Is it normal to become frustrated and impatient at times with your parent?

My father was diagnosed with the first stages of dementia in mid-2014. He is a healthy, educated man in his eighties but not a practical or hands-on type of persona. He has not progressed whatsoever, and I sometimes wonder if he was incorrectly diagnosed. He is an introvert who has always been very stubborn and set in his ways, a perfectionist but stern calm man. When I ask him to do something, he purposely looks at me and does the opposite or waits till I am gone. I then become frustrated and overwhelmed and may reply in an impatient tone of voice, feeling frustrated. I can be a nagger, I admit and bossy also only for trying to do my best. I am far from perfect, and maybe I need to let go and stop trying to control everything. All of this after eats me up inside for days, then leaving me to feel overwhelming guilt with sleepless nights. I do appreciate all your feedback immensely.

Unfortunately, seems all the time...

I feel so very guilty about getting frustrated with my Mom or irritated. She can’t help it, it’s the dementia. And yet I find that I lose my cool. Not by yelling at her or anything, I wait until I come back home 1/2 mile up the street to my house. My Mom can get so stubborn and she hard hearing and refuses to wear her hearing aids. I honestly think I need to learn how to meditate so I don’t get so frustrated. Plus, maybe take one of my anxiety pills. I just wanted to let you know you were not along in that.

Yes. Yes. Yes. why wouldn’t you? Your life role has changed, you have grief for your losses and for your parent’s decline.

I sanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. You may need to adjust your expectations or remove items for awhile depending on the situation.

Remember, he sees you as his child, not an authority figure. You will have to make things seem as his idea if you want to have the possibility of him changing his behavior.

I am guessing he has dementia........maybe just put it back again where you had it.  And yes.......I get frustrated with my mom (93).....she has some hearing loss.......and there are times when I am talking to her and all of a sudden she will ask or tell me something out of the blue so I know either (1) she didn't hear me talking (2) or she wasn't paying attention.........so sometimes I just stop talking and try to move on......but it makes me frustrated that I try to do so much in making sure she has food to eat, pay the bills, take to appointments, visit every day to get mail/paper in yet my brother who only lives 1/2 hour away (retired) can only manage to come up maybe 2 times a month for 2 hours each time......yippee that's 4 hours a month.......and maybe he might get her paper in and bring her up a sandwich........however, it sounds like your father might have some dementia going on and he moves things around either to frustrate you OR just because he wants to and doesn't know why.  Don't feel guilty......we all have been there.......wishing you luck

(sorry this is posted 3945849 times!! the reply box was at the bottom but it was posting at the top! I'm trying to delete them)
Absolutely! That's why I'm here right now! I refuse to give in to my father's paranoia that he's being watched by his apartment complex. and he keeps pushing it . he bought a ring camera and what he wants to do with it, wont' work. I'm trying to talk him out of it by saying you can't turn it off and on when you want to use it. you can't take battery out and put it back in. (it will always want to update). He never leaves the house except for MAYBE once a month. I have no desire to enable him. He just told me "But I'd rather you come over". so all my reasons didn't work. now i have to tell him "I'd rather not" in a way that doesn't peeve him off but he'll get mad anyway because most people who want someone to enable them usually do. gggggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr lol

Is it normal to become impatient with your parents? Are you kidding? Haven't you read the posts on this site?

MOST of us are frustrated and impatient. That's why we vent here. If you need an understanding group of caregivers who are going through what you are going through, then consider joining the Alzheimer's/Dementia Caregiver's Support Group on Facebook. You will find plenty of frustrated and impatient people who will listen and support you.

Imho, as no one person is perfect, of course it is normal to sometimes become impatient.

You guessed it! Yes, I was raised Catholic and my Mother was very strict and constantly preaching.

There's no mention of your dad's condition, so I'm taking a wild guess that he has at least early stages of dementia. If, so then the answer to 'Is it normal...' is ABSOLUTELY YES! Even if he doesn't have dementia, having others not listen, do things you ask them not to do, etc, is annoying and frustrating, so yes, even then it can be normal. Dealing with it depends on the underlying condition.

