Is it right to tell an 86 year old that her son (60) is terminally ill?

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Is it right to tell an 86 year old that her son (60) is terminally ill?

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Please help us in making the right decision, it really aches the heart ...

My uncle is about 60 and he has liver cancer and cirrohsis both late stages, and he is now been handed to hospice ..... he lives in the states, and his mom (my grandma) usually visits him in the states (she lives abroad) once a year and spends a couple of months with him ...

Given that he is her youngest, and I could say favorite, she sees him as the youngest and healthiest of her kids (he has elder sisters but all suffering from different illnesses but living with them) ... he is her pride, her backbone, her pet ... you name it ...

She hasn't seen him now for more than 2 years (the covid situation mainly was the factor) ... but since last year he was diagnosed with liver cancer, and he never told her because she would be devastated let alone pressure him in so many ways .... so to take the pressure away from both of them (that is what he believes) he never told her, and he told his sisters and nieces and nephews not to as well ..... during the course of a year, he kept deteriorating, and now he is in his last stages, doctors say he needs to prepare to die and nothing can be done, and they handed him to hospice, who are giving him the soothing care which is meant to let a person die in peace ...

The crazy thing is his mom does not even know he is sick, she thinks he is her healthy young son full of life, the one she always knew, ... she has been nagging for a year now to see him, and they keep giving her excuses so they don't send her to the states, they tell her its covid and its bad and she can't travel ... and she keeps longing to her son and saying she misses him ...

Tell me please, is it right not to tell her until now? .. her daughters say they are scared she will be devastated (which she will of course) .. they are scared something will happen to her (since her health has deteriorated lately, but mainly pscyhologically, she is having so much anxiety, panic attacks and depression) ...

Do you think it is fair to keep her in the dark? Because we believe she cannot handle it and that she will make a difficult situation worse?

Is it better she knows the news if he passes away? Or better to know it now and see him at his worst and be with him?

Please help us make the right decision for our family

Thank you

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Her son doesn’t want her to know . A Mother seeing her terminally ill son could throw her over the edge . I think this is the sons decision not yours .

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My mother was 88 when my brother sat down with her to break the news that he had been diagnosed with colon cancer. She was extremely upset but had a long chat with him about it. We met as a family to talk about it and she said to all of us that she trusted her children and did not want to be ignored, or have bad news kept from her as if she were a child. If we did this then the bond of trust would be broken. We had a huge celebration for her 90th birthday in June 2008 then sadly in November of that year my brother died in hospital. The following day Mum had a stroke, not severe and no lasting paralysis but we were all guilt ridden about the burden we thought we had given her. She spoke to us all saying that nothing could help the devastation she felt at his loss, but she had the right to experience it and deal with it in her way.. We felt after that we could have more frank discussions. My brother died in America and his widow offered to send some of his ashes to Mum. She accepted this offer and asked for them to be buried with her. Our local surgery asked us to complete a form regarding Mum's thoughts about resuscitation and although I was appalled to be asking her about it I did and she gave her answer. The reason for the form is that if the very elderly are resuscitated a great deal of damage, such as broken ribs, can be caused during the process. There were other such questions about whether she preferred to spend her final hours at home or in the hospital. She told me she was glad that she was able to make such decisions. I would never have chosen to tell her about my brother unless he had. However, she was adamant that she would have been very, very upset had she not known. I am now approaching my 80th year and sometimes I feel ignored or powerless and fully understand now what she felt about my brother's decision to tell her. She said just talk to me the way we always talked I am not a different person because I am elderly.

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i love this response. this is exactly what I'm talking about when its time for one to feel that exact pain. they don't realize it until its there turn. we always suppose to do our best. ppl are ppl. pain is pain whether we know it or not how we would handle the situation. I just believe when u tell someone bad news be there for them as long and as best as u can. those are my thoughts. I'm praying for u. I'm happy u and ur family were close.

