I haven’t posted in a while.

I take care of my mother most of the time. I get some relief from a paid caregiver. Mom turned 95 in November. She has aphasia and is mostly in bed now, and eats very little.

My oldest brother (72 years old) who lives with her is the problem. He has major medical issues — epilepsy (since he was a baby), advanced pulmonary fibrosis, heart disease, leukemia. He is on oxygen all the time now. He can do very little for Mom. He does feed her when no one else is here. The good thing is that he is in the house with her at night. I wanted Mom to go into a nursing home several months ago because I had reached the end of my rope, but my brother refused. Without him agreeing, the nursing home said it would be very hard to do.

I do very little for my brother since he has blown up at me 4 times now (unwarranted) over the past year. The last time was last Sunday.

Mom was in her wheelchair in front of where he was sitting in the living room. All of a sudden, he reached over to Mom’s hand and pulled off a bump of keratosis and put it in his mouth. Mom had a hole in her hand. His long-time girlfriend was there and we just looked at each other as it was all registering. I asked him if he knew what he just did, but he couldn’t answer. I did tell him after it was over, but bottom line is that he didn’t know what he did, nor does he remember.

The next day, I asked him about calling the doctor about what happened (either he could or I could). I had to explain again what he did because he was thinking it was about losing his balance. He said No to the docotor. I said I thought he had a seizure. But, no matter what the cause, a doctor should know what happened. (I was nice and calm when speaking to him.)

Ten minutes later, he blew up and me, telling me that before I start accusing him, that I don’t know what I am talking about — trying to say he knows when he is about to have a seizure. He also said not to involve the doctors. It went downhill from there. I haven’t talked to him since. No one can reason with him. I don’t know if he was upset with me because of saying he had a seizure (he is so sensitive) or what he did to Mom. He didn’t even believe his girlfriend when she acknowledged that it happened.

I know it wasn’t intentional, but there has to be a medical reason. He kept trying to say it was lack of oxygen. But, the reason is really irrelevant at this point. He has had other issues over the past year where he can’t respond to me. He can’t tell the doctor if he doesn’t know what happened.

I did call his doctor the next day (I am on his HIPPA), just so someone was aware of it. I was told there wasn’t anything they could do, unless I brought him in for an appointment or took him to the ER. That is not going to happen since he is capable of making his own medical decisions right now.

Everyone in the family is on my side, but no one can talk to him because of how he reacts. (My middle brother was actually present when my older brother blew up, but he didn’t come to my defense. He had is own issues with our brother over the years. He later told me that no one should be talked to that way, and to let him know if he talks to me like that again. Yeah, like he will do something....) So I am on my own.

All I can think of is that I want this all to be over. As much as I am going to miss her, I just want Mom to pass and for her to take him with her.... I can’t do this anymore. Then I feel guilty.

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If you move mom you don't have to have contact with him. Then there is no backlash.

Just because he is ill is not free license to be ugly and hateful.

I am grossed out that he is eating your moms keratosis. I can't imagine what his girlfriend thinks about kissing him at this point.

It really sounds like a 3rd party is the best solution since your brother is holding everyone hostage with his vile temper. Perhaps APS could intervene so she can get the care she needs without his outbursts.

Best luck getting this dealt with, in the mean time take care of you.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Isthisrealyreal

Adult Protective Services
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to shad250

If the "backlash" from your brother (he'd throw a temper tantrum?) is more than you all can bear?

Then I guess you need to resign yourselves to allowing your mom to be cared for by him, and maybe eaten alive?

How about calling APS?
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn
Mapotter Feb 9, 2019
What is APS?

This brother has a very bad temper. He has shown that to me 4 times in the past year. I am surprised he hasn’t had a heart attack from it.
What rights does your brother have over saying where mom resides? Is he her guardian, co-POA with you?
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
Mapotter Feb 9, 2019
Mom has no POA for medical. All 5 of us would have to agree on placement of Mom in a nursing home (I have already checked into it). Also, if we even could, the backlash we would all face from him if we packed Mom up and moved her out of the house (where my brother lives) would be more than any of us could handle.
No, wanting it to end is OK. She is 95 and has lived her life. My daughter, RN, would say she's lived past her expiration date.

Is your brother her POA? If not, who? The person that holds the POA has a right to put Mom in a NH.

I think Mom needs Hospice at this point. Getting brother to agree is something else. Not sure APS can do anything unless caregiver has seen some unusual things. But then, she doesn't't want to lose her job.

With your brothers health problems, I don't see him living a lot longer.
My grandson had his first epileptic seizure at 19. He is now 25. He has them and doesn't remember them. Doctor says he may not remember the day before or what happens the day after.

I pray that your Mom has a peaceful passing. I also hope, that you do not become your brothers caregiver. He seems to want things his way and this you will never win. I would not have POA or guardianship over him. If he goes to the hospital make sure they know there is no one who can care for him. Its up to them to make sure there is a safe discharge.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to JoAnn29
Mapotter Feb 9, 2019
Thank you for your reply.

It does sound to me to be more of seizure than lack of oxygen for those few minutes. I documented something last April where he couldn’t reply to a question I asked. Then, he started picking things up off the end table and putting them down.

Mom has been in an in-home hospice program (for over a year now). The aide comes 5 days per week to bathe. That has been a big help.

I usually spend the night at Mom’s on Saturdays so that my brother can go to his girlfriend’s. I told him that I wasn’t staying tonight.

I have been thinking for the past year that he won’t be with us much longer. I have also thought he same about Mom....

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