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My 91 year old mom's dementia is getting worse. She has delusions, incontinence, and is increasingly confused. Living in her home has become impossible since it is in an extremely dangerous neighborhood, and is basically falling apart because she is no longer mentally, physically, or financially able to maintain it. As her only child and POA, I've explored having her move:
- In with my family, but all parties agree that it wouldn't work because we have very different habits and she is inflexible
- To Assisted Living but the cost is impossible
- To a Nursing Home but she would have to share a room and we KNOW that it would result in her physically threatening the roommate. (This actually happened when Mom was last hospitalized.)
With that said, there is a wonderful senior housing facility nearby that would provide mom with the privacy that she needs at a price she can afford. However, I am aware that even with my family's help, her needs will make living there unassisted problematic.
Has anyone else successfully kept their LO with dementia in senior housing? If so, what kind of accommodations did you use as far as having nurses aides come in or using adult day care.

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As someone who lives in an independent living facility, I can tell you it is unfair to residents to have dementia patients placed anyplace except where they are under constant supervision.
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Have you had her seen by a geriatric psychiatrist or behavioral neurologist to get her meds to address the delusions and combativeness? It sounds as though a short term stay in a geri psych facility might make her easier to handle and thus give you more housing options.

As it is, moving her, anywhere is likely to make her dementia and behavioral issues worse, at least short term. Do you think she would allow aides in? Would she cooperate with going to a program?

Addressing the issues that are causing placement problems is your best first step.
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If she attacked a hospital roommate is there concerns that she may attack an aide in her home where there are much more dangerous weapons that could becused?..also keep in mind if she is disruptive then it could result in immediate eviction so maybe a memory care facility would be safest with professionals who know how to deal with situations. Also was she seen by psychiatrist when she attacked hospital roommate and given medication to treat aggression?
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What Barb said about addressing the underlying problems first is definitely where you should start.

Your description of a woman with delusions, combativeness, confusion and an inability to care for her home are all signs that your mother is past the point of independent living. For her own safety, she needs to be in a place where she will receive the care she needs.

Might she qualify for Medicaid? You might want to meet with an elder attorney to explore financial and placement options.
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The short answer is no, senior housing is not a suitable option for your mother at this time.

My mother had lived in her senior apartment for more than 25 years when she developed mild cognitive impairment. We extended her ability to stay there by arranging for Meals on Wheels, laundry, cleaning, and a visiting nurse. But as the impairment progressed, we needed to find her more help. She moved in with one daughter. That lasted a year+. But dementia keeps progressing. She needed a nursing home. She did very well there for more than 2 years, dying at age 96.

I suggest that first you get her evaluated, ideally by a geriatric psychiatrist, and take any recommendations about medications, environment, etc.

Apply for Medicaid for her. An attorney specializing in Elder Law can assist with this.

Arrange for placement in an appropriate care center.

A person with dementia cannot safely live alone beyond the earliest stage, and even at that needs a lot of support.
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She probably could not live in a Senior Housing building unless she had help. At this point it might be just while she is awake but soon it if not now it will require help 24/7
Would the senior housing agreement permit someone to live with her if the caregiver is not a senior?
And at some point you will have to "graduate" from a caregiver to one more skilled like a CNA.
Hired privately a CNA can administer medications but if you hire through an agency any administration of medications would have to be done by a Nurse. So the expense will go up.
As far as threatening a roommate while she was hospitalized there is a possibility that the incident was brought on simply by being hospitalized. And she may be very different once in a more calm "residential" setting.
And at this point does she need a "nursing home" or would Memory Care be an option. Usually a nursing home is for people that require more medical care, intensive wound care, 2 or more person transfer, Hoyer lift use. These are things that Memory Care could not do.
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Most independent living communities require a doctor's statement about health conditions prior to one's admission. Dementia is often an excluding actor. Even if your mother were able to manage in such a facility, it's unlikely she's be admitted.
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Like suggested she needs an evaluation. A neurologist can do this too. Even if Mom's problems can be helped with medication, she still has Dementia probably and Senior housing is not a good fit. An AL probably isn't either. You may want to start looking for a nice NH. My Mom was cared for very well. In hindsight, I should have made that choice over an AL. Even though ALs take Dementia patients, they are limited in what they can do especially when the disease progresses. The advantages of a NH is they are fed, given meds on time, laundry is done. With Mom, she was cleaner than the AL. Residents were kept active.
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Senior housing is not appropriate for your mom. Neither is Independent Living or Assisted Living.
Your mother has dementia. It will only get worse. You said she has delusions, incontinence and confusion. That spells Memory Care.
Don't waste your time with the other options. She will wind up in MC eventually.

She needs an exam by a geriatric neurologist and precribed the correct medications.
Good luck- this is a hard road. Been there-done that-not easy. ☹️
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I just noticed that you thought your mother would have to share a room in a nursing home. Most nursing homes that are reasonably new have single-room and double-room options. A single room will cost more, but if she can afford it, that seems like it would be the way to go. And in a relatively new home, she would also have a private bathroom. Many nursing homes also have a good variety of activities for their residents, and residents, if they are physically able, eat in a dining room with other residents.
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