Some back history here. My dad recently passed away from heart issues so my aging mom moved in with my brother and his family in another state. It seemed like all was going good, but after three months she is returning back to my home state to live with my sister. Apparently there were issues with one of my brother's kids and his wife. My mom has really bad rheumatoid arthritis so is basically chair bound all day and can be very demanding and needy. I chatted with my sister today and she mentioned that we all need to help out. I immediately went on a small rant about the fact that I know I could never live with my mom under the same roof. So if helping out means we take turns having her live with us then I'm not able to do that. I love my mom and she loves me and I want to keep it that way. The problem is I feel guilty feeling that way.
A little back ground on me so people won't think I'm selfish and self centered. I was married almost 22 years. My wife died of bile duct cancer nine years ago. During her seven year battle of two surgeries, chemo, and radiation I took care of her religiously. I even quit working when her illness required I drive her to Seattle every day for her treatments. When she passed I had mental issues for over two years. Horrible anxiety and depression.
Fast forward to this year. My dad was having late stages of heart failure because of a heart attack he had years ago. for the last six months of his life I drove to his home and took him to all his appointments. Worked around his house, took care of mom's needs etc. I'm still caring for their place as mom decides what to do with it all.
So anyway, it's not that I'm a selfish person and don't want my mom living with me because I'm selfish. Geez my 22 year old son still lives with me and I'm still supporting him financially as he goes to college. I just know it would be a really bad idea to live under the same roof and take care of her. I know what I can tolerate, and I know my moms personality. I work in construction all day and to come home beat down and tired only to fulfill all moms needs and wishes she accumulated while I was gone would wear me out. Also, I'm an extremely private person that requires alone time every day to process things and be happy. I also suffer from OCD which would not be a good thing if mom was living here.
I just want to get her into a permanent place of her own where she can have her own space and maybe daily visits from a caregiver and her different kids. I will bend over backward to help my mom and my history of taking care of people proves that. I just can't shake the feeling in my stomach knowing I wouldn't want her to live with me.
Thanks for letting me vent.
I am the sister of the best brother in the entire world. I am 77 and he is 85. He is this year diagnosed with an probably early Lewy's Dementia, and a brain tumor that presses on his medulla. This has forced an entry into Assisted Living by a man who really is so very much more "with it" than most there.
The one thing I DO know in all of the many things I do NOT know about our uncertain future is that I am not capable of living with my brother and doing hands on care giving. It occurred to me for I would say a nanosecond. In that nanosecond I said "If you were any kind of a person you would now move to (his city) and get the condo next to his, and care for him the rest of your lives." Then that thought went poof and I re-entered reality. In truth I would not have been capable age 50 either. Or likely 40, 30, 20. As a matter of fact I find it difficult enough to live with my good partner, who is perfectly well both physically and mentally.
I spent my life as a nurse and I loved it. But 24 hour care giving was not something I could have done my best days on earth. Caring for family is MUCH more difficult than caring for patients. There is so much "stuff", so much "luggage" and such quickness to take offense, to disagree, to be free to melt down into childlike bickering.
So, in short, it isn't for me. I can apologize all I like for my inadequacies. It doesn't change them.
Were I in your position I would be perfectly capable of saying "I am uncertain of what you mean by 'We all need to help out', but I should warn you NOW that if it in any way means taking Mom into my home I am NOT CAPABLE OF DOING THAT, nor do I intend to try; I am all for having some family meetings as this goes along. But I will at this point in my life not be taking on more than I feel capable of. And to tell you the truth, sad and selfish it may sound, but I am capable now of very little. I am very sorry. I am sure you will want to sit in judgement of me, and I would invite you to do so and enjoy it. But what I am telling you is the simple fact, as straight forward as I am able, and with as much honesty. I might wish I were a Saint, but I am not. I am a flawed human being who has learned my limitations".
That would be me.
Now I give you pen and paper and I invite you to practice YOUR truth.