IF your dad has dementia, you need to change your mindset. Asking him not to move something is basically planting a seed... As time ticks along, that seed grows, he is focused on it and the end result? He moves whatever it was. In some ways it is like telling a young child not to do something, and they will just HAVE to do it! It would be best not to direct his attention to whatever it is you don't want moved. On the other hand, if there ARE things you want him to deal with, then ask him not to do it - maybe it will work in your favor then! No guarantee, but worth a shot!

If he does do things you don't want him to or disapprove of, confrontation isn't going to work well. Again, this is mainly if he has dementia. Correcting, arguing, demanding, none of these methods of dealing with dementia are really going to yield the results you are looking for. Whatever you have to say will likely end up sounding like the teacher in the Charlie Brown stories - Wah wah wah, Wah WAH wah, wah wah wah... You can probably carry on some conversations, within reason, but if you get into the correction, scolding, arguing, it is only going to frustrate you and perhaps anger you both! Best not to go there.

If he does things you would prefer he doesn't, either put things where he can't get to them, or just move it back and sigh. Hope that he stays somewhat mild-mannered, non-aggressive and just walks away. Annoying. yes, but it is what it is. Their minds work in mysterious ways. I am thankful that my mother never went the aggressive angry route! She can be "feisty", she can get angry or be stubborn sometimes, but never really too hard to deal with. She CAN be redirected, change focus onto something else (this is what you should do, rather than say "Don't touch this!")

If it isn't dementia, a little more input for us, without being too personal? Age? Condition? Living arrangement (your place or his)? How long he has lived with you?

My vote is to say HELL YES. You would NOT BE NORMAL if you didn't....unless you were a saint!...Oh yes, the all knowing fathers. My pup was told last night, when I told him to LEAVE ME ALONE, that I was "back to normal, she's crabby". If I'd had the guts I would have kicked him. But there's all that elder abuse to worry about....We have a PO BOX which is a bit high on the PO wall, as I am in recuperation mode, HE went to pick the mail up. I gave him specific directions as he is like a 2 year old and has to be told....and he was SURE he could reach the box. I told him to just go to the clerk at the window and ask THEM to get it. This is because I'd gone the night prior to the storm coming through, and they had jammed the mail in so tight I couldn't get it out. HE can't understand (since he told the clerk) why I don't want a LOWER box. He is totally clueless and incapable of processing the effects of such a move...having to notify everyone and anyone I have contact with of the new address....do NOT feel guilty and look out for yourself....I've lost track of how long I have been looking out for these elder parents of mine but I am sure that the stress of it all played a role in my recent illness (a dissected aorta, which is often fatal).

It is difficult, this role reversal. My stepdad has never really been “my dad” and although he loves me and appreciates the care he and mom are getting living with us, it’s still hard for me because I wasn’t able to provide the same care for my bio dad. I try to gently tell him to trust me and my husband. That care comfort and health are our priorities no matter what form it takes. But it definitely has become more if a parenting role for him and mom, both with different forms of dreaded dementia. God bless all of us in these trying situations! I thank all of you on this forum for shedding light and experiences on this challenging episode in our lives.

Ladyrosalind said in her answer earlier, "As caregiver you become the parent whether your Dad accepts it or not." I can't describe to you how this statement just hit me. I am seeing my situation with new eyes and no guilt. I AM my dad's parent now, and I don't like that I have to be, because he was never the dad this girl needed growing up. He tells me every night now how grateful he is for my help that day, and we say "I love you" often, but I'm afraid I still deal with some bitterness and sadness regarding the past. If your guilt comes from speaking to your dad from the standpoint of parent to child, I would drop the guilt right now. As a parent we're responsible for firmly calling out improper responses and behavior in the child, and doing it with self control as the loving adult we should be. But sometimes anger can't be helped, because yes, our buttons get pushed. I am really having some revelations here in this moment, and it's lifting a wagonload of weight off my shoulders. Must have been time for this merciful "Aha!" moment. Hallelujah.

What would be MOST helpful on these posts nowadays would be 2 things:

1. A BLOCK feature to block annoying users who love to lay on the guilt trips; and
2. A DELETE feature so the OP could remove certain comments permanently

You are interfering with your Dad's abilities. Your parenting him. Meet him where he is and enjoy his presence. He has a lifetime of "doing" and it is still good for him to do what he wants. You can not change him or teach him new stuff. When he looks at you and knows by your actions and words...."my daughter really loves me"...your job will be enjoyable. You can not change what he has the ability to do...just be thankful, as soon he will not have those abilities.

