Is it okay to wait until the move day to tell a parent w/ dementia that they are moving?

I agree. You may need ambulance transport. He is less likely to fight them; they will be reassuring with him. Mom will likely lead to his being more agitated and she may become so frightened by it all she is in danger health wise. She should not be present if that is possible during transport to ambulance. That will leave EMS able to tell him that they are taking him to her. She can go to the facility in another car.

So sorry. This won't be without angst. It is something you simply have to get through to get it over. There's no way around it.

It feels 'wrong' because you believe you are interacting / communicating with your father as he was mentally / cognitively before his brain started to change. When the brain changes, he will not be able to comprehend as he did before.

When you realize that his brain and functioning has changed, you will understand that the primary objective is to keep him as calm and even emotionally as possible. The way (or one way) you do it is to tell him he's going for a drive (,,, to where depends on what works best ... to visit a friend (his or yours)... to lunch ... to a museum ... to a garden.

Go to TEEPA SNOW's website and watch some of her videos. It will help you understand how to talk to your dad - for the best way for him.

It hurts. You have lost the dad you know.
Understanding that he is a different person inside (his brain, perhaps not his heart***) will help you feel 'better' knowing you are doing what supports him the most.

*** My client who has advanced dementia responds to me with a smile and emotionally 'moved' when I tell her I love her. I gave her a kiss on her hand today and she gets it. She knows she is loved. She talks 'giberish' - I never know what she is saying to me although I respond as if I do: "I understand ... I'll have to check into that... Once in a while she will actually respond to me. I say "Hi M" and she says Hi or something like that.

Telling your dad that you love him will matter and make a difference.
Learn to 'speak to him' without many words. Tone of voice, touches, smiles (you can learn all this on Teepa's website).

My heart goes out to you.

Gena / Touch Matters

I would get some short acting anti anxiety meds from his doc for the day of the move and I would hire an ambulette--non-emergency medical transport for the trip.

My usually cooperative mother tried to wrest the steering wheel from my husband in our car. Dementia makes people unpredictable and safety is paramount.

Do not tell him because both his brain is broken and it will not help your mother. There's also no point in upsetting him.

On the day of his move, I agree that your mother should go ahead and then he can be told that he's going to see her.

Our dementia counselor, whom my husband hired to help us with his dad, calls it "benevolent trickery."

It really depends on your father's personality and behaviours, there is no one size fits all. The tone of your post implies he is violent and mistrustful and likely to endlessly ruminate over the move, in that case I agree with not telling him. If, on the other hand, he is just lost and confused and the behaviours your mother "can't take any more" are related to that then you might be able to have a productive conversation with him about the need for the move, that can be affirming for everyone even if he doesn't remember later.

Why does it feel wrong to do what is in your father’s best interest given his brain is broken? That he can’t understand?

Why would you want to torture him so you can feel better about things?

MSAMS23,

You may feel as if you should tell your dad ahead of time but I don’t see the point of telling him early. If you tell him earlier, he will get upset. Then your mom will get upset too.

I would also ask about meds to help with anxiety. Reassure your mom that he will be properly cared for.

Allow an ambulance to transport him. If he does get upset with EMT workers, they will know how to handle it.

Transitional times are the worst! When the dust settles, you will see that you made the best decision.

Wishing you peace as you move forward in this difficult journey.

You feel that telling him “feels wrong”, but can you consider the fact that he no longer has the capacity to reason, and consider what he actually needs to be safe and cared for?

You “just know that his behavior is too much for” your mother. She too deserves peace and safety. You have been told by trained care givers who know your father that it is not in HER best interests for him to be told.

Sometimes the care of someone with dementia requires decision making that is not comfortable or pleasant for any of the people concerned, but yet absolutely necessary.

If you can access a mild, calming medication from one of your father’s doctors, it may help.

It will be very difficult for all of you, but the end goal must be to get him to the new facility, and leave him as quickly as possible in the care of those who will be caring for him.

Remember as you move forward, that you are all working towards doing the best you can. No one can ask more of you.

Don't tell him until you are literally moving him out. He isn't going to remember it being explained to him and God forbid he gets into a dementia loop about it and keeps repeating about it and your mother can't calm him down.

I was an in-home caregiver for many years and have seen every kind of dementia. It's never the right decision to tell someone something like they're moving or some other bad news. All it does is upset them then they don't remember why they're upset. This can often lead to setbacks for them that makes caregiving for them even harder.

I recall when an elderly dementia client of mine lost her husband of almost 60 years. I put a sign on the front door saying that she has dementia and if you're visiting to please not pay your respects or offer your condolences. All it will do is upset her and it will be like she's hearing it for the first time, everytime.
Well one friend with zero self-control who maybe saw these people once or twice a year, had to come in crying and offering her condolences.
My client got hysterical, crapped her pants, and lost the ability to feed herself for almost a month. The upset really set her back.
You could tell your father they're going on vacation. Or that the house needs renovation so they (your parents) are going to stay in a hotel while the work gets done. Tell him anything that will minimize the upset.
Just don't tell him in advance.

From experiencing this with my mother, who had advanced dementia and had to move to memory care, it is best to follow the advice of the experts. He won't remember, he'll feel anxiety for days in advance, instead of just during the move (and often for some time after the move). It will be hard on your father. All moves are hard for seniors, particularly those with dementia. But remember that it is for the best, both for your father, who will be getting the care he needs, and for your mother, who is a stressed-out caregiver for your father. He may want to "go home" for some time after the move. Be gentle about assuring him that he needs to be in a place where he can get the right kind of care. Good luck!