Follow
Share

My problems are my husband and I want to move next year. We’re retiring and we’re moving where my daughter lives near the ocean. I will help with her but she needs to move to the same city but cost of living is a little higher. Living in the same house would make us both crazy so she needs a house or an apartment. She gets extremely stressed over little things so this will be major. What if she says no? If she says yes, she wants exactly what she wants when she wants it no matter how unreasonable it is. Example: building an 800 sq ft house in my yard. She’s incredibly stubborn and no patience at all and often tells me what I think and how I feel regardless of what I say. I feel awful but it’s not a good idea to live in the same house and that’s not her preference but she thinks if she pays for it, she can add to my house or build one and I don’t want to be stuck with either and seriously doubt zoning would allow it. As she ages, she’s become rather critical, has absolutely no patience, everything has to be done that minute, gets very anxious over the simplest of things, she won’t listen to advice much at all, rarely goes to doctor and is the most stubborn person in the entire world! Is this common? She doesn’t have dementia. I just can’t deal with it every day.


I can’t imagine telling her she can’t live with me either and what if the only other option is to stay where I’m at. Do I give up what we want to stay here with her? She has no one here except my brother and she’d never let him do as much as me and it’s always been me. He wouldn’t want to either. I Hate having negative thoughts about her!! I love her but she is so difficult at times. I certainly don’t want her to die but I can’t help but think if she doesn’t have a lot longer maybe we should stay until that happens because it would be so much easier to move without moving her too. But I feel like I’m wishing that and I’m not and I have no way of knowing it’s just the fact that it would be easier without having to find a home for her and sell hers here as well as for us. I could go on and on. I could never just leave her though!

Find Care & Housing
You and your husband have worked hard all these years, and if it's your plan to retire near your daughter near the beach, then so be it. You should not have to put your plans on hold for anyone, including mom. It sounds like your mom is still pretty mentally sound, so if she decides to stay behind, then let her. And let your brother(the one who lives near) and mom figure things out between them. I'm sure if given a chance, he would do just fine by her. And if she decides to go with you, then just make sure she has her own place(that she pays for), so you and your husband can enjoy the retirement you both deserve.

Don't let mom rule over your happiness. You will most certainly live to regret that. You should go ahead with your plans to move, and let the rest of the chips, fall where they may. Best wishes.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to funkygrandma59
Report

Everyone is entitled to their own life journey.

A social worker told me that.

🏖️🦈🍹
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to Beatty
Report
kikidp3 Nov 22, 2020
Are they?
(1)
Report
Move! Move! Move! Your mother has lived her life. Now its your turn. Especially if she dosen't have dementia. Your time should be with YOUR daughter. I would tell her your plans and say would you like me to help you find your own place here or where we are moving to?
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to SoVeryExhausted
Report
kikidp3 Nov 22, 2020
I did not mean to hit the “Helpful Answer” button. That was not, for me, a helpful answer.
(1)
Report
I read your post and I see so many similarities between us.

I am the only girl. I was expected to do it all. My dad and brothers were spoiled by mom. She never spoiled me but I consider that a favor to me because I learned to be independent and a hard worker.

My mom is very old fashioned and a bit of a perfectionist. She wanted everything her way instead of compromising or respecting my wishes.

I did everything for mom. She lived with me. It nearly destroyed my relationship with her.

Long story short, I burned out. Now she is under hospice care at my brother’s home.

Please do not repeat my mistake. I sacrificed my entire life for my mom. I regret it.

There were extenuating circumstances for me and in the beginning it wasn’t too bad but things change.

I didn’t fully understand certain issues that I would be facing with mom.

I honestly don’t think anyone is fully prepared when they assume responsibility for a parent living in their home.

I urge you to go live wherever you wish. Please don’t feel guilty about living your life the way you desire.

I feel that you are being very kind to invite her to go along with you with certain provisions such as separate living quarters which is smart!

She can accept this offer or decline. It’s her decision and you will have to abide by it.