How old is your dad?
Does he have Dementia?
Does he live in your home, or do you live in his?
Was he patient with his family when you were growing up?

I ask these questions because depending on your answers would determine how I'd answer your question.

sandwichedboomer.com

It would be unnatural to not get frustrated from time to time. Know your own limitations. Try to not let these situations push you over the edge. Maintaining your own sanity is the best thing you can do for a LO.

One day he will be gone forever and you will wish you could see him one more time but you can't and you will forget your frustration. You will feel very sad and regret that your were angry with him. That feeling is just awful, trust me.

Yes! And I thank you for asking the question; reading the title of your post helps me feel not alone. The pressure to be the calm and sane one in the face of all the stress and frequent mistreatment is grinding.

Speaking of frustration, you might like this story; I’m in the midst of moving mom to AL. Many hours of work, many people helping my mom, etc...my mom can be a good woman ( which cues my guilt honestly )but she also does what I call ‘practicing ingratitude’ daily. After myself and others busting our arses so hard for her I’m just over it. She got on this kick that she’s being moved to a basement so finally I snapped, “ Nope! Not a basement! You’re being sent to a DUNGEON!” Then I thought, “ Uh oh there goes my mouth”, but she actually got the joke and laughed!

You’re all right and we’re all doing what we can...

You are human so you have emotions and your unique set of personality traits - including your own "pace" and preferences. So is your dad, but he has whatever senior challenges on top of his personality. Usually this makes for an interesting and complex life that is enjoyable... and the occasional not so pleasant moments of opposing wills.

It is OK to enforce boundaries - like putting things away where you always do so you can find them. It is also OK to feel frustration when you dad doesn't follow through with "reminders" and "cuing" or for rude behavior. If your dad has dementia, he can not remember where the "usual" place is or the usual place seems "wrong" to him and he puts things in unusual places. He may also not remember how to respond when your reminders don't line up with what his mind is telling him. That can lead to some very frustrating moments. Either et used to having stuff "move" or start putting child locks on things to keep him from moving the contents of every drawer and cabinet.

As for feeling guilty, look at it a different way. Your expectations are not being met and that is frustrating you. Maybe you realize after an "incident" that your dad can't meet the expectation. Instead of feeling guilty for being human and having an unrealistic expectation, look at this as a different facet of change in his health. See this as just another challenge that needs a new approach.

It is sooooo normal to become frustrated and impatient and even to holler a bit at the person you are caring for. Do not beat yourself up about this. Emotions are especially complicated when the person you are caring for is your father. It is painful to watch the person who was once your protector become frail and dependent. That underlying grief makes you less patient with your own father than you might be with an unrelated person who was displaying the same behavior. Think about how you would respond to the same behavior if the person you were caring for was an elderly man who was not your father.

Ist of all, if your Dad has his mental capacities, let him put his things where he wants, regardless if you think it would be better somewhere else.

Put yourself in his place, he's probably already lost control of most things in his life like making decisions, driving. Ect. Pick your fights, if it isn't going to hurt him or someone else, let him do it. He deserves to be happy. It's hard for the Child Parentroll to be reversed. Remember you were little once and I'm sure like all parents there were some frustrating moments you gave your parents.
We're all only human and we make mistakes. All is well as long as we learn by them.

Try letting your Dad make all hus iwn choices that concern him. Even if you're only giving him a choice between what to wear or what to eat or what he wants to do and even where he wants to put something. If it isn't going to cause pain or death, let him put whatever is in his own room wherever he wants, it's his room.

You'll find yourself much happier if you don't worry about the little things.

Your Dad will be happier too. 😇

Yes it’s normal. I understand the guilt & feeling of shame. Caregiving is draining. In a perfect world family would all take their shifts & the moral responsibility to take care of our own, our parents would be delegated out to several members. However, it seems there is usually only one sibling doing all of the giving.

