I think it matters how close they are to you. At some point the kindness of friends and neighbors isn't enough. My moms support system was great, but the dementia reached a point that even in her small town it wasnt safe for her to drive. I Went down every 6wks or so to help sort the bill's, or take her to dr apt, , and called daily to help her understand mail. But I went on vacation and my sister went down after about 3 weeks and things had fallen apart. She had called neighbors in the middle of the night.
She lived 200 miles from me, and I couldn't imagine trying to manage caregivers long distance, and she doesnt realize the extent of her cognitive decline, so I don't think she would be receptive to them anyway.
I think parents are nearby, and the help they need is more mobility or med management, sure. You could come over to help maybe with showers and stock their fridge or bring over a meal. You could hire a caregiver to check in for a few hours, or to sit in the house overnight.
But bedbound, or more medical needs or dementia? Demanding job that doesn't allow for you to leave at a moment's notice? Uncoorperative with help. Then no.
Living in a retirement community in Independent Living means that you are FREE from the favors of friends, dependence on your adult children, expense, risks, and hassles of hired help, burden of managing cooking, cleaning, transportation with the diminished physical capacity that usually accompanies aging, and so much more. You can get back in charge of your own life. That's true independence.
Aging in place in your single family home is a very, very dependent lifestyle.
My mother is 89yo, in very good physical health, and her cognitive decline is only considered "age-related" meaning she does not have a dementia diagnosis, but does have considerable decline compared to 10, 5 even 1 year ago. Her short term memory is increasingly poor, but she has no personality changes that make her irritable, paranoid or delusional.
Six years ago, at my suggestion, my mom moved near me and lives in her own home 1 block away from where I live with my bf (he is fully invested and enjoys my mom and we do not have kids). We picked a house which met most future mobility needs, and modified things we needed: the biggest reno was removing a tub and put in a walk in shower. She gladly complies with a fall detection button, and multiple smart devices (video doorbell, Alexa, smart thermostat, and smart bulbs) to keep her safe, support her memory, and allow me to check on her remotely. When she was driving, I had a tracker on her phone to know when she left home and returned (like parents use for their teens).
I consider my mom to be successful living in her own home with support. She cooks for herself - if I keep her stocked with her familiar packaged foods, and does her own ADLs and laundry. I do everything else from taxes to scheduling hair and medical appointments, routine maintenance and cleaning of her home (I have a robotvac at her home and her cleaning lady comes only every few months these COVID days), and larger projects on her home and yard. Even her pet (her cat recently died and we got her a kitten that can be challengng) us under my care. I have a list I share with friends that has weekly, monthly, quarterly, semi annual and annual things I do for her. My mom is in decent health and my work is intense - I call her daily, it is a rare day that I do not visit her, I have not taken a vacation in 4 years.
In this time of COVID, my bf and I ensure we are socially isolated so I can be around her. I am her main social connection and I drive her around town at least once a week, we take walks around the neighborhood a few times a week, and my bf and I have family dinner 1-3 times a week with her. My mom is healthy, happy and safe and I truly enjoy being the person to support her. I suggested that she come to live near me because it was practical, but I did not expect to enjoy the work (yes, it is work) because my mom and I never got along when I was a kid or even as an adult - until now.
When she first moved near me I was working full time. Then, the transition was simply too much for me; I left my job and tightened my belt. As I restructured my life for her my professional goals changed, and I worked pt as a researcher in aging care which was a great work/life balance before COVID changed a lot of things.
My mom has healthy financial resources, but Assistend Living facilities are very expensive, and it would have been intense work to downsize her to a tiny apartment. My mom's cost of living is a faction of the cost of AL, even after she pays me for my work as her pt Geriatric Care Manager. But, it does take money for people to age in their home. My mom did not "age in her home" she moved near to me. We bought a recently renovated home with new appliances, HVAC, and insulated windows/doors. Then, we modified things to ensure she can live there safely for as long as possible. One thing I tell everyone to remember is, if your parents are living in the home you grew up in, everything may be old and you need to financially and physically plan for things like a new AC, a new roof. Be mindful that learning a new appliances when the old ones go out can be very challenging.
I am committed to keeping my mom safe, healthy and happy. I do a lot for her (A LOT), and will keep her in her home as long as I can with hired assistance and sleeping at her home when that need comes. But, if I cannot keep her safe, healthy and happy in her home, she and I know there is a continuum of care facility a few blocks away.