Wishing you all the best in your move to be near your daughter. Enjoy being near the ocean!
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
Report
kikidp3 Nov 22, 2020
Please don’t regret taking care of your mom. You’ll be rewarded, either on this side of heaven or on the other side. I lost my beloved husband after 45 years of marriage to cancer and had to move in with my mom who was 93 at that time. She’s now 95 and relatively healthy albeit some cognitive memory loss and control issues. Thing is she could live many more years. It’s much tougher than caring for my sweet husband. Plus I take out a lot of pent up anger on her, much of which she does not deserve. I’ve reconciled this matter by believing I’m living God’s plan, not mine. But, I also believe there’s a special reason we are designated to care for the parent we ran away from in the first place... I have no idea what that reason is though. Maybe as a second chance to fix the problems we had with them.
So, you did what you were purposed to do. I’m hoping you can do all you want to do going forward knowing you took care of your Mom, and never feel guilty about not caring for her. You did the right thing. Being selfless and putting others before yourself is always a good thing. Only those extraordinary people can do that.
To those out there who do not want to take care of Mom or want to move away and leave her alone, I say rethink it... what goes around comes around.
(1)
Report
You’re not responsible for your mother’s happiness. It sounds like she’s unhappy and guess what? That’s not going to change even if you were to let her move in with you. So what’s best for you. She’s lived a long life. You & your husband are in your golden year’s. Move closer to your daughter. Offer to help your mom find & move in to an independent living facility or senior housing. But other than, she’s an adult. If she wants to stay where she is, so be it. Just don’t let her convince her that anything will be different if she lives in with you or on to your property.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to worriedinCali
Report

Make your move. Concentrate on yourself. If your mother wishes to move, then assist her. If your assistance prove to be of no value to her, step away and let her handle her own life. You are responsible to make a decent life for yourself. Your mother is responsible for her own life, her own decisions. She is a grownup. Please treat her as such. Read the book Boundaries.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report

Do not let your mother dictate your future plans. Start telling your mom now that you plan on moving. She isn't alone like you stated. Your brother is there. Just because she prefers you should not factor into anything. I wouldn't even suggest she moves with you...let her bring that subject up. If and when she does, make it very clear she will need to find her own place. Living with you is not an option...even for a short time.

Adults get to live their own lives. This means they no longer take direction from a parent. So many people on this board have made bad life choices because they were trying to please a parent instead of living their own lives. This does not mean abandoning a parent. If she wants to move near you of course you will assist in finding a place for her (that is not under your roof).
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to lkdrymom
Report

I would say, yes, absolutely follow through with the plans you and your husband have planned....your mom can stay where she is at, or get an apartment near where you are...you are not responsible for your mother’s (or anyone else’s) happiness....we each are responsible for our own. You and your spouse have worked hard for this, so go and enjoy your retirement close to your daughter.....
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to cherokeegrrl54
Report
kikidp3 Nov 22, 2020
Could you really be happy leaving behind a 90 year old to fend for herself? She’s an adult, yes, but a weaker adult. Sometimes helping others, especially parents, is what we’re called to do. Guilt is an awful thing to live with the rest of your life.
(1)
Report
See 2 more replies
In the nicest possible way :) - stop going on and on! Because you're going round in circles trying to predict your mother's decision.

I thought she would have to move if you did... until I got to the bit about your brother living in the same city where she is now. So she *would* have family nearby. If she doesn't want to leave her familiar places, she does have the option to stay.

Then there's the bit on your profile about how fond your mother is of your daughter, the same one you're moving to be near? So perhaps she would prefer the option to move to that area.

If the latter is so, then what you need to do is research continuing care facilities there, and maybe ask your daughter to ask around locally. Your mother's 90, I think you mention, and if she doesn't need full support now she soon will. Having a team to help her and everything ready for her on arrival would make the move much less difficult for her.

But the key thing is: you and your husband make your decision. Your mother makes her decision.

You can help her by research and project management, but she must choose from those options which are in fact available. Not, e.g., the fantasy option that she says jump and you build an extension on your new house!
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Countrymouse
Report

Imho, don't put your plans off. My husband and I did this - putting off plans because "what if mother gets sick?" Never did do what we planned, mother's dead and now we're too old to do what we planned.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Llamalover47
Report

See All Answers
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter