I've been a live-in for three years. Is it normal to wanna run away at times?

Don't know all the details of your situation but your mom should be in a care facility where she'll get 24/7 care and supervision. You've had more than your share of tragedy. You and mom will both be much better off if you can get her in care.

The short answer to your question is YES IT'S NORMAL to wanna run away at times, so comfort yourself with your normal thoughts. Then do your best to remove the emotion that haunts you when you think of placing your mom in a care facility. From the information you shared it is clear that it's time. Don't kid yourself Iamstrong, it will not get any better until you make changes for both you and your mom to survive. Somewhere in your logic you know this - it's that emotion that likely holds you back. Caregiving burnout is REAL... it is threatening.... it will win if you don't take control. This isn't about how much you love your mom - don't measure the love, it's immeasurable. Strong doesn't mean killing yourself, it means you make tough decisions that will allow everyone a healthier life, including YOU!

If care is not a solution to you and I know to some it isn't then take heart. I do one to one care and I am the sole carer and I know exactly what you mean about wanting to run away. Is there anyone ANYONE AT ALL that could come and sit with her for two hours just so you can get some me time. Perhaps the local church has someone who would volunteer. Perhaps there is a day centre that you might be able to take her to - even if you have to stay with her at least you can share some of your issues with like minded people and perhaps get together to share some of the care - two people could look after 3 for a day to give the third a day off. Its not quite like our babysitting coops but similar so that for every two days you share caring with another you get one day back. This site might help you:
greenamerica/livinggreen/carecoop
Obviously you have to conduct all the usual checks but it might be a way for you to get some much needed time for yourself xxxxxx bless you - remember without your health your mum has noone so it is vital you take care of yourself

I am sorry for your situation.By the time you figure out what you will need to do to take care of yourself things will start getting better, you will see. I agree, your mom needs to be in in a home for both your sakes. I am sorry about you brother and your Aunt, suicide is not a solution. I hope you realize that. Take care of yourself.

Not only is it normal, my running away FANTASY serves as a positive outlet and keeps me from going there in reality!!! find that I escape in bvarious ways and now that I OWN this as a positive way of coping, I go places in my head or even online that I would love to visit; France, Denmark, Bora Bora ect, If I'm cooking I just visualize myself in my car backing out of the driveway with no intention what so ever of returning. Sometimes in emergency situations if my mom and I are in the car and she has asked for the TENTH time is the a/c on I refuse to answer and flip the radio to the Classical station preset for such times. We need positive escape valves; but NOTHING beats planned escapes . Even something simple and cost free like this one; I have taken mom to church with no intention of remaining myself. I ask the ushers and her seat mate to just keep an eye out for movement then... I meander about until service is over and wow I'm refreshed! I do pray this helps
Andrea

Call your states dept. of aging and explain your situation. They will get the ball rolling as to what your options are. The PDA has been extremely valuable to us here in Pennsylvania.

Dear Ande1122 I absolutely adored your answer...this is exactly what I do at least once a day! I dream about packing an overnight bag, grabbing my passport and heading to the airport to catch a plane to nowhere. I often lay in bed early in the morning and dream that I am waking up somewhere else. Sooo glad I'm not the only one that feels this way. Thanks a million!

Of course it is normal. You don't have to be a caregiver to have such feelings.
Comfort yourself and do what you can to lessen the load.

Iamstrong , yes it's normal to want to run away and you ARE strong. Stay strong and work with social services to get your mom placed in a home so that you and she can get on with life. You have been through far more than anyone should have to go through. It's time for you to take care of yourself. Let go of any guilt that you may feel for placing your mom in care. It's best for both of you. Your Area Agency on Aging may be able to help if you want to start. there. Please let us know how you are doing.
Carol

It is so unfortunate your brother and aunt chose to kill themselves rather than seek professional help in dealing with their depression. My condolences for all your losses and yes, I feel like running away about 50 times a day, but I just dream that for a few moments and then come back to reality. You do need some help and because you did not give us any information about how old your mother is, what challenges she has, or you, please let us know more so we can help. Best wishes!

Lamstrong, most of us didn't choose to be caregivers, it fell on us (like a ton of bricks). And ALL of us who were loaded down with the job we didn't want, want to run away! You would not be normal if you didn't want to flee. Yes, its time for your mother to go into a facility. I loved my mom, but it was time, I had no life. What I found is there are wonderful places. My mom didn't want to go, but she thrived once she was in. It was far better care for her and my life got 100% better. Start checking out assisted living places, many are terrific! I'm sorry for your losses, honey! Hang in there and listen to the advice the others give you here. There are bright, sunny, happy days heading your way, it's just hard to see when you're in the cloud. If you have more questions, just ask us here, we will help guide you...

It is completely normal to want to run away. I do this like Ande1122 and Cooper1955, by reading about places, usually places I have been so I can really visualize it, and I escape by reading books. I read online the newspaper of the place I want to visit over morning coffee very early before I get my day started. I also find that looking at the detail in the rooms pictured in decorating magazines helps me escape. I have a list of places that I want to visit someday, both big and small, and when the going gets rough I think that someday I will be visiting other places and putting all this behind me, that this was a necessary but difficult stage in life I have to power through.

You are a very strong person to enure all that has gone on in your life in the last thre years!You need to take your Mom to the emergency & have her addmitted & assessed! I did that very sme thing last week with my sister.There is only so much one can do-- we are not trained to take care of loved ones 24/7You have to stand your ground & tell social workers at the hospital you no longer can deal with your Mom-- bottom line the Dr has to say she no longer can go home he has the say on the matter.No matter how guilty you feel You have did your best Mom needs to be placed in a nursing home.I just am going through this now.If I have to I will give up POA & the lawyer can handle the rest! The caregiver is the one that will be letting their own health deteriate ! I myself can no longer deal with taking care of my loved one. ( sister) who has no family .I have my own family to take care of.leave your Mom at the hospital & don't visit her until the social worker has her placed.I am dealing with the profetionals & waiting for my loved one to be placed.She is doing fine at the hosptal & can not come to any harm there.my opinion as I see it.And the Dr. has said my sister can not go home unless she has care 24/7 !

Suicide is the ultimate in running away, isn't it? But I like your forum name, and I bet it's true, too - that's why you're still there, and even more importantly acknowledging to yourself how you feel about what you're having to carry.

Falls in your loved one are so incredibly stressful, been there. I don't know if this will work for you (maybe better than it did for me, I hope?) but trying to accept that it's impossible to eliminate every risk, and that if your mother falls, then she falls, and you'll deal with the fallout once it's happened and you know what has to be done at least gives you a kind of cushion of fatalism to lean on. It's a variation on thinking "what's the worst that could happen?" combined with recognising that once you've done your best there's nothing more you can do.

Of course you're tired. So it's not so much wanting to run away as wanting to sit down and STOP. Is there any way you can hire respite care? - or will your local social services help with that? It doesn't cure everything, but recharging your batteries, I found anyway, does make it easier to carry on.

At the risk of stating the obvious, there is clearly a family vulnerability in mental health terms. Make sure your GP - if you haven't got one, GET ONE - is aware of the history so that s/he can watch your back for you. Your brother and your aunt needed help and didn't ask for it and/so didn't get it; and to be frank what they did was pretty unfair on you. So ask. Be the squeaky wheel. Make a fuss. You are entitled to help and support - don't repeat their mistakes.

Find community exactly where you are. This is a good start. I cannot tell you how much just reading these responses has helped bring me back from high levels of anxiety, depression, anger, frustration, etc. It has also helped me find resources like home care that I wouldn't have had the time to do on my own. My advice, reach out, give voice to your challenge, there is always someone who will not only listen but will have some answers or at least point you in the right direction.

Church was my outlet for years. We would go to his and then mine. Three hours of freedom, escape, comfort, and God's grace. But now I can no longer take him. He has "Bathroom " problems and I never know when it will happen. So I don't have that outlet anymore. But I finally got 10 hours of help from the VA. It will start next week! I am so looking forward to it. But now I will be taking escapes in my mind as you have been doing!

Thanks for the responses! I am glad to hear that I am not the only one who fantasizes about running away. My husband and I are my mothers caregivers and recently spent 2 nights away (my daughters stayed with grandma) and it was very refreshing. We are already planning another weekend. Searching the internet for places to stay and things to see are my daily get-away.

I believe the first step is realizing you are normal in feeling this way. Don't know if you are a parent, but for sure, when I had three small demanding - and wanted and adorable - little kids I not only felt at times like I was inept but also at times wanted to run away. And they were sweet and my own children. Anyone, ANYONE who pours out every ounce of their attention, love and care to others all the time becomes tapped out. Now, you are at the end of the spectrum, unlike having sweet babies and being very young, where you are forced to give up much of your life and your resources. Two people have seemingly 'bailed'. You would be ABNORMAL to not be flooded with those emotions. The next step is seeking relief and help. You need it. Be kind to yourself, let someone else take the load at times, have a life too. Otherwise you won't be worth a thing to anyone, most of all yourself.