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In our family, we've always talked openly about illness and death in very practical terms, so I know what the right answer would be for us. But every family is different, and so many have made the point that if your uncle doesn't want to reveal this to his mother, then it is his decision. Could the rest of you encourage the uncle to write a letter to his mother so that at least he will have the chance to communicate a last message to her after he is gone. If he doesn't believe that he could deal with her grief while he is alive, at least he could send a note about his reasoning for keeping this information from her. It's just a thought. Good luck to your family.

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She knows something is not right. A mother always knows. I’d rather tell my mother out of respect and transparency. Her son was trying to spare her the pain, but you can’t in the long run. She’s probably thinking he’s either abandoned her or is ill or worse.

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first of all, I'm so sorry. I'm also sorry how we all think we know better and try to keep secrets. if u let go, and let God he will guide u all. In my opinion as u can see. I would have told her. unfortunately, she would not be able to visit him bc of the Cov but u can skype, use cell as face time. Don't let her miss talking and seeing him. u maybe surprise she may do just fine. nobody can tell u what to do you can pray and use ur own judgement. i think her son would even be happy to see his mom. u never know. either way its bothering her not seeing him vs seeing him, u be the judge.

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I also, think ppl who hide are the very ones whom cannot handle the situation. u don't know until u tell her. I do say give her all the hugs, love and comfort as possible.

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i agree with Vanistan. if he cannot write take pics have her at least communicate via facetime, something. send pics when he was well. she may think he abandoned her. that could hurt her more. ppl ur not mind readers. non of us. where only going by what we think or assume. most of the time its always the opposite.

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My mother in law was in care, and moderately demented when her son died. The family disagreed about even telling her he had died. We were caring for her and did not believe we could not tell her. She was saddened, went to the funeral, asked those present to pray for him. I know she did. She was very religious and may have been more resilient for this reason. He did die rather suddenly. She was a sensible lady, and remained sensible almost entirely through her long years of dementia. I think it depends on the person. How much does your mother scrutinize your responses about your brother? If she doesn't push, specifically, she may not want to know more. Ask her what would make her feel better and why. I would agree that your brother has a big say in this. You might look into his reasoning. Is he protecting her at great cost to himself, or is he protecting himself from a painful situation. There are no RIGHT answers, only difficult ones.

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It is totally UNFAIR to let him pass without letting mom see her son and have a chance to say goodbye!

Every one else has had two years to know and get use to the idea that he is dying and had plenty of time to say their goodbyes.

Mok should be told that he is sick and someone should travel with her to see her son for the last time NOW!

No one should have made that decision for mom of not letting her see her son before he dies, mom would be heartbroken and probably never forgive ya'll for not telling her.

Mare the reservations today and someone go with mom to visit her son.

PUT yourself in her shoes. If you had a loved one dying as horrible and sad as it is would you want to see the loved one before they die?
Of course you would.

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My mother in law was in care, and moderately demented when her son died. The family disagreed about even telling her he had died. We were caring for her and did not believe we could not tell her. She was saddened, went to the funeral, asked those present to pray for him. I know she did. She was very religious and may have been more resilient for this reason. He did die rather suddenly. She was a sensible lady, and remained sensible almost entirely through her long years of dementia. I think it depends on the person. How much does your mother scrutinize your responses about your brother? If she doesn't push, specifically, she may not want to know more. Ask her what would make her feel better and why. I would agree that your brother has a big say in this. You might look into his reasoning. Is he protecting her at great cost to himself, or is he protecting himself from a painful situation. There are no RIGHT answers, only difficult ones. I thought there was an answer below that might be helpful. Help her write a letter to him and discuss her concerns and worries. Maybe ask him to do the same. Since Covid has reemerged as a terrible problem, this might be necessary in fact. It would spare her seeing his condition and him demonstrating it to her if he chooses not to do so.

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right, writing is good as well. that also, can help her heal.

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here son may have at the time didn't want his mom to know. but I'm quit sure he would love to hear her voice one last time. u can never go back once there gone. be wise and think wise and make wise choices.