We need to start being honest about the fact that we are not super human fix-its. Welcome to the world of the horrifically flawed, minimally capable, limping along best as we can, wishing we were more.
Best of luck. Please update when you have time.
And please, don't spend a whole lot of wasted angst on those who wish to sit in judgement of you. You have earned more creds than I could ever even begin to IMAGINE, and you don't deserve that kind of pain.
I have come to realize that part of the problems with me living with caring for my mom is simply we are at to very different points in our lives and they do not mesh harmoniously at all. Plus the fact my mom is a narcissistic negative woman doesn’t help. Caring for her , I mean being her unappreciated slave keeps my own sanity teetering, nobody wants that.
DO NOT do it! Best of luck to you.
susan
I think you sell Mom’s place and use funds to get her into a living center that can help with daily needs. Right now she has bad arthritis and she will continue to worsen with other ailments as she continues to age. I tried to have my mother live with me...and found out I couldn’t and wouldn’t sacrifice my life, relationships, privacy, and time I have left on the planet to cater to her, when she chooses to not help herself. Oh year, and she set a fire in the kitchen and that was the day we had the CTJ meeting. You are NOT selfish. You are not a bad person. Take care of you.
What you can do is offer help to your sister to find the needed care situation for mom. Be very clear with her what you are willing to do.
So sorry that your mom is going back home. Does that mean she is living alone? Doesn't sound like a long term plan. Sounds like she needs to much help for that to really be an option.
I'm sure you are wiped out - this is not easy stuff to deal with. Takes a lot out of you.
Living with others is a challenge. My mom lives with me and hubby. She's not terribly needs but it is still hard. I am like you - need quiet and downtime, etc. She would love to chatter all day and I just not wired that way. Anyhow, best of luck and keep us posted!
I am in the middle of trying to decide what to do to improve things for us. Please look into other options. Parents living in your home adds so much stress. It really does.
My daughter is in her last year of college too. Your son takes priority. My daughter does not live at home. She’s an hour away. I hardly get to see her because I have to be available for mom.
Having your mom with you will leave you no privacy!
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/not-everyone-cut-out-to-be-a-caregiver-162192.htm
Thus, with my parents I decided I was suited for logistical stuff. And even that was overwhelming at times. But I was close to your Mom's age [I see from your profile she is 74], so I was senior trying to care for parents in their 90's. Pure exhaustion. Thank goodness we weren't under the same roof. My Mom wanted the temp in the house to be 80 something all year round. Chances are my parents would have outlived me just with that one issue if I had lived there :P
My Dad even asked for me to resign from my career. Say what? I not only needed that salary, but I needed the company offered health insurance [I wasn't 65 yet], plus the match 401(k) for my retirement, etc. Nope, I held firm on not leaving my job.
Problems included her mild cognitive issues, physical debilities, lack of space in my home for all her medical equipment, differences in routines and diet. I am neat and tidy, she is a clutterer wanting all her stuff visible. She has the tv on all day watching the news and old cowboy shows, I seldom turn it on. My home is small so there was no where to get away from her or the constant noise.
I was still working and was out of the house all day leaving her to sit alone 8-10 hrs a day. I was becoming her mother dealing with medications, laundry, cooking and cleaning, etc. .
I love my mom and she is sweet and not intentionally demanding but I know I do not have the patience to deal with her issues all day everyday. I have never had children but can imagine that the experience is similar, constantly having to watch over them and be worried.
My siblings are grateful to me that I took over this responsibility and will step in if asked. It was my intention to retire and enjoy a well earned rest that I have been working for for 50 years so I knew if her living with me became permanent I would be angry and resentful toward her.
So we found her a good Assisted Living place between my brother’s home and mine, we both visit weekly and take her on outings. I get to have quality time with her instead of being unhappy on a daily basis. She has made a few friends and is taking part in activities. It’s not perfect but let’s face it, she has had 92 years living on her own terms.
Good luck with finding a solution and don’t feel guilty about not wanting to take on the 24/7 responsibility of an elderly person. Not everyone is cut out to be that person.