My wife has a dementia and has lived in a Memory Care unit for over four years. I visit her four or five days a week. I live by myself, but would like to have someone to talk to, spend time with. Is this reasonable? Make sense?
We’re here for caregiving support and by living it, understand it’s very demanding and far too often, lonely. Although there are many similar concerns, the nuances that come when caregiving a spouse are different from caregiving a parent or grandparent.
I understand your loneliness. It’s clear you love your wife and have already mourn the loss of her in your life for some time. Your heart is starving inside and it’s only human. I gently suggest discretion as you find some comfort with her. Hugs to you. It’s a long, lonely road.
If you are looking for permission ... that is for no one to give. YOU make decisions based what you want to do. YOU are the one that has to live with whatever decision you make. If all you want to do is have someone to talk to there are plenty of ways to talk to people, to spend time with people. But if you are asking for permission or approval to have a sexual relationship with someone that is for you and you alone to decide.
I don’t think anyone else can answer this question but you.
Life is full of mystery. No one can predict the future.
Clearly, you had hoped to spend your life with your wife. I’m so sorry that she has Alzheimer’s disease and that you are lonely.
Are you looking for friendship or a future relationship? Consider different scenarios before entering a relationship.
What if you are only looking for a casual acquaintance but the woman develops feelings for you? Or what if you develop feelings for her? Do you want to be faced with this situation?
If you do start a friendship with someone I feel it would be best to be upfront about everything from the beginning.
With BlueEyes story he wasn't looking, it just happened. This disease is so horrible and your wife is so young. This question has been asked before mostly by men. There were mixed answers then too. I personally can't tell u what I would do. Don't think I would go on a dating app. I think it would be more like I fell into it like BlueEyes friend.
IMO your wife is gone. Its just a body now. Its really what you can live with. Those vows were written by Thomas Cranmer and are in the book of Common Prayer. Not written by God, not by Christ by a man. Four years is a long time not to have companionship of somekind. I think if you do this, I would be discreet.
I think this is a VERY personal decision. I have an acquaintance who went through the same situation a few years ago. He loved his wife dearly - he never stopped.
When she was diagnosed with ALZ, he kept her home for as long as humanly possible and then some. She physically attacked him a few times because she forgot who he was. It was then that he finally knew that he would have to consider other options for her care and found a memory care facility and moved her. It was probably the most difficult decision he had ever made and he agonized over it.
She was there for several years if I remember correctly - and he visited religiously. I can remember him posting pictures of the two of them on good days. But you could tell that it was taking a toll on him. She was making friends in the memory care. And she didn't always know who he was.
He was continuing his life outside of visiting her, working, taking care of their home, their pets. They were each other's second marriages, he didn't have any children, they didn't have any children together, she had adult children.
They had a mutual friends that they had spent time with - a group of them - that continued to try to engage him and pull him out of his shell. He admitted it was hard at first. But they persisted. And he started spending time with them little by little. And he began to get closer to one of them, a widow.
He absolutely was not looking for anything at all, except friendship with a group of people. What happened, it happened over time. As his wife was growing further and further away from him, his friendship with this woman was growing as well.
I can remember my own thoughts when he first talked about the fact that they were dating. I had mixed emotions even though it was literally none of my business. He was married and for me it was very black and white. But then I started paying attention to my own mom. She had been caregiving for my dad for a long time. My dad was mentally competent until the day he died. And my mother was always faithful. But she was so lonely even with my dad in the house - because he was so mentally and emotionally checked out due to his illness. And it broke my heart. And I wondered how I would have felt if she had wanted companionship and found it - how would I have felt? That point is moot, because it didn't happen - but it did make me rethink the other situation.
Fast forward, his wife deteriorated and passed away. When I tell you that he was heartbroken, I mean it. He loved her with all of his heart. He truly did. No one ever doubted that. The ALZ took her away from him. He continued to visit her regularly until the day she died. She didn't know who he was more often than not. And he continued to date this woman.
