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My mother in law has dementia and is so hard headed. It’s hard to get her to take her medicine, to take a shower and even change. We’re living in piss! I’m losing my mind! We’re losing our mind! Once in a while we will go and rent out an Air BNB for a month. And when we do, everyone is judging us! My wife’s aunts, and the mother in law's care takers always just are judging! We’re in our late 20s and have been dealing with this for 10 years! I don’t think we can have a life if we are taking care of a hot headed adult child! We’re literally putting starting a family of our own on hold because of this! We’ve tried so many things. The responses we get are “she’s not sick enough” or “she’s not old enough to be checked in here” at senior living or any place like that. And then the pandemic makes it even harder! 2020 sucks man!

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She is not yet 50, she has been this disordered for 10 years?

Who diagnosed dementia?

Does she use adult protective garments? If not, why not?

Are you living with her?
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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LIP the ethnicity issue can make life incredibly complicated.

I wouldn't say people don't care. But I would certainly agree that people make all kinds of assumptions, and this is made worse by muddled and muddling thinking.

A person comes from a different culture. This may be obvious because of skin colour, language, or all sorts of other factors.

I do not want to impose my white Western values on this person. How, then, do I go about assessing the person's normal routine, if I am not confidently familiar with the general, domestic and personal practices of people within this culture?

So then between ignorance, fear of offending, fear of difference, fear of embarrassment, fear of - just getting everything crashingly *wrong* - there emerges a wish to look the other way.

Perhaps where he comes from it's normal not to bathe. Perhaps listening to voices is how this community makes decisions. He hasn't eaten all day! - oh, but perhaps it's for religious reasons.

To return to immediate matters: what has been your MIL's own, standard daily routine prior to her becoming ill? If you can present a Before and After picture to the medics you're in touch with, you may stand more of a chance of winning their attention.
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Reply to Countrymouse
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Thank you, I originally used this to just vent. But have gotten plenty of feed back on what and how to handle it
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Reply to Livinginpee2020
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LIP (if I may so call you) - are you *sure* this is dementia, and not some other form of mental illness?
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Livinginpee2020 Oct 23, 2020
I am not sure what it is. It’s hard to get her to the docs, especially now with the pandemic living in the city
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How old is your mother?
Is your mother diagnosed with dementia?
You say you are dealing with her for 10 years and that you are in your late 20s, so I am guessing you took on this care at age 20?
You are being told your Mom is not "sick enough" to be checked in, and in fact that may be the case; if your Mom has not been correctly diagnosed she could have some sort of mental disease happening.
As to outer family, and what they judge, quite honestly, who cares? If you care, I would suggest that you stop caring what they say, since there seems enough on your plate.
Step one is diagnosis. Once you know what you are dealing with you go through all the options one at a time. Ultimately you may be down to the ER Dump which is taking Mom to ER and leaving her there with a note that she cannot return to your home as you are not mentally or physically able to care for her. At that point she will likely be made a ward of the State guardianship, and will have placement found by Social Workers. Her assets will be used to her care. You will NOT have choices or input in her placement nor the expenditures of her funds if any.
Wishing you good luck. You need to move on to live a life.
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Livinginpee2020 Oct 23, 2020
She hasn’t reached 50 yet. As for a diagnosis, she’s like the WB frog. When someone new is in town, she’s quiet. When it’s someone she knows, back at it again! I think the good ol Catholic guilt just sets in. Where everything you do is a sin. And we both feel like we are abandoning her. How ever, since signing this lease in the beginning of the month. We have had our own life, grant it it’s a studio, but to just be in peace and not piss. It’s like heaven lol I’m sorry I’m venting again. Thank you for your thoughts and input
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2020 does suck. I don't think you'll hear any arguments about that.

The answer to the question on your profile, not on this page, is yes there WILL be other people in your situation, or very like it.

Your MIL must be young for this - sounds as if she's had the misfortune to be a case of early-onset dementia, yes? When you say you've tried many things, what do those include? And who's advising you - MIL's PCP, neurologist, anyone like that?

