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Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
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If she is judgemental and unfriendly, then it's normal and a good reason for you to reconsider your arrangement with her.
It's harmful for you to live in a negative environment caring for an unappreciative person - who ever they are.
Was your mother always like this? Or has she developed dementia and her personality has changed for the worst?
Caregiving has to work for both caregiver and the one being cared for. If this isn't working for you (sounds like it is not) then in your own interests you need to plan for a change. Even if she was not like this before, and it is due to disease not everyone is cut out to be a hands on caregiver. I know I am not. There is no shame in that.
More detail about your situation would help us to give better answers. Wishing you the best as you deal with this difficult circumstance.
Absolutely right, Golden. There's no shame in not being cut out to be a caregiver. Even people who take well to this kind if work don't have to tolerate being abused and mistreated.
As soon as I read "You live with" I said "Oh No". You are living in her house, her rules apply.
This is a common post here, all I can say is, make a plan to move out and get your life back on track. Do whatever it takes, don't let guilt become your mantra, it is a self-imposed emotion that will keep you stuck.
Is mom normally judgmental and unfriendly? It could be medical. My mother was not normally cruel to me and one day she just said something to me that was out of character. Had her tested for a uti and a full on mental diagnosis - Found she had dementia and a uti. After that she was given some medication for the uti but the dementia was not fun to live with. I just chalked it up to the illness and knew that it was not her!
Let me tell you something. When an adult child lives WITH a needy, senior parent in the parent's home, it's usually a disaster. What happens is the needy parent is losing control over their own life and what they're able to do, so they compensate for that by becoming an abusive tyrant to their adult child/caregiver. Controlling their adult child's life makes them feel powerful. If the adult child is also financially dependent on them, their life is a living hell.
When a needy parent moves into the adult child's home it's different. There may be other behaviors like guilt-tripping, manipulation to get their own way, and negativity, but there isn't control.
You have to move out of your mother's house. Your life will be ruined for good if you don't. She can have caregivers. She can live in a care facility. You deserve a life.
Your mom is critical and unhappy. I would consider whether this has a lot to do with her underlying personality or whether it is coming with aging and all the problems of aging, all the many losses of autonomy and ability. If mom ALWAYS had a tendency to be who she is, then that's an answer. If she is now different it may be worth discussion with a doctor as to a need to antidepressants. Often a low dose medication can help one deal with the many changes that come with aging.
In the end you may be left with the "mother-daughter-dance" that can last a lifetime in one form or another. Old age isn't a particularly happy time, and at 82 I can assure you of that. And who will you complain to? Well you will complain to the person you believe can/should help you make it OK, or to the only person still there to listen to you. Sadly that's it.
Try not to take it personally. When someone is this unhappy it is usually about THEM, not about YOU. Heart out to you. Get a break from it, find something that will bring you joy. Sometimes there's nothing for it but to go out into the garden with a hot cup of coffee and deep breathe.
Or to put the complaining, abusive elder into a care facility. No one has to live in misery, be judged, guilted, manipulated and abused by a needy, elderly tyrant because they have no one else to lash out at. No way.
If the OP's mother is as bad as the post says she is, that is not going to improve. In act, it is going to get worse. Put her in a care facility. Nobody cares if she complains, rants, or is judgmental. They will simply ignore her.
I’m not sure it matters if it’s normal. It’s not healthy to live in an environment where you feel judged and like you’re not wanted (what I would say unfriendly likely means) I hope you’ll search for a new plan for both you and mom, we only live once, why do it being made to feel bad? My dad firmly would not let his adult children live with him and he wouldn’t live with any of us, always said he’d seen it ruin too many relationships. I think dad was right
It shouldn't be normal but it is too common, as you'll find from reading the many unhappy accounts on this forum.
You aren't obligated to continue living with her and caring for her. Why waste your time on someone who has this attitude toward you? Start making plans to move out. She can use hired caregivers or go to a senior facility. Reclaim your life.
If you want to share more details, you'll find good advice and encouragement here.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
It's harmful for you to live in a negative environment caring for an unappreciative person - who ever they are.
Was your mother always like this? Or has she developed dementia and her personality has changed for the worst?
Caregiving has to work for both caregiver and the one being cared for. If this isn't working for you (sounds like it is not) then in your own interests you need to plan for a change. Even if she was not like this before, and it is due to disease not everyone is cut out to be a hands on caregiver. I know I am not. There is no shame in that.
More detail about your situation would help us to give better answers. Wishing you the best as you deal with this difficult circumstance.
This is a common post here, all I can say is, make a plan to move out and get your life back on track. Do whatever it takes, don't let guilt become your mantra, it is a self-imposed emotion that will keep you stuck.
There are options available, explore them.
What happens is the needy parent is losing control over their own life and what they're able to do, so they compensate for that by becoming an abusive tyrant to their adult child/caregiver. Controlling their adult child's life makes them feel powerful. If the adult child is also financially dependent on them, their life is a living hell.
When a needy parent moves into the adult child's home it's different. There may be other behaviors like guilt-tripping, manipulation to get their own way, and negativity, but there isn't control.
You have to move out of your mother's house. Your life will be ruined for good if you don't. She can have caregivers. She can live in a care facility. You deserve a life.
In the end you may be left with the "mother-daughter-dance" that can last a lifetime in one form or another. Old age isn't a particularly happy time, and at 82 I can assure you of that. And who will you complain to? Well you will complain to the person you believe can/should help you make it OK, or to the only person still there to listen to you. Sadly that's it.
Try not to take it personally. When someone is this unhappy it is usually about THEM, not about YOU. Heart out to you. Get a break from it, find something that will bring you joy. Sometimes there's nothing for it but to go out into the garden with a hot cup of coffee and deep breathe.
If the OP's mother is as bad as the post says she is, that is not going to improve. In act, it is going to get worse. Put her in a care facility. Nobody cares if she complains, rants, or is judgmental. They will simply ignore her.
You aren't obligated to continue living with her and caring for her. Why waste your time on someone who has this attitude toward you? Start making plans to move out. She can use hired caregivers or go to a senior facility. Reclaim your life.
If you want to share more details, you'll find good advice and encouragement here.