They have been married now for a couple of years. She helped him through a very dark time. She brought him joy when he would have otherwise been very broken. Because he had already been grieving the loss of his wife for a long time. And then he had to do it again at the end. And the woman he married after she passed was able to walk with him through that.
That's why I say it is very personal. I'm not suggesting someone jump on Tinder or Silver Singles apps to fool around. And I'm not saying that this is ok all around. I'm simply saying that I don't think it is as cut and dried as I once did. Yes, I 1000% believe in my marriage vows. They are sacred to me. And I hope and pray I never find myself in his shoes. Because people judged a very lonely man, myself included, until I stepped back and really understood that it started out as a friendship and grew over a long time. It wasn't a fly by night one night stand. He didn't go searching for it. It just found him at a time when his wife for all intents and purposes was already gone - and he continued to take care of HER for the rest of her life. And loved her.
Yes, it makes sense. And yes it is reasonable. I would change the word "date" to the word "friendship" and ask the question "Is it OK for a caregiver to have women friends". In this current day and age many young people have a LOT of friends of the opposite sex who they see for meals, to go dancing, and etc. Often these are not "friends" in the intimacy sense of sexual relationships, but close friends in a supportive way. You would, of necessity, let any women friends know that your wife is in care. Your wife is likely not currently the woman you married if she is in Memory Care. That you respect and care for her is lovely, that you visit her and care for her is honorable. But in truth, she is no longer your wife in the sense she was when she was "herself" and not suffering from dementia. That's my opinion, and it is what I would want my partner to do for himself and for his own happiness were I in your wife's position.
Why not extend your social circle to include more friends both male and female? It’s certainly okay to have platonic woman friends, and there are plenty who don’t want a romance, just a man’s viewpoint and a person to talk to once in a while.
Sandra Day o Connor went to her husbands mc and found him holding hands with another woman. If you saw your wife doing the same, could you accept it?
If not, then don’t go looking for other relationships.
If so, that would be an indication that you and she, to the extent she is able, are both at a stage in life where dalliances don’t have the same weight anymore.
Join a men's group at your church or elsewhere, or go to your local senior center to interact with other men who may be in your same situation. Or better yet, get out there and volunteer at a place of your choice. That will keep you busy and true to your wedding vows. I'm guessing that your wedding vows said something like..."in sickness and health, till death do us part" and not "until one of you ends up in a facility and the other is lonely" right? Life doesn't always turn out the way we want it to, this I know all too well, but I believe it's important to be people of our word, and to take our vows before God very seriously. This(to me)speaks of our true character. God will help you through the tough days and will bless you for your faithfulness to not only your wife but to your wedding vows as well.
It's up to you, but if you have adult children together with her be prepared for their possible (and probable) negative reactions to any new "girlfriend".
Makes perfect sense to me. If my husband was in your situation, I would want him to seek happiness else where. I would not want him to live a lonely sad life till he dies. What's the point of that?
All comes down to your own personal morals. I’d argue the person you made your wedding vows to is effectively dead (since she’s so far gone she’s in MC), so seek happiness elsewhere.
that is for no one to give.
YOU make decisions based what you want to do.
YOU are the one that has to live with whatever decision you make.
If all you want to do is have someone to talk to there are plenty of ways to talk to people, to spend time with people.
But if you are asking for permission or approval to have a sexual relationship with someone that is for you and you alone to decide.
Life is full of mystery. No one can predict the future.
Clearly, you had hoped to spend your life with your wife. I’m so sorry that she has Alzheimer’s disease and that you are lonely.
Are you looking for friendship or a future relationship? Consider different scenarios before entering a relationship.
What if you are only looking for a casual acquaintance but the woman develops feelings for you? Or what if you develop feelings for her? Do you want to be faced with this situation?
If you do start a friendship with someone I feel it would be best to be upfront about everything from the beginning.
Best wishes to you.