Meanwhile, go to alz.org and look under the "Local Resources" tab on their home page - this should take you to support groups near you.
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Livinginpee2020 Oct 23, 2020
she hasn’t reached 60 yet. It sucks to say this, but I don’t think people care. She’s not rich, she’s an immigrant who got her citizenship in the 90s and she’s not white. Sad to say most people here(from my perspective) don’t care. A foreigner is a foreigner.
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If you are in your late 20s how old is MIL. She can't be more than 60?

Yes, they do get like children. Her brain is dying. She has lost the ability to reason and empathize. She thinks and acts more like a 4 yr old. They get self-centered and they are in their own little world because ours is too confusing. It takes longer for them to process what is being said.

Are the meds she takes that important? I wouldn't worry if one is a Cholesterol medication. Any for cognitively? These help in early stages but not so much later on. Blood pressure would be an important one. Check with her doctor which ones could be cut out. If any can be crushed, then you can put it in yogurt or pudding. Maybe liquid form.

If the Caretakers are trained aides, they should be able to get her to shower and change. Tell them and this is for you too, never ask her if she wants to do something, just do it. I found the CNAs at Moms AL doing this. "Miss P do you want to go to the bathroom?" Of course Mom said No. I told them not to ask her, tell her nicely "Come on Miss P, we r going to the bathroom" I never asked my Mom if she wanted a shower or to get dressed. I did these things when I was ready and willing. "Mom, time to get dressed" " Mom time to get a shower".

I am assuming you both hold down jobs. So you come home to dealing with this. The aides should be more sympathetic. The Aunts, if you haven't experienced it then you don't know. So let them judge, ur living it. So, if Mom can afford it, I recommend Memory care. I think she maybe passed Assisted living. But you can have her evaluated. If no money, then you apply for medicaid and its LTC. With my Mom she had been in an AL and money was running out. She paid 2 months privately in LTC (spent her down), this gave me time to apply for Medicaid. 3rd month she had Medicaid.

If the Aunts don't approve, then they can care for Mom. You have lives to live. You can't put ur life on hold indefinitely. And you don't want to bring children into this stress.
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Livinginpee2020 Oct 23, 2020
I have said this so many times! But I think to myself, what would my family say if I “abandoned” my father. She hasn’t reached 60 yet. As for the meds. To my understanding, all she had to do was take one pill a day, but she didn’t, and that just made things worse and now she’s at like 12 or 14 pills a day. If life is just taking care of adult children the moment you turn 18, then don’t sign me up for that man!
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Your MIL obviously needs more care than you can give her.
Sounds like she should be in Memory Care.
The "she's not old enough" or "sick enough" responses you are getting sounds like you are talking to the wrong people or places.
Who is responsible for her? Does someone have Guardianship? If not that is the first step. Once that is done whoever has Guardianship can place her in Memory Care.
If it is family that is resisting and says "she's not old enough or sick enough" then they should be the ones caring for her.
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Livinginpee2020 Oct 23, 2020
It’s places that we have called. As for guardianship, I don’t think anyone has that (Legally) my bride has tried to get power of attorney, because everything that the mother has worked for, should NOT be going to Uncle Sam. And when. The MIL looks over the documents with her lawyer, an hour wasted cause at the end she won’t sign. Someone said something about dropping her off at the ER or something like that, she called 911 once and was taken to the ER and then she checked her self out, and so now you got a little woman in a hospital gown with her a** out in the middle of the winter.
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This is a bad situation for both you and your mother in law, no one involved is getting what they need. Please take steps to change the living arrangements. Your mother in law needs care that is beyond what you can provide. Call your local county Council on Aging and tell them she’s an adult in need of help and has no one to provide it, you can no longer do it. Your mother in law has a progressive disease that she can’t help or control, she’s not choosing her behaviors, and it will get worse. She needs to live in an environment that can provide for her illness. And you need peace back in your home
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Livinginpee2020 Oct 23, 2020
Thank you. I will pass this along to my bride and we will contact them.
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My heart breaks for you! Been there, done that. I had mom living with us for 15 years. You have my empathy! It’s hard being a caregiver.

Of course you need a break.

I wasn’t in my 20’s when my caregiver days began with my parents. That’s really tough.

Tell us a bit more about your situation.

This forum has many participants so hang around to get some feedback.

I am so very sorry that you are dealing with this difficult challenge.
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