelings of her son not having his mother
with him at this time?
Please rethink your decision. If you have children of your own think if you will
like to be deprived to be with him/her (or deprivng them of your company)
at their final hour?
that because she is 86 she is not competent. I am 87, my mind is working OK
I still drive, do a lot of reading, go shopping , get into political group discussions
etc. She maybe not be able to do some things but her mind can still be working
and be able to understand what is going on. Do not go by a person's age to
determine her ability to understand and to decide how she should feel.
Some young people are too self-centered to be able to care about the feelings and needs of others. They may not care.
If it were me, I would talk with your uncle and convince him to tell his mom so that they both have the opportunity to say goodbye. If she is mentally with it, she will need that closure. If she is mentally declined like my mom was, she may not have much reaction or it may be short lived.