Is it normal to feel depressed after a senior you cared for for 14 years has to be put into assisted living?

Desert, yes it can be quite normal to feel depressed after caring for a love one. But one now has to think that moving Mom into a nice Assisted Living that she will now be safe, not wandering the streets at night, and have a higher level of care by Staff who is familiar with her health issues.

My Dad was in a senior facility and he really enjoyed having so many people wait on him :) He had weekly housekeeping, weekly linen service, and all his meals were served in the dining room menu stye... and he loved that food. And what he really liked he was around people of his own generation.

My Mom [98] refused caregivers or even the thought of downsizing to a 55+ community. So my Dad [94] was her caregiver, and vise versa. Their stock answer was "we can manage".

My Dad never expected the senior facility to look like a hotel. Dad adjusted quite quickly, but I do know there are many seniors who it will take months to adjust to a new residence so don't worry if that happens with your Mom. And do not think about bringing Mom back to her home. That would not be in her best interest.

Freqflyer thank you for the response. It helps a lot. I had to laugh at your comment on how much your dad liked being waited on. I think my mother in law will share that same experience. 😊The center she is going to sounds a lot like the one your dad was in, so I am feeling better about it. I think she will be fine and I know this is in her best interest.

Interesting this was mentioned. There was a news story in Oh where a 56 year old man with dementia was found dead outside a gas station after wandering away from the facility he was in. Be sure to stay on top of the care your MIL is getting.

Shad250-wow, that is scary. Thank you for sharing and I will most definitely stay on top of her care.

DesertRose, let us know how your Mom-in-law does in her new residence.

As for elders walking out of their facilities, it all depends on the facility itself. The one my Dad was in had a Receptionist at the front door and none of the residents with memory issues were allowed out the front door being alone. After hours the building was secure. Only way to enter the building was by using a code, and a code to leave the building. Even the elevator was coded.

Ask where your Mom-in-law will be living what is the routine at night regarding locking the front door of the building, etc. And what do you do if you need to visit Mom after hours.

Yes, it is normal to feel depressed when someone you care about is going into assisted living or a nursing home (LTC). Caregivers sometimes feel like they have failed the person that they are caring for because that person will now be cared for by someone else.

As for elderly residents walking out of their facilities, it definitely depends on the facility itself. Most assisted living facilities have a code that you need to use to enter or leave the building. Sometimes the receptionist will be the person who activates the door release from their desk.

Unfortunately some facilities post the code on the wall right next to the keypad. The elderly can be sneaky and I know of a situation where a resident memorized the code and used to let himself out because he wanted to go to a local bar and watch a game with his friends. Since it was a small town, he routinely walked to the bar while living at home and saw no reason why he couldn't do that while living at the assisted living facility. Curiously, he couldn't find his way from the dining room to his room at the assisted living facility :)

I recently had to put my dad in nursing home. With His dementia he has 'combative' episodes to where he refused to take meds, eat, or go to doctor with me. After 2x of calling 911 & hospital visits to regulate meds. Im sure I'm doing right thing too but it doesn't help me sleep at night. I also cried for long time when I gathered his stuff to take to him.

Oh bless you. Yes, I think it’s very normal. My mum moved to a home two years ago and I literally broke my heart. It was necessary and she has settled well. I think it’s a grieving process and send you love and strength as you get through it. xx

The man that had wandered away was in Ohio...I believe from experience that even 5 star rated NH's are not good in this state, much incompetence, overcrowding in general, and unfriendliness, and this is hopefully not the norm elsewhere. If you stay vigilant in your area and show the staff you are engaged in your Mom's care this will help, as well as establishing a good relationship with staff. All the best to you in your beautiful area of the Country!

Desertrose7, you are so right when you say life throws a monkey wrench into things. My parents were going along just fine at 88 and 85 until my dad started exhibiting signs of dementia. It was probably coming along gradually, but it seems like he went off a cliff pretty quickly. We moved him to a memory care facility and he did pretty well. I didn't feel as much guilt as some because I knew in my heart it was right for him. As for security, his facility had two levels of security. The inside door from the main facility to the lobby opened with a code. Sometimes a determined resident would muscle out when we opened the door to leave. They didn't get far, though. The door to the outside could only be opened by the 24 hour staff. Good luck to you and try not to feel guilty. You've given a lot of loving care and you're doing the right thing now for you MIL.

Thinking of you on this one. I moved my parents in because my dad's dementia had progressed to a point where it wasn't good for either him or my mom to live a few states away alone. We found a good community program called PACE and that largely allowed him to stay in my home for another year because he went to an adult day care program. In the last 2 months of his life, his dementia made it such he needed hospitalization and then nursing home stay. It was tough to make the decision to move him to a nursing home, but it was so much safer for him and really did give me peace of mind not just for his care but for my mom as well. It is never easy to make the decision because there's sometimes a disconnect between heart and mind. Our hearts want to keep them at home for as long as possible but the practical considerations make the facility the best choice. There were times I felt that I failed him because he had to go to a facility, but in the end I knew it was the responsible and loving thing to do. Best wishes to your family. Transitions of life are hard.