IMO your wife is gone. Its just a body now. Its really what you can live with. Those vows were written by Thomas Cranmer and are in the book of Common Prayer. Not written by God, not by Christ by a man. Four years is a long time not to have companionship of somekind. I think if you do this, I would be discreet.
When she was diagnosed with ALZ, he kept her home for as long as humanly possible and then some. She physically attacked him a few times because she forgot who he was. It was then that he finally knew that he would have to consider other options for her care and found a memory care facility and moved her. It was probably the most difficult decision he had ever made and he agonized over it.
She was there for several years if I remember correctly - and he visited religiously. I can remember him posting pictures of the two of them on good days. But you could tell that it was taking a toll on him. She was making friends in the memory care. And she didn't always know who he was.
He was continuing his life outside of visiting her, working, taking care of their home, their pets. They were each other's second marriages, he didn't have any children, they didn't have any children together, she had adult children.
They had a mutual friends that they had spent time with - a group of them - that continued to try to engage him and pull him out of his shell. He admitted it was hard at first. But they persisted. And he started spending time with them little by little. And he began to get closer to one of them, a widow.
He absolutely was not looking for anything at all, except friendship with a group of people. What happened, it happened over time. As his wife was growing further and further away from him, his friendship with this woman was growing as well.
I can remember my own thoughts when he first talked about the fact that they were dating. I had mixed emotions even though it was literally none of my business. He was married and for me it was very black and white. But then I started paying attention to my own mom. She had been caregiving for my dad for a long time. My dad was mentally competent until the day he died. And my mother was always faithful. But she was so lonely even with my dad in the house - because he was so mentally and emotionally checked out due to his illness. And it broke my heart. And I wondered how I would have felt if she had wanted companionship and found it - how would I have felt? That point is moot, because it didn't happen - but it did make me rethink the other situation.
Fast forward, his wife deteriorated and passed away. When I tell you that he was heartbroken, I mean it. He loved her with all of his heart. He truly did. No one ever doubted that. The ALZ took her away from him. He continued to visit her regularly until the day she died. She didn't know who he was more often than not. And he continued to date this woman.
They have been married now for a couple of years. She helped him through a very dark time. She brought him joy when he would have otherwise been very broken. Because he had already been grieving the loss of his wife for a long time. And then he had to do it again at the end. And the woman he married after she passed was able to walk with him through that.
That's why I say it is very personal. I'm not suggesting someone jump on Tinder or Silver Singles apps to fool around. And I'm not saying that this is ok all around. I'm simply saying that I don't think it is as cut and dried as I once did. Yes, I 1000% believe in my marriage vows. They are sacred to me. And I hope and pray I never find myself in his shoes. Because people judged a very lonely man, myself included, until I stepped back and really understood that it started out as a friendship and grew over a long time. It wasn't a fly by night one night stand. He didn't go searching for it. It just found him at a time when his wife for all intents and purposes was already gone - and he continued to take care of HER for the rest of her life. And loved her.
You would, of necessity, let any women friends know that your wife is in care. Your wife is likely not currently the woman you married if she is in Memory Care. That you respect and care for her is lovely, that you visit her and care for her is honorable. But in truth, she is no longer your wife in the sense she was when she was "herself" and not suffering from dementia.
That's my opinion, and it is what I would want my partner to do for himself and for his own happiness were I in your wife's position.
If not, then don’t go looking for other relationships.
If so, that would be an indication that you and she, to the extent she is able, are both at a stage in life where dalliances don’t have the same weight anymore.
Or better yet, get out there and volunteer at a place of your choice. That will keep you busy and true to your wedding vows.
I'm guessing that your wedding vows said something like..."in sickness and health, till death do us part" and not "until one of you ends up in a facility and the other is lonely" right?
Life doesn't always turn out the way we want it to, this I know all too well, but I believe it's important to be people of our word, and to take our vows before God very seriously. This(to me)speaks of our true character.
God will help you through the tough days and will bless you for your faithfulness to not only your wife but to your wedding vows as well.