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And record this special time of the two of them, so she can hear the last time she spoke with him and he her. There will times it will come up, and the tape will be of great value.

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She should be told. How will she be when she finds out everyone hid the truth from her and made this decision for her? She has the right to say goodbye to him, comfort him.

I would be so angry if someone took that from me. It's not right.

Just my 2 cents.

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She doesn't need to find out.
All she needs to know is that her son's wishes were honored.

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A case could be made for both points of view. Does she suffer from dementia? If yes, there is no point in giving her this news. The impact of stress on the Immune system is an accepted understanding of health and wellness. So, the question is what decision would be the least stressful for her? Not knowing her son had been sick and longing to be with him? Or telling her after her son died that he was gone? For her sons and your cousins and you, would you want to know that your child was sick and dying? How would you or other family members feel if they never got to tell their sick child they loved the child and good-bye? The best thing to do, from my perspective, is to seek G-d and pray for the most compassionate decisions for all concerned.

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There is a school of thought that they don't remember so what's the point telling them. LIFE is the point. She earned the right to know and if you ask her, she will probably say yes, tell me, I want to know. There are many ways to introduce it. Taking her to see him and he's in bed and you say he's not well. Asking her if one of the kids were dying, would she want to know. You have to lead into it. Many people feel dementia patients are totally out of their mind. Not so. They told me at the hospital and nursing home that mom had 11 days to live. What disease? None. Dementia. Why 11 days. She hasn't eaten or drank anything for 4 days. What? And nobody called me? They were all so cocky and proud, arrogant, pompous. I went right in and immediately took her Ensure and Pedialyte, mixed it into a cup and told her Mom, I got your favorite strawberry milkshake for you. Nobody can take it away. This is yours. No one will take it away. (See the psychology I used?) She drank 20 ounces without stopping. I have it on video. I was sick of hearing them say right in front of her she will be dead in 11 days. The rats. Because of course it's okay since she has dementia and it will only torture her till she forgets what they said. You know what? The morons accused me of eating her food. They couldn't handle the truth. I'm still preparing a lawsuit against them all. They need to move into it slowly and gauge her responses. Of course, if she goes wild and scream, NO NO NO Don't ever tell me my baby is dying, I don't want to know, then hold off. Even that might be just an initial reaction and you end up telling her. But clearly if she responds appropriately to the question you ask and gives a proper answer, Yes, I would want to know, she's not totally out of her mind unable to process information and you should tell her being as gentle as you would with anybody.

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I didn’t even have to read the whole post- a mom no matter what needs to know if her own child is likely going to die, of course she needs to know. How you tell her - with sensitivity and support but for God sake she needs to know

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Read the entire post Sarah.
Nothing is black nor white. Life is shades of gray.
You do not know the relationship between this mother and son.
Did you read this part:
"and he never told her because she would be devastated let alone pressure him in so many ways .... so to take the pressure away from both of them (that is what he believes) he never told her."
The son doesn't want either of them to be / feel pressured - he's dying. Does he also need to feel pressured, too?

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I am 84 and I would need to know. No matter the age a mother needs to know. I lost a son and it is devastating, but I would not have wanted to not know. The only qualifier is if the mother has dementia (which I gather she doesn't) and couldn't process the news. Will it be difficult for family to see her pain? Yes, of course. But she still needs to know. Get her the help of her doctor and/or a counselor for dealing with her emotions.

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We don't know the family circumstances.
Perhaps this son is dying from alcoholism as I am not sure what "liver cancer and cirrohsis both late stages" is and/or if possibly caused by alcoholic.
Point being. We do not know the family dynamics.
The son has a right to decide to tell his mother or not.
Rich, I believe needs to step back and be more objective about another family, other points of view.
It is ultimately up to the son, and the family.
I certainly wouldn't get into a 'long letter' about secrecy oaths. The letter needs to be sharing the good times the son and mother shared.