I am sorry you are going through so much. I do believe running away is a thought that passes since I lost my brother and niece to suicide as well. My parents never recovered and both have dementia. Its time for you to live with more hope and do not feel quilty about it. Prayer are with you.

I think we all wouldn't be normal if we DIDN'T feel that way from time to time (ok, everyday). I used to want to go to Walmart or Walgreens for heaven's sake just to get some me time and I would tell my dad that's where I was going. He would say "ok, I will go with you". My heart would just crumble. I had already given every excuse in the book why I needed to go or it was going to take me too long and he would tell me he would sit in the car. And I totally agree with the burnout. You WILL burnout if you don't get help. Either in home health care or facility. There might be one more option for you. I don't know all of your mother's health problems but you might try an adult day care if she's able. I wish I had tried that with my mom before it was too late. I was the one who thought they knew better than the social workers and thought she was too "well" to go and would fight it. Little did I know it would have been perfect for her. She would have thought she was there to volunteer or work. They are very good at what they do to find the patients place. Whether she can go or not, please bring someone in or look into facility. There are very few of us that are qualified to take care of our loved ones to the point of late stage diseases or if they are handicapped. I know I didn't go to school and have knowledge on dementia/alz. I have learned a lot in the 10 years we have been battling it but still I wouldn't bring my mom to my home. That's what a in home health care aide or good facility is there for.....to take care of those that can't take care of themselves. You still need to be diligent and on top of their care but it won't be so draining. They still need an advocate to fight for them. Good luck and God Bless.

I hear you loud and clear, and as other's have stated, you need to look after yourself. If you are not well how can you help someone else in your life. I do not know about where you live, there is such a thing called 'respite' care. A break for you, even for a week. You put them into respite care for you, or have someone come in to your home for a day giving you time away. It sounds like you need a week of. So if you can find subsidized respite care, where you are, for a week, I think you would feel the relief. Then ask for it twice a month for a day, giving you a break. You have had WAY to much to deal with in your family. It sounds like you haven't even been able to grieve the death of those you love. Even if you are just staying in the house for the week, and can not really afford to travel anywhere, vegging out in your PJs and watching t.v. only making meals for yourself, it will give you a break you need. Time away from your Mom, and your Mom sometimes needs that break to, other people to see, although confusing, stimulates her a little bit. Time for you sweetie..HUGS

It's definitely normal! I would question the normality of NOT feeling this way, especially after your only other support have chosen to escape and the way they did! Saddening, more loss for you to deal with too because as we all know too well you have had to grieve for some of who you have lost in your own mom, even tho her shell may be the same! I have been caregiver to my almost 90 y/o MIL with Dementia for almost 5 years and those feelings of wanting to run away have been having off n on but stronger since this past 2 yrs. that we are alone just her and I. What I have learned: You have to rest when she does, do work around her, give her something to do while you accomplish what you need to, get outdoors as much as possible, have quiet moments to read, reflect, pray, etc. I have hired a HS freshman who comes 3X/wk. to sit with her anytime from half hour to a whole evening out. I also have recently hired a friend who's grandma lived with them with ALZ/dementia so she knows what's going on and helps me from 9 AM to 1 PM and does a bit more with her, for her while I run errands, get back into the gym, etc. I have reclaimed more of myself now and am less stressed out. I no longer feel like I could actually run away. Now I don't want to I am refreshed and the negativity and burnout has almost all gone away. Best of luck to you, you are not alone, nor abnormal in your thoughts, feelings this is the biggest deal to take care of someone in this condition but reach out to others for help and it won't feel like such a burden!

YES!!! Find someone to give you a break, breathe, pray, refresh. I know it's tough, get help, you are not alone sister...

