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I went to visit my brother and my mom who live together 700 miles away from me in another state. The whole time I was there, all my mom wanted to do was sleep, day and night. I asked my brother if she's always like this and he said yes. But she wasn't like that the last time I visited which was about 6 months ago. She has no known medical issues, but she won't go see a doctor, and my brother won't push for her to go. He says "she's 79 years old, it's just old age, leave her alone." Is he right?

Missbev: In my humble opinion, 79 is not that old these days. Perhaps your mother needs to be examined by her primary care physician and then a specialist if deemed necessary.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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You can take mom to a geriatric psychiatrist to have her evaluated and medicated and to a neurologist for further study. Your brother has given up, so it's time to contact an Elder Law Attorney to see what you can do to effect change. Or, you can join your brother by sticking your head in the sand and enjoy the comfort of denial.

Use the "Golden Rule" and treat her the way you would want to be treated. At least in Assisted Living, they will be with her and help her live (not sleep) the rest of her life.
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Reply to ConnieCaretaker
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If she won't see a doctor how do you know no issues? Dementia people want to sleep. My 95 year old mom wants s to sleep. Sees tons of doctors. I would take her to doctor and also neurologist for psych testing. Senior daycare a couple days a week could brighten her up or a senior center where they can eat and do crafts or play bingo together . Her son could go also.
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Reply to robin4gsltw
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Can your mother cognitively communicate correctly? If so,speak with her and, encourage her to go for a " check up" with PCP while you are there perhaps ( and you can help facilitate). Tell her because you love her and, want to know if there is anything else that ( you) can do and, also you want to be sure that she has everything she needs, you want her to get a " check up". Maybe plan a lunch out or something fun after the appointment to further encourage her. The fact that she presents with decline and
" was not like that six months ago" may clearly be a sign that she does need to be medically, emotionally, psychologically assessed for any needs.
Be sure who the POA is assigned to.

Ask your mother what she wants, needs etc ( this may need to occur w/ o your brother present). You will need to decide.

He and/ or your mother may be in denial about her changes and practicing avoidance is easier for one or both of them. This does not mean that it should be allowed to continue for your mother's safety and we'll being. And further for your peace of mind.

Have your mother medically assessed from all perspectives.

Practice your self care also. And having peace of mind about your mother is one way of caring for yourself.

Best regards
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Reply to janicemeyer18
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Being 79 is irrelevant. Your mother may be bored, depressed, or malnourished even without specific medical issues. Your brother probably wants to leave things as they are because nothing is required of him.
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Reply to RedVanAnnie
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Pretty much that was my father's routine after the age of 75, I think that he was bored, he could stay awake if he was out and about, died at 84. I also thought that his diabetes had something to do with it.

Me, at 76 have an aversion to sleep, up at 7am, down around 11pm, sleep is not my friend, no napping, I keep moving all day, don't want to miss anything! Ha!

I would think that a doctors visit would be in order.
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Reply to MeDolly
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My mom sleeps a lot. When we do things with her, she wears out fairly soon. Just daily routines wear her out. Her vitals are fine and her b12 was more than enough. She has always been anemic so the NuIron 150 was prescribed. It did not change her sleep patterns. So, we accommodate them. She sleeps from after dinner to morning around 8 a.m. or 9. She eats breakfast, walks a bit and is back to bed for her after breakfast nap, then up for a lunch snack and then back to bed for an after lunch nap to get up for a shower or walk or to sit in her chair and get lotions applied, eye drops reapplied and a short walk before dinner for whatever we can get her to eat. Then she is begging for bed again. I believe she is wearing out and the only reasons we keep her moving is to help with digestion, so she can drink her Propel water, keep her strong enough to get up and move on her own so she doesn’t have to have a bedpan and so she can still go to the bathroom avoiding bedsores and weakness. She has no desire to move but she also is aware enough to know she doesn’t want to use the walker/wheelchair and she trusts me. So, bottom line here for us and my recommendation is ….this may be normal for your mom now. Keep her as healthy as you can and let her enjoy the schedule she wants as much as you can. Movement helps with digestion, muscle strength and blood circulation. The doctor told me that mom’s probably stage 4 and 5 and we are doing the best we can without making her life hell for her (which would be exhausting her with more than she can bear). Mom has vascular dementia and is aware, has humor, but no short term memory. Her sleepiness came on suddenly but is now the norm. February 2020 to July 2020, she went from normal to sleeping all night and napping after every meal. When she is up, she is truly engaged and when she is worn out, she is truly resting well. Her doctor recommended keeping her on a schedule so she can have quality sleep and this is it for now.
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Reply to Tandemfun4us
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Sleeping all day is either physical, if a medical condition - at that age even as unexplained as some kind of infection OR just as often mental, such as depression. My Mom would want to sleep in, and it turned out she didn't want to face the world. She was embarrassed about her incontinence. Turned out that the person most worried about her sleeping in would shame her about her incontinence, and shaming those letting her sleep in. In those early days, letting her sleep in was also the easy thing to do since we were not yet strong in our ways. We mitigated all that, gave her reasons to get up, changed our perspective to wanting to put in the effort once she got up, and her sleeping in went away. She lived a full life. Mitigating obstacles to quality of life is a constant.
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Reply to SueGood
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My wife 79 sleeps a lot too she has MS and dementia and can not walk or stand. physically nothing wrong except her will to recover. She is in a lot of pain too. I just let her sleep I feel
when she is sleeping there is less pain and she is more comfortable. If I get her up for a doctors appt or to visit family it is too much for her and she will really sleep a lot the next few days. It’s just normal. Everyone is different.
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Reply to Sample
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I think for any age it’s not fair to always say age is the answer. Any change in anyone of all ages should be checked out. U never know the issue at hand could be. It could be mental, physical some could be getting abused . It could be anything. Please just intervene. When in doubt check it out. What u see is what it is. If ur questioning anything I don’t have to ask what u should do. Do it. It’s ur Spiritual intuition telling u to HELP The Person. God Bless u and ur Family.
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Reply to Candyapple
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No, mom maybe depressed or havd a sleeping condition or something else. Is there a way for a doctor to do a house visit when ur there. Don’t tell them he’s or she’s coming but the week ur there so they can do bloodwork. That or u could set up an appointment or take her to the hospital act like it’s just u and her going to a place for women only so bro will not try to come. I think u should help men r not like women they don’t push and prop like women.
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Reply to Candyapple
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Missbev, welcome to the forum. Time for your Mom to have some blood tests done, which include test for vitamin levels. Your Mom could be low on B12. I am around your Mom's age, and I have to add a B12 vitamin daily or I would be sleeping all the time.

If your Mom won't go to see a doctor, time to pull out the "therapeutic fibs" such as saying to keep her Medicare she needs to have a physical once a year. Some people have a fear of the unknown, so they keep putting off going to see a doctor.
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Reply to freqflyer
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Sounds like your brother has the ostrich syndrome: keeps his head buried in the sand all day attributing mom's odd behavior to 'just old age' at 79, which isn't all THAT old these days! My mother was 95 with advanced dementia and congestive heart failure and stayed awake all day long but for a few catnaps here & there.

If mom has had a sudden change in her habits like this, she should definitely be taken to the doctor by your brother. Of course, he can't force her to go, but he should strongly urge a visit to her PCP since he lives with her. That's my advice. And of course she 'has no known medical issues' since she won't go to the doctor to know what issues are going on in the first place!

Best of luck getting through to your brother.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Missbev Nov 21, 2022
Thank you! I feel like she is too young to be this tired all the time for no reason too. Like if she was in her 90s then I could understand...
(3)
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It's not normal for someone your moms age with no medical issues to want to sleep all day. Perhaps your mom is suffering from depression, and that should be addressed by a medical professional. Or there may be some other underlying medical issue that needs to be addressed as well.
Unfortunately you can't make your mom go to the doctor if she doesn't want to, but since it's your brother that lives with her, he should at least encourage her to make an appointment with her GP, to try and figure out what exactly is going on.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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