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I agree with Countrymouse -- This is most definitely your Uncle's decision but I think the idea of him Facetiming with his adoring mother or at the very least writing her a letter explaining why he swore the rest of the family to secrecy and why he has been loathe to tell her of his medical condition is owned to both the family and to her. She is going to be hurt and upset at the ill health of any of her children but she deserves to know his thoughts so she will not forever blame the rest of her family.

This is a tough position for all of you and I can only wish you peace on this difficult journey.

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Yes, don't let her be cheated out of this. It's something she can give to her son that give meaning to her whole life. Cry with her. Record the moment so you can share it with her later if she gets forgetful about it and you think it will help her to hear herself talking to him about it.

I recommend you begin giving your mom anti-inflammatories. She probably has her choice of OTC pain meds, like aspirin, advil and tylenol. If her liver is not damaged, out of all of the NSAID's (non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs) only one stops inflammation in the brain. l was able to remove my mother from 1/2 her aricept and all her lorazepam over time without any side effects. With AD, the brain and the body just can't keep up with repairing the damage in the brain and also fighting the inflammation that makes it all worse. If you stop the inflammation in the brain, then the body can focus on deal wih repairing the damage, and it will repair it. This of a lifeboat with a leak, and a cup to pour water out, and you never can stop the water and constantly have to empty the cup overboard. If you could just patch the hole, you could empty all the water out. Inflammation is the hole letting the AD water in. If you stop the inflammation, the brain can focus its resources on everything else. Don't believe the bullcrap. I KNOW. I was there. My field is Psychology and it worked for my own mother. It's unheard of to reduce aricept, nameda, lorazepam etc with an AD patient. I did it. Successfully. Some of you need to start doing that, too, and you will find if they refuse a pill you won't see as bad a reaction. Mama quit sundowning, roaming the house. Etc. Just take liquid acetaminophen, and the cup is 500 MG. Figure out how much is 2/3rds of that. About 340 MG. Divide that into two drinks and give it to them twice a day 12 hours apart, like 10 AM and 10 PM. Then start looking for them to start saying and doing things they used to do 5 years ago. Look for their negative behaviors to stop. My mom used to yell at me when I was in the bathroom to bring her water. She got to the point she would repeat it over and over 3 or 4 or 5 times. She wasn't mean, but she knew she had the right to drink water when she asked for it. But once I began her tylenol regimen, l swear to you all she did that again. After two weeks, I cut her Aricept and Lorazepman to 2/3rds the daily dose. Without ANY substitution of valium for lorazepam. This is unheard of. It's clear now that Harvard and many others are putting out research daily about the role of inflammation is a key factor in so many diseases and conditions, and I would say in all of them. You'll be thanking me for it.

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Yes, the Mother should see her son, and he needs to see her or at least feel her presence and hear her.

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Yes. Both the mom and the son have paid with their whole life of love to each other to have this moment together. Don't let it be devalued due to she might not remember anyway, or she might take it hard. She has seen a lot of death over the years. She handled it. That's in her DNA now.

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They’re right. Unless she has dementia, she should know and her son should just tell her he swore them to secrecy and they can FaceTime.

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The son is dying. This isn't a time to have this debate.
I believe Rich is very focused on his own experience and not seeing the bigger picture of others - of another's experience and family dynamics. We all do this here - this is how we share. It is a situation which brings up strong points of view. If the woman / mother wasn't 86 and living abroad, it might be a bit different.
IMPORTANT POINT . . .
Perhaps encouraging the mother to call her son and see how a phone conversation goes would be a good first step.

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A private Facetime call is the answer- yes it will be extremely difficult for both but EVERYONE will feel a sense of relief after that call!!!!!

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Yes, they need a virtual visit; and tell mom because to find out later and not been able to be in the loop until son dies could feel like a betrayal, a double loss, imho.

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My Brother took his life. I told my mother the day it happened. I did not tell my father. My father lived 2,00 miles away and had dementia. There was no way he would have been able to process the information properly. At the time, I was the only person he could remember. Everytime I spoke of my sister he thought I was talking about the dog! He would always say "yes, she was such a good dog!"
They are now both deceased and it is a mote point but in THIS situation I opted to not tell him since his memories and mind were already confused.

