Follow
Share

My mother is 68 and has lived with my husband and I for almost five years now. When she first moved in, we were dealing with TIA strokes every few months, she needed carotid artery surgery, she had some kind of seizure and was passing out from low blood pressure. I made sure I took care of her and got her health in order. I got her to quit smoking and start exercising; she hasn't had a stroke in three years or any passing out spells in over a year at least.


I do not ask much of her around the house, just to do the dishes (which may get done every other day) and she feeds our dogs once a day. She pays us $210/month for rent to help out with expenses, which does not really go far. I take her to all of her doctors appointments, grocery store, pharmacy and the YMCA three times a week. I usually cook for her, although she goes behind me and makes something else.


I have a 19 month old daughter, who I stay home with and was breastfed so nobody else has had to give her a bottle. I do pretty much everything for her, except for times she wants to go play in her room upstairs so my mom will go in there with her. I ask my mom every so often to help me get a meal ready for her or play with her while I cook dinner. I change 95% of her diapers and will not ask her to do it.


When I have asked my mother to watch her, so I can have a date night with my husband or we wanted to go to a football game I am met with contempt and anger. I am constantly being told that I am putting her out or I am ungrateful and take advantage of her. Is it wrong to ask her to watch her granddaughter every so often? I am constantly doing stuff for everyone else that I think taking care of my husband and I's relationship should be important. Am I wrong? Should I hire a babysitter?

Find Care & Housing
You got your mother over a health crisis - kudos! But now she is recovered and it is time to rethink your living arrangements. Unless I'm missing something there is no reason your mother could not live another 20 years, it is time for her to move on with her life as a retired senior and for you to restart your life as a wife and mother.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to cwillie
Report

Yes you should hire a babysitter. Bottom line: you don't want your baby daughter being minded by somebody who resents doing it.

The rest of it is a different subject. If you feel that the give-and-take between your mother and your family has got out of balance, address that separately. What are the possible alternatives?
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Countrymouse
Report

You don't really want someone that has that hateful attitude about it to care for a child to young to tell you what is going on.

Mom is better now, she is taking advantage and accusing you of her very actions. Time for her to enjoy her new health and get out of your home so that you can have a life with your family. She can come visit or you can go visit her. But she needs to go.

Good thing for her that you didn't feel the same way when she was having medical crisis'. She would probably not be alive.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Isthisrealyreal
Report
Riverdale Feb 12, 2020
Yes I agree with you. I can't imagine leaving the care of a young child with someone who resents doing it no matter how capable that person might be.
(2)
Report
If she doesn't want to do it, yes hire a babysitter. You and Hubby need time together.
Like others said, maybe she can look into an Independent Living community, so you can focus on spouse and daughter. And still keep in touch with mom.

-All the best
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Lvnsm1826
Report

Wow.   What an ingrate.  I would never want anyone watching my kid with that typie of attitude.   YOU are not the ingrate.   You need to get her into assisted living so you can concentrate on your kids.  Do you have any siblings?
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to FloridaDD
Report
Isthisrealyreal Feb 12, 2020
It doesn't sound like mom needs any assistance, she obviously enjoys having a personal servant but, that is a far cry from needing AL.

She sounds perfectly fine to move to a 55+ community or senior low income housing. This will speed the exit process up, no fight about needing a facility.
(2)
Report
Good morning,

Bless you for helping your mother over her health crisis. It is unclear if she still suffers from poor health. You say you drive her everywhere. Why is that? I imagine that at 63 in very poor health when she moved in with you, your mother and you felt as if she was old, but she is not. Now at 68 she is living as a dependent in your home as if she were 20 years older. Your mother is very young to have become so dependent on you. I suspect that is where some of the resentment comes from in taking care of your daughter while you go out. She may feel that it is her right to go out with you or that she wishes she could get out for a fun night also.

I agree with the other posters that I would not leave your daughter with her feeling the way she does. Is it right? No way! Does she not love her? Enjoy being with her? How is she with your daughter when you are there?

Now that she is healthy, I think you and your mother need to rewrite the dynamics of your relationship, including whether she needs to live with you. Your mother might, initially, be against living on her own but might be happier being more independent and self-sufficient. You say that your world is taking care of your mother, child and husband. Nothing wrong with that, unless you leave yourself out of the equation.

To answer your original question, “Is it wrong to ask senior mom to watch granddaughter?”, Of course not, but the fact that your mother feels resentment doing so on the rare occasion that you ask her means that something has gone awry in your relationship which needs to be addressed.
At 68, and in recovered health, your mother should be much more independent, and have more responsibility in the house and for herself. If her license has lapsed, could she renew it? She is still young and could have many productive years ahead of her.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Treeartist
Report

I would be concerned that she was not seeing the great deal she has and that her perception of what is fair is so skewed. What is causing that? Has she always been that way? Did she suffer some cognitive decline after the strokes? Also, maybe she has worry over her ability to provide child care and she explains it away by being angry, because she is afraid or embarrassed. I'd consider all potential causes, but, I would not leave the child with any person who was angry or disinterested in providing the care. The risks are too great.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Sunnygirl1
Report

I think that first of all you should be charging more than $210.00 a month. If there are 3 people in your household, not going to include an infant in this, your mom should be paying 1/3 of the expenses. All expenses. Gas, Electric, cable, garbage, water, mortgage.....
If she balks at this then maybe you and she should start a search for Assisted Living or Independent Living for her. Sounds like her medical issues have resolved and she should do well in an active adult community.
With the increase in her rent you can afford to hire a babysitter and be able to go out at least 1 time a month.
I would not want anyone watching my child or grandchild that did not want to watch them.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Grandma1954
Report

Whattodo1234, I do not think you are being at all unreasonable to ask your mother to babysit so you can have a date night with your husband; however, with her attitude, I would not want her taking care of your daughter. Your mother may have some vascular dementia from the TIAs and strokes which is effecting her attitude or she may question her ability to care for a toddler and attacking you is a way of avoiding being a child care giver without admitting she feels she has issues.

Are there other members of the extended family who might enjoy babysitting? When my nephews started their families, my mother and I went to their houses and cared for their infants and toddlers until the parents returned home one night each week (one nephew had Friday and the other Saturday). When the kids were older, their parents often dropped them off at my house over the weekend and the cousins got a chance to play together. It's not an every weekend thing anymore, but the teen-aged older kids "arrange" the cousin play dates at my house still today.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to TNtechie
Report

I think you and your mom have mismatched expectations of her living there. This kind of stuff causes resentment and division so I would say it’s time for a few family meetings to get everyone on the same page. No, you’re not wrong. But, I think you’re mom needs to express her feelings too. In the meantime, I would get a babysitter.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to anonymous1010889
Report

See All Answers
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter