I'm really trying to keep my emotions in check and my expectations reasonable. It's hard when my mother consistently asks me do I need help with things and I tell her sure and she starts talking, reading the paper, looking through her magazines and etc. She's literally standing right next to me so I find it hard to believe she's not remembering. I get frustrated because she's always asking me to help and how she wants to make sure she's contributing. She goes to the mailbox but only when she has donation envelopes to put in. Other times when I ask her to grab it she's not feeling well. Jesus take the wheel!!!
The question is not why she can't do something. It's whether she can, or not.
E.g.
Can she be relied on to pick up the mail every day?
No, she can't. So don't expect her to. Don't *rely* on it. Ask her, by all means, but don't let it matter if you end up doing it yourself.
That way you save yourself the botheration of trying to figure out if she's being bone-idle or really can't remember to do it; and you also avoid trying to force her into more than she can handle, and resenting her the while.
If you believe (and I wouldn't argue at all) that it is important to her wellbeing that she stays involved in daily household routines, then break tasks down into simple steps and prompt her to carry them out. If she's able, great. If she isn't, leave it be.
Suppose, for example, you ask her to dry the dishes. And suppose she starts fine, but then puts down the cloth and wanders off round the kitchen, fiddling with things. That's annoying because it doesn't get the dishes dried, and there may not be any obvious reason why she can't carry on, but the fact is she can't sustain the focus on the task - a slightly different thing from not being able to "remember" what she's doing.
It isn't until little links in the chain fray and break that we come to realise just how complex our humdrum daily routines are.
https://www.verywellhealth.com/executive-functioning-alzheimers-98596
If you are making dinner and she asks, hand her potatoes and ask her to peel them. Or give her a stack of plates and ask her to set the table. If you are cleaning give her a dust rag and have her do the shelves, or hand her a broom or the vac and have her run that over the floor.
I have read that it can take 40 seconds for a person with dementia to process what was just said. 40 seconds does not sound like a long time bit it is, in 40 seconds I am past the first part of the conversation and onto a second or third.
If she has problems with the potatoes, setting the table, dusting don't let it frustrate you. Let her do what she can and forgive/forget the rest.
Life is short enough to let little things like this stress YOU out. The more stressed and up set you get the more she will.
As I read her explanation it reminded me of my Grandson and his ADD. When he was a kid you didn't give him tok many tasks at once. Even when medicated. Now he isn't medicated (because of epilepsy meds) and he is worse. I have had to learn to give him only one task at a time. Don't give him too much info. He gets overwhelmed. This is the samevwith someone suffering from a Dementia. They have a hard time processing what you are saying. So u have to keep it simple. If she asks u to do something and you feel it something she can do for herself, kindly tell her that. She wants a bottle of water. She really has forgotten where they are. "Mom, you can get one out of the frig" If she can dress herself but she forgets where her clothes are, lay them out for her. Have her do as much for herself as she can.
Not saying that is happening to your Mother but if early dementia is already diagnosed, there will be brain changes. Easy to cover up as her language is still good in a short Doctor appointment. More thorough testing will explain specific life areas she will have trouble with.
You can decide on further testing if you think it will be useful. There are great resources on Dementia if you like to study. One is a free online course offered by University of Tasmania. I really changed my expectations after completing that.
Sadly, skills will continue to be lost 🙁. Enjoy what you can together.
So the other day I see her with a notepad and she says she's writing a list of all the things that SHE needs to do to be helpful and it's a huge list. I'm curious, but I wait.
First thing, she comes in to say top on her list is to change her air filter. So then she asks me how to open it. What size filter it takes. Where do I get a new one.
I realized, in reality, the list is just more stuff for me to do. I sort of giggled when I realized it was brilliant on her part (if not unintentional).
She may intend to change the air filter. If she's done it before, SHE assumes she knows how. But when she actually starts to do it, she doesn't remember how! That is so typical of Alzheimer's. It's beyond frustrating (to her especially...maybe more than to you) If she hasn't done it before, she may think she can figure it out. She USED to be able to figure things out or, at least, follow instructions. True. But when it gets right down to it, Alzheimer's may make these processes impossible. Just following a step by step list of instructions can be overwhelming and confusing to a person with dementia. Even "Feeding the cats" seems simple enough, self-explanatory, but it is a process (find the dish, find the food, open the food, find a spoon...) none of which are difficult for a normal person who is used to doing it. But if the brain isn't processing properly, who knows?
Your mother making lists may indicate she realizes her memory isn't up to par. But her memory might need more help than even she realizes. Perhaps she should see a doctor.
Take this as a new normal. Try giving her a few, very few tasks she can help you with, do not expect her to help much. Again, with aging and dementia, she is really struggling.
See All Answers