Fifteen years ago, we moved closer to my parents, since they were in their eighties at the time and we anticipated that they would need help eventually. Fast forward ten years, my Dad was going through cancer treatment at 90 y.o. and my Mom fell down the stairs in their home, landing in the hospital and then a Rehab facility, That evening, we moved my Dad into our home with all of his things. It became instantly 1000% easier to care for him in our home, and he was getting care 24x7. There were no more falls or emergencies. Mom remained in rehab for five more weeks, during which time my Dad passed away. He "knew" and was happy to be in our home with us and being taken care of. Mom came home from rehab a week later and moved in with us. We tackled the process of cleaning out their house over the next year, then painting, repairing and prepping the house for sale. The house was sold, and we brought Mom's favorite furniture pieces and bedroom and re-did our entire upstairs, making it 'her own'. That was 2017. Mom's incontinence issues which she hid for years became immediately apparent and we rallied to get her home health care assistance two days a week. She has been diagnosed with dementia, and has been on medication for two years for that. She has gotten progressively worse, but nothing we haven't been able to deal with effectively. I promised my parents years ago that I would never put them in 'a facility' as long as I was able to care for them, and I intend to keep my word. We have adjusted our life to care for my Mom, as much as it tries our patience some days, but I know she would not still be here had she been placed in assisted care or a nursing home. She is here with us, she has around the clock care and she is in her comfort zone, surrounded by her family and her granddogs, and very content, in spite of her decline in her quality of life due to her dementia. I try to give her all the things that comfort her, we spend time looking through family photo albums, doing small projects together and sitting outside when the weather permits. Yes, it is a sacrifice, but my parents always did so much for me, I feel this is the very least I can do. I treasure our time with my Mom, and am grateful for the time we are able to spend together. I know there will come a time when these days will no longer be possible due to her cognitive decline, so I embrace this time while I have it. While it can be frustrating some days, I remind myself that she is still my Mom, plagued with the horrible disease of dementia that confuses her as well, and has her reaching out to me for help. She still has very lucid, super-aware days and then there are some days when she just has difficulty functioning. We try to focus on the good days and just comfort her as much as possible on the not-so-good days. This is part of life, and I consider it an honor to take care of my Mom every day. It is certainly not the easiest choice, but it is the only choice for me.
She lived 200 miles from me, and I couldn't imagine trying to manage caregivers long distance, and she doesnt realize the extent of her cognitive decline, so I don't think she would be receptive to them anyway.
I think parents are nearby, and the help they need is more mobility or med management, sure. You could come over to help maybe with showers and stock their fridge or bring over a meal. You could hire a caregiver to check in for a few hours, or to sit in the house overnight.
But bedbound, or more medical needs or dementia? Demanding job that doesn't allow for you to leave at a moment's notice? Uncoorperative with help. Then no.
Aging in place in your single family home is a very, very dependent lifestyle.
Very well put. This answer should be poster.
Six years ago, at my suggestion, my mom moved near me and lives in her own home 1 block away from where I live with my bf (he is fully invested and enjoys my mom and we do not have kids). We picked a house which met most future mobility needs, and modified things we needed: the biggest reno was removing a tub and put in a walk in shower. She gladly complies with a fall detection button, and multiple smart devices (video doorbell, Alexa, smart thermostat, and smart bulbs) to keep her safe, support her memory, and allow me to check on her remotely. When she was driving, I had a tracker on her phone to know when she left home and returned (like parents use for their teens).
I consider my mom to be successful living in her own home with support. She cooks for herself - if I keep her stocked with her familiar packaged foods, and does her own ADLs and laundry. I do everything else from taxes to scheduling hair and medical appointments, routine maintenance and cleaning of her home (I have a robotvac at her home and her cleaning lady comes only every few months these COVID days), and larger projects on her home and yard. Even her pet (her cat recently died and we got her a kitten that can be challengng) us under my care. I have a list I share with friends that has weekly, monthly, quarterly, semi annual and annual things I do for her. My mom is in decent health and my work is intense - I call her daily, it is a rare day that I do not visit her, I have not taken a vacation in 4 years.
In this time of COVID, my bf and I ensure we are socially isolated so I can be around her. I am her main social connection and I drive her around town at least once a week, we take walks around the neighborhood a few times a week, and my bf and I have family dinner 1-3 times a week with her. My mom is healthy, happy and safe and I truly enjoy being the person to support her. I suggested that she come to live near me because it was practical, but I did not expect to enjoy the work (yes, it is work) because my mom and I never got along when I was a kid or even as an adult - until now.
When she first moved near me I was working full time. Then, the transition was simply too much for me; I left my job and tightened my belt. As I restructured my life for her my professional goals changed, and I worked pt as a researcher in aging care which was a great work/life balance before COVID changed a lot of things.
My mom has healthy financial resources, but Assistend Living facilities are very expensive, and it would have been intense work to downsize her to a tiny apartment. My mom's cost of living is a faction of the cost of AL, even after she pays me for my work as her pt Geriatric Care Manager. But, it does take money for people to age in their home. My mom did not "age in her home" she moved near to me. We bought a recently renovated home with new appliances, HVAC, and insulated windows/doors. Then, we modified things to ensure she can live there safely for as long as possible. One thing I tell everyone to remember is, if your parents are living in the home you grew up in, everything may be old and you need to financially and physically plan for things like a new AC, a new roof. Be mindful that learning a new appliances when the old ones go out can be very challenging.
I am committed to keeping my mom safe, healthy and happy. I do a lot for her (A LOT), and will keep her in her home as long as I can with hired assistance and sleeping at her home when that need comes. But, if I cannot keep her safe, healthy and happy in her home, she and I know there is a continuum of care facility a few blocks away.