I feel like running away every single day...and not telling ANYONE where I am !!! But, I know that's not quite the solution, but just to say it is...when I feel like running away, I do in my mind...I try to find a place where there's no phones, no bills/papers to look at, no errands to run, no voices of my parents wanting/needing something...no responsibility of any kind. I try to remember 'way back when' all I had to do was go mindlessly shopping, you know, the bumming around kind - that 'escape' kind of shopping...BUT reality is not that anymore. It is the responsibility, endless work of some kind...I try to explain to my husband but he is an OTR truck driver and he is detached from the whole situation and doesn't really understand. He says he does, but there is no way possible he can !!! Because when he is home, then obviously he wants to be 'first', and everyone 'second'...hard to deal with and when I try to explain he gets somewhat more flexible but still wants that 'first'...do many demands on me so then I want to run !!! I have set parameters for my parents, and I do try to set aside 'a do nothing time' for me...it sort of works, but in the back of my mind I know it is always hanging over my head that I have this ginormous amount of responsibility of family...I will eventually be able to get professional arrangements for my parents when the time is right, and it is almost right now...so, i just have to try and deal with things as best as I can for now. But at least I know my time is coming soon...this website provides alot of therapy for me so I don't feel so alone; I am not the only one who has this heavy load on my shoulders and I can feel a great deal of relief after I am on here. Thank you to all. Prayers out to everyone and the strength to persevere... have a nice day !!! :)

You are not alone. I'm a caregiver to my 94 year old mother and 100 year old father.......and yes......I take care of 2 elderly parents. I moved back home into there house that they've owned for almost 60 years and its a full time job. I had to quite my job, quite school and not go to the gym as much as i used to. I have extreme anxiety and want to run away on a daily basis. I live near a park that also has a zoo so I go on many walk, even in a snow storm just to get out. I always feel alive after getting out of the house. Hang in there and so sorry for your loss.

You are not alone. I'm a caregiver to my 94 year old mother and 100 year old father.......and yes......I take care of 2 elderly parents. I moved back home into there house that they've owned for almost 60 years and its a full time job. I had to quite my job, quite school and not go to the gym as much as i used to. I have extreme anxiety and want to run away on a daily basis. I live near a park that also has a zoo so I go on many walk, even in a snow storm just to get out. I always feel alive after getting out of the house. Hang in there and so sorry for your loss.

oh my...just the fact that so many of your loved ones took their lives is unbelievable. I know I can't afford to put my parents in a convales home because it would cost $7000 a mo. each!! Thank god my brother takes care of them twice a week or I would be in a mental institution...for sure!! It's extremely mentally and physically demanding to care for elderly parents if they sick and can't take care of themselves. Is there a caregivers group where you can get this off your chest and hear aaaaallll the similar stories? My heart breaks for you...wish there was something I could say to help!!

Even doing everything and singing while you are doing it doesn't keep caregiver burnout away. I do daydream about being somewhere else, but other than caring for my not so nice to me mom, I have a husband on dialysis. Whole thing isn't easy, but I love them both. I do try and sit outside for a few minutes to refresh me. Life is tough.

It's my husband I'm running away from - daily - although I know he cannot be left alone at night. He's 8 years older than I and is losing mobility, which isn't quite gone yet; he's also got mild cognitive impairment - just enough to sufficiently magnify his ego-centrism and negative personality traits so that the last thing I want or need to do is be constantly at his side. Dunno how I'm gonna handle it if/when things progress to the point where he can't be left alone at all; but right now I plan errands and such so that I get out for at least a coupla hours almost every afternoon, in addition to the 1-2 hours I regularly devote to the gym early each morning. And that's what's keepin' me sane...

Very good advice here--I agree.
It's a harsh situation you are in for so long!
You have gone through so much!
It shows you ARE strong--firmly understand that!
But even the strongest heroes, need respite, need rest from their hardships.

I often felt like running away--in fact, I sorta did, but, it was more like hiding from her while still in the house, just to take a mental escape--it was not enough.
After 6 years, it got so bad, the small breaks created by dropping her off to do her shopping [which should have been supervised!], were not enough for me to re-set my senses from her terroristic behaviors.
It was too much.

Anyone carrying that level of stress so long, would feel messed up by it.
PLEASE work with social services, to get your mom into a care facility,
or at least have care-workers come to the house, to give you respite..

If you chose having a care worker come to the house, make sure Mom's legal paperwork is set up so that no one can change it---that has sometimes happened [a few home-care workers, or sometimes relatives, have tried, or done, a take-over their person's money and property, by taking them to a new lawyer and making new wills, POA's, etc.--this can be avoided, but it requires some legal help and documents].

You can still be part of her care-team, if you want, even if she's in a care-facility, but at least you would be able to start living life, get some respite, some healing for yourself, and find your genuine self again.
Please keep us posted how you are doing!