Personally, if you're asking for opinions; you shouldn't feel guilty at all. If this is your home he's living in with you, than you have every right to have things the way "you" want. He needs to accept this. It sounds like you might need to sit down with him and set some boundaries. Believe me, I know how you feel. My heart "truly" goes out to you. (((((((hugs))))))))

My mom has Alzheimer's and is bedridden requiring round the clock care. Sometimes she is not very cooperative, won't eat or take her meds...... doesn't want me to change her diapers or reposition her....it frustrates me and makes sad. I am the only one helping her and devoting my time to ensure she is safe, happy and healthy but she cries and acts like I'm rying to hurt her. Occassionally I get angry and have to remind myself not to take it personally. She doesn't know what she's doing, doesn't know who I am. In her mind she is fine, doesn't need help, wear diapers etc and here is some stranger giving her pills when she's not sick, trying to take off her underwear, turning her left and right .....pressure sores are not on her mind. I ask myself would I take pills from a stranger.... what would I do if a stranger tried to remove my clothing/underwear, lied and told me I was wearing diapers when I'm not....I probably wouldn't be very cooperative or agreeable either (smile). Putting myself in her shoes and seeing things how she sees them with her current state of mind, helps me to be less angry more compassionate and understanding. She's not trying to hurt me. Mind you....occasionally when the stress builds up I crack and say something out of anger then end up feeling like an awful person wondering how I'd feel if those were my last words to her. I think the trick is to not take what they do/say personally and put yourself in their shoes, look at things through their eyes.

There are exceptions but I have found that in most cases people who had nasty behavior before growing old usually continues to have unruly behavior in their senior years. They didn’t suddenly become that way with age.

Sweet little old ladies were charming younger women.

It’s only natural to be annoyed by rude behavior no matter what the age of the offensive person.

Give yourself a break and know that anyone would be bothered by others who are insensitive and inconsiderate.

Wishing you peace during this difficult challenge.

If it is only 'at times" then you are very lucky or a saint. My father drove me crazy all the time. It is especially frustrating when you are trying to do something to help them and they seem to sabotage what you are trying to accomplish...under the guise of 'helping'.

In your profile you do not indicate if your dad has dementia or any other problems.
To answer your basic questions is it "normal" to become frustrated with ..you say parent but it could be anyone you are caring for..
First I dislike the term "normal" cuz as caregivers we know nothing is "normal"
And I think frustration is something we all experience to some degree every day.
Now for my bit of wisdom for what it is worth.
You can not change him you can however change your expectations and your reaction to things that happen.
If he moves something is it really a big deal? If it is not a safety reason or if it is something that you HAVE to have next time then don't stress. You say don't move the chair. And he moves it. Did where he moved it really make a difference? Unless he put it at the bottom of the stairs, or blocking a door leave the issue alone. If though he moves his medication from the place where it is kept to someplace different and now you can't find it THAT matters. He moves the remote so no one can find it THAT matters. So pick your battles. If it is the remote or medicine he is moving find a way to keep them safe, put a cord on the remote so it can only go so far, lock the medicine up so he can't move it.
This will make your life less stressful, make his life less stressful and in doing that he may not "push your buttons" quite as much.
I bet as often as you feel frustrated he feels frustrated as well. Particularly if he has dementia life in general can be frustrating trying to cope with just maintaining and retaining what you know.

I've been in the same boat. My mother will do odd things like throw away my stuff for no apparent reason or forget to flush the toilet and it's rough dealing with these things when you're already tired, work a full time job, have a kid to raise...a few times I've been visibly upset. But I've eventually learned that getting audibly upset only makes me MORE upset so I don't even do that anymore. It really does pay to just take a deep breath, remember that it's not HER that did the action but the disease, and let it go. I've been much more at peace in practicing this. Admittedly some times are more difficult than others, so I think that's completely normal, but it isn't logical to get upset with them because the healthy version of them wouldn't do those things and it's all just part of their process. I'm just trying to enjoy what time I have left with her because I know her time is coming soon. Focusing on that helps a lot.....and prayer and anti-depressants, too. Haha. Good luck.

Awww, I’m sorry to hear this. You have to remember he’s reverting back to childhood stages. He’s doing things we did growing up as teens. He’s your dad. I believe if u speak to him kindly and u have to overlook somethings. As they say pick your fights. He’s just use to his way and not thinking. You only have one dad. Just cherish the time u have with him.