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Generally, it's how you bring it up. Many times I thought how can I say this or that, and it took a long time to figure out, but I didn't give up and cut her off. I found a way to do it. We weren't told how bad her AD is, also. But my mom would talk about family right up to the end, and if they were gone, I told her every time, but with compassion in my words and tone. You are right. If you give up, you won't find the path. A quitter never wins, and a winner never quits.

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Personally don't destroy her with the truth - pretend all is fine and blame distance, etc. on Covid - it would be too cruel and she does not need to know more at her age. Let her think he is o.k.

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I have to disagree. It will give her the opportunity to share her heart with her son and if they are two people of faith, they have the right to talk about seeing each other on the other side. Nursing homes do horrible things to dementia patients and they survive them. They starve them, hurt them, pinch them, slap them, many many things they should be arrested for. And they survive. This is about letting her love her son and he loving her. Your opinion is just a quick pat answer by someone with little experience at it.

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One thing an AD patient can have is compassion. I would recommend letting her know, but to do so gently. It's okay if she cries. That's a real expression of her love and part of socializing your mom especially something so monumental. You can discuss it with her first by bringing up the general topic slowly, and then tell her her son needs her. Record it when you do so you can play it back for her if she should forget who you are or think you didn't tell her. Using a recorder helped my mom so much. She would sing and I would sing and record with her. Stories from her past as well. Then when we had tough times, I would play her singing and she changed instantly. She heard us singing, so she wasn't scared and knew that was her. I would just tap a video and let it play sometimes, and we'd talk about it, laugh, sing with it, all that good stuff. Your mom may not remember all things, but she does love you and her youngest son. That's a MAJOR part of her life and her heart, so don't hold that back from her. If she can visit, take her to visit. Seeing the situation in real time and him talking to her how much he loves her will be a good thing. Do so with care and awareness of how she is doing. If your brother is not able to be seen by her because of distance or he's got COVID, then put everybody on speaker and make sure SHE is the #1 person on the call. Not any of the children. Just her and the one son. Everybody can talk, but she needs confirmation of who you all are, and she needs to be in control, and she needs to be respected because family respects their mom and if she's cut off or treated like a ward, she won't really know if this is her family, depending on where she is with AD. Each of you in her shoes would want to know about your youngest son dying. Use it to strengthen your family from your mother on down.

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I believe the writer is the granddaughter; she is speaking about her 86 year old grandmother living out of the country.
It is the writer's uncle, not her brother - Perhaps I am misreading - ?
What about honoring the wishes of the son?
I understand and appreciate you framing this with gentleness - how do you tell an 86 year old woman that her youngest son is dying in a gentle way?
I do appreciate you sharing your personal story.
Clearly, it is a tough situation to be in.
I am in a similar situation although it is a client/family. These are very personal decisions and I believe a lot depends on the emotional and psychological makeup of the 86 year old mother. Still, at 86, I wouldn't like to see her traveling internationally - during Covid and Delta.
Gena / Touch Matters

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I think she should go to see her son. It would be better if you and her visited him together though.

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With Covid. Ah. NO. She is 86.
The last memories of her son should be when he was healthy.
How could anyone expect a 86 year old woman to travel 'internationally' with Covid all over the world?

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He said NO....mind your business are you trying to kill her? A heart attack within 5min if she still understands if not leave it be. Make every excuse in the book she wont remember anyway...its called respect and compassion leave it alone w all due respect.

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Whoa. Slow down there Mommy nightmare -
This granddaughter is asking from a very vulnerable place within herself.
From what I read, at 86, there is no mention of the mental facility if his mother / or if dementia is present / serious.
Compassion goes a long way.

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I may have missed this in the other replies, but if there is worry about her having a heart attack, etc...contact either her (Pastor, Priest or whatever) or the head nurse at her Doctors office and let them either break the news to her or sit on it.

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I'll respond first and read others' responses second.
* I wouldn't say anything. When he passes, I'd tell her it was sudden and Covid related.
* I don't see any reason to tell her 'now' when he is very ill and dying. She can't do anything besides grieve more now.
* It is his decision and I would honor his desires.
* The bottom line is that this is a family decision.

PLEASE suggest to your uncle to allow someone to take a video of him sharing with his mom or write her a letter (that he dictates to someone to write) or 'do' whatever he can do now so his mom has good memories of him. Perhaps a letter to her sharing the happy memories he has with her - and encourage / invite her to remember 'the good times.' Give her this letter or video after he passes.
Depending on how he looks physically, a video may not be a good idea.
A letter on beautiful stationary would be lovely.
Someone can say 'they found this letter addressed to her' and send it. She doesn't need to know that anyone in the family 'arranged' this.

* Perhaps ask your uncle if he has a favorite piece of jewelry or a stone or something that he'd like his mom to have . . . something meaningful to him that could be sent to her upon his death.

My heart goes out to you, and your uncle, and his mom, your grandmother. It is a difficult situation no matter how it is decided on how to proceed.

Gena / Touch Matters

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Some of you say "his death, his decision".

OK, but dying doesn't give him the right to make everyone LIE for him, especially to his mother. I don't think "his death, his decision" extends to include making liars out of people.

If I were his mother, not knowing and not being able to say good bye to my child would break my heart. On top of that, being lied to by everyone is going to feel like the ultimate betrayal.

lamataher - if I were in your position, I would tell your dying uncle that I would not say anything to his mother, but if his mother asked me directly, I would not lie to her.

p.s. Just say, if he wasn't dying, instead he was coming to town but decided not to visit his mother. He asked everyone to tell her that he didn't or hasn't come. Should everyone honor his wish then?

p.p.s Just thought of a way to handle this. How about your uncle makes a video of him saying good bye to his mother and why he decides to not tell her while he's dying. At least, she will get to see him and hear him, and it lets everyone off the hook for lying to her.

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I think I would start breaking it to her - all of you need to discuss this as to how to present it to her so she doesn' find out she's been lied to for so long. My suggestion would be take it in steps: Son found out he is sick and not doing too well. Just a few days later, the news is not good. Etc.

It's very possible she will want to see him before he passes. That needs to be her decision. Don't let him pass and deny her the chance to say good bye to her baby -- if he can have visitors. Unless her mental status is off, she needs to have some say so in her goodbye.

I would be crushed to someday hear the whole story on this and I didn't have a chance to see my loved one.

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What happens when she finds out he has died (and she will) and she wasn’t able to be with him in his last days? That would be WAY more devastating than her knowing now and going to be with him. Being with him now is very important for both of them! Gives them both the opportunity to have a better and proper transition and to complete the circuit. To deny them both this sacred time would be beyond regrettable and something they will never be able to get back. She needs to be with him now!!!

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Dear lamataher, I want to first express how sorry I am to read about your uncle's health - sending prayers to you and your family for continued strength, guidance and peace during this time.
There are so many ways to consider this, and you provided a lot of important insight - and in all that you shared, you said that your uncle "never told his mom because she would be devastated let alone pressure him in so many ways." That sentence says everything - These are your uncle's wishes and he knows the situation best - and that should be honored. He and his mom obviously share a very loving relationship and that remains. At this truly difficult and stressful time for your uncle, he deserves to have peace of mind and the family kept intact. You said that "her daughters say they are scared she will be devastated - and that she is also currently experiencing anxiety and depression, etc." I see this as your family being mindful and understanding their dynamic, and they are trying to make decisions in the most compassionate and delicate way to ease a really heartbreaking situation and not cause more hardship during this time. I think your family knows best and your uncle does not deserve to have his wishes disregarded - and I do not feel that her ultimately knowing that he had been ill for the past year would be good for her in any way.
It sounds like you are part of a very loving and unified family and I'm sorry for the pain you are all experiencing - and I wish you peace.

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Is it right to tell an 86 year old that her son (60) is terminally ill?

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