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I currently take full time care of my 93 year old mother who has made it clear to me that I owe her now as she cared for me as a child. I'm only one person and am 68 myself with several major health issues. I've been doing this for what seems like an eternity but do have some support from my son who lives close by. Mom's sleep routine is irregular. She stays up until 3am and I have insomnia so I'm usually awake too. In the morning I feel that by letting her sleep I can have some free time for myself. Mom has remarked that she is now the daughter and I am the mother. My older brother and his family live 3 hours away and will not call or visit. They say they are too busy with their own lives. I have lost many years of work where I could have been saving for my own retirement but felt coerced and manipulated into this role. There are only 2 respite caregivers in my state that are affordable but they are both busy with other jobs. So letting mom sleep late is my only respite to care for myself. Thank you for letting me cent.

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EssieMarie,

You might ask your son to take care his grandma in his own home while you take care of yourself. It sounds like you are stretched to the max caring for your mom for so long. If your son declines, he has no right to condemn you for placing your mom in some kind of care facility. Your mom probably remembers the elder care options of years past and doesn't realize how nice some of the "homes" are now.

Bottom line: It's not fair or ethical for your son to emotionally blackmail you into compliance with his narrow view of care for your mom. Let him do it a year or two and see how he feels then! Your mental and physical well-being matter, too! And given how your son has sided with your mom, it seems no one's going to watch out for you but you! Wishing you the best!
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Reply to CantDance
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The only thing I want to caution you about is to make sure any medication she is on matches her sleep schedule so she isn't missing doses or taking them too close together.
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Reply to cwillie
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Your son would be upset if you got your mother professional care by 3 shifts of rested caregivers?

Is he in the medical field? Has he been a full time caregiver with no respite?

My dear, evaluate the opinions of others based on their level of expertise, not their degree of relation.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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I agree, let her sleep. You need that quiet time.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Your mom is a manipulative piece of work.

You don't owe her anything and for her to play this game is very warped and inappropriate.

If her sleeping late works well for you then by all means let her sleep.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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EssieMarie Feb 17, 2019
Thank you Isthisforreal! My mother is manipulative as I remember my father waiting on her constantly when she didn't feel well. I will take your advice! God bless!💜
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Okay, I'm going to step in here with my big mouth. I'm in my mid-sixties, the mother of 2 grown children. They don't "owe" me a thing. I made choices to have children. They never asked to be here. If anyone was "owed" anything, it was them. I planned for my children and gave birth to them. Consequently, their father and I owed them love, safety, security, guidance, a decent education, a warm bed, clothing, cleanliness, shelter and healthy food; all of which we provided as best we could. They love me. I love them. They are adults now and responsible for themselves. They appreciate what I did for them but they don't owe me a thing.

And yes, EssieMarie, let Mom sleep, especially if that arrangement provides "you" time. You need it!
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Reply to CantDance
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EssieMarie Feb 17, 2019
Dear Can't Dance, thank you so much for your kind response. I love both my son and mother dearly, but even my son takes my mother's side saying he would never forgive me if I placed her in a home. So I'm between a rock and a hard place? I think that's the saying. But I do suffer from depression and anxiety as well and find myself cring at times wishing my husband was still living. So thank you and I will continue to let her sleep so I can have time to think and try to regain my sense of identity. God bless you.
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Yes, it is ok. Let mom sleep, she obviously needs is. And you need time for you.

Personally, I would go nuts if my mom had stayed up until 3a.m.
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Reply to gladimhere
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EssieMarie Feb 17, 2019
Hi friend, thank you for sharing your thoughts. Were you in the same boat as me? Would love to hear some of your stories about caregiving. I'm sure I could relate! Thanks again.💙
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