My Fathers care home is locked at all times. You ring a bell to get in and out. There is a code for staff. Most of the residents at some point sit in area nearest door to try to work out how to get out. My Father DoD this but eventually realised there is no chance. They can only go out accompanied. I too felt very guilty about putting him there. It is like grieving in a way. It's taken me a good few months to get my head round it. I now know I could never manage him at home and at least he is safe and looked after. Of course he will never agree. Says he was in perfect health before going in there and wants out. Short memory right enough. I have kept a diary for years and this paints a totally different picture.Just remember you have done nothing wrong.

Of course it is normal.

You must be a fantastic caregiver to be this upset. I am sorry it has come to this for you.

Nobody yearned for years to go into a care situation - nobody ever wants to get dementia - that's why these care facilities came into existance

I believe our loved ones have better a quality of life there - there may be a short adjustment period for both you & MIL as this will be a major change in the dynamics of each day - at random times you will find yourself saying to yourself 'I wonder if she needs this' then you will remember all her needs are being met at her new place [happens most of often in a store]

Good luck in you adjustment - hugs from all

Assisted living is NOT the same a "nursing home" - and many people confuse the two. Assisted living facilities are not meant to be like prisons, and residents have more freedom to "come and go." When a person gets to the point where they need nursing home care, most NHs have locking doors and restricted access.

I disagree with Katie22 about NHs in Ohio. I am from Ohio and my father lived in an assisted living facility in Ohio, followed by the nursing home at the same complex. I did my homework before I placed him at that facility, took a tour, asked questions, researched any complaints online, etc. - just like any adult child should "do their homework" before they place their elderly parent in an AL or NH environment. Some places are terrible, some places are wonderful - but most are in-between. There is no state that has the "corner on the market" in terms of NH quality.

It's always depressing when one needs to place their elderly relative into a care facility - but it is the safest and most caring thing you can do for them.

Desert I am amazed at your caring heart, you have your son, husband, mom and mother in law all dependent upon you for care.

HUGS AND LOVE 2 U for being who you are and for all you do for those you love, they are truly blessed to have you. It is completely normal to feel the loss of a loved one, the slow goodbye (dementia) is one of the hardest losses, they are gone but not gone. Visit and love her and take care of you during this transition, it will feel better when you see that she is safe and cared for, her emotions might be all over the place at this time, which is completely normal for dementia and change. Be patient and non-reactive during the adjustment period, take things in stride , as this could be a rollercoaster for a while but, knowing that should help you. I'll pray that it is a smooth transition for all of you.

Take others bad experiences with a grain of salt, one bad situation does not make an entire facility bad, nor does one good situation make a good facility. You are a caregiver and you will know if all is well, as I am completely sure that all due diligence was used to pick her new home and it is the best option available. HUGS!!

It’s depressing because every elder transition is depressing. Don’t let the dichotomy of “I did the right thing but I’m depressed” trick you into thinking you did the wrong thing. You did the right thing. Unequivocally. MIL needed a higher level of care, and you & your husband gave her exactly that — by matching her with professionals.

Desertrose7 You're very welcome. I hope your mom is in a decent place.

Katie22 Ohio is one of the states that has been the most lax when it comes to issues regarding NH/AL facilities.

I know exactly how you are feeling. Last month after caring for my mom 24/7 for the past 2 yrs, I moved her into memory care. She is not happy there and keeps wanting to go home, but my aunts and uncles keep reminding me she was not happy here with me, and wanted to go home, and she WAS home.

While I'm happy she is getting good care (and I know that she is because I worked at that facility for several yrs), I do find myself missing her terribly at times. Which is crazy on the face of it, because she hasn't been here for over a year, really, except physically. It is what it is though, so I feel you. {{hugs}}

DesertRose, as many others have already said, yes, it's normal to feel depressed when moving someone from your direct care into assisted living. For well more than a year, I struggled for with making that decision for my dad and it was one of the reasons I joined an Alzheimer's Support Group, where I learned about many other caregivers' experiences. Our facilitator relayed that in his experience as both a caregiver and as a facilitator, he had never known anyone who, after moving their loved one into a facility, thought they had done so too soon. He had moved his wife into a facility only after his children told him they didn't want to lose him in addition to losing their mother. It is a fact that about half of the caregivers die before the person for whom they are providing care and I'm sure the stress and lack of sleep are contributing factors.

I hope the assisted living facility you've found for your mother-in-law is close enough that she can be visited frequently by you and your family -- if so, that will help with her transition as well as yours and it will naturally be much easier to monitor care and take corrective action if necessary. And I hope she adjusts as quickly and as well as my dad did -- I think he adjusted quicker and better than I did. His new home is the best place I could find within a 10-mile radius of my home and is only an easy 5-mile bike ride away, which greatly helps my daily visits there. Best wishes in your transition.

It's normal to feel depressed.

She may well love it in the facility.

If not, if she hates it, Here's Just a thought: Have you considered having a home health care aid come in?

Medicare can pay for up to 35 hours with a doctor's note, and the other time can be paid privately. It may be less expensive than assisted living, too.

Also, lock her car in a garage and take her keys away.

It is a hard process, and it also shows the good of your heart if you feel that way. If the facility treats her well and you take some time off to visit her, it will be better for her than being on her own again, which is now not possible.