My husband and I moved into his grandmothers home to help to take care of her so she didn’t have to go to a nursing home, and the first week went great but then suddenly after we started her pt and they instructed us to have her walk more and for her to reach for her own water, or remote, and have her lift her own legs up etc and we started to do that, she started getting really nasty towards us, even the pt guy. She gets an attitude and starts raising her voice at us, then she started giving our dog her snacks she gets before bed and feeds at her the table even though we have asked her and told her not to do so because our dog gets sick and she deliberately did it again right in front us, and one time she had a cookie in bed and when my mother in law saw her trying to give it to our dog again, she told her no, and she threw the cookie across the room and told her she will do what she wants. This is just one example of her behavior and we are shocked! We have only been here now 3 weeks and I honestly don’t understand what’s happening and why she suddenly is getting verbally abusive towards us. The second week she would page us every hour morning and night saying she had to go to the bathroom and more then half that time she didn’t go. It just seems like she is purposely doing all these things once pt told us to have her do more things on her own and stop running in every second of the day just to change a channel or hand her her water stuff like that. We then Installed a cam and seen when we’re not in the same area of the house, she is able to reach for all these things on her own and sit up from her medical bed no problem, she has a bedside table that sits over her side as well. I keep a log daily and all her bathroom times, food, water, snacks, meds, and now moods. We also noticed, since having her do more things on her own, she starts making up things, lies about things, yet everything is on video, and she still continues to lie. This is all new to us, we also have a toddler and a preteen we have to care for while caring for her, but she continues to make things difficult on us, and this past week, she stopped paging us suddenly, so we go in every two hours to check on her, then she yells at us bc she says she shouldn’t have to page us if she needs something, and we have told her, she has to page us if she needs anything or use the bathroom etc bc when we’re not tending to her we have the kids and the pets, the housework, yard work, prepping food, laundry and so on, which most of it falls on me bc my husband works long 12hr shifts. She disagrees that she should have to page us. It seemed once she doesn’t get it her way, the way she wants things or expects things, or if you don’t agree with something, then her mood changed and she now is nasty to us. This is emotionally upsetting. Does anyone else experience this and any suggestions for us to make this situation better? Should I mention this to her doctor? I keep managing it but it does affect me emotionally, like it feels like I’m going through verbal and emotional abuse from her. Is this just a normal process at her age?

does grandma have dementia? dementia can end up showing all kinds of bizarre behavior. sometimes people can appear normal during short visits, until you are spending long periods of time together. then the truth comes out.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to wally003

Unless you are totally destitute and will be homeless if you leave, you need to move out. C is right. Grandma is a nasty little tyrant who is ruining your lives and damaging your children. Your profile says “General age related decline”. Has she been evaluated for dementia or has she always been like this? Her behavior is very indicative of dementia/Alzheimer’s. And it will only get worse. She needs to see a neurologist for a diagnosis and get her on some meds.

Is this your MIL’s mother? She lives in Grandma’s house as well? Was it her idea that you all care for Grandma? Did you understand what you were getting into when you moved in? Did you do it out of pity for your MIL?

Time has come for you to tell MIL that Grandma needs to be in a facility. Help her apply for Medicaid if Grandma doesn’t have the funds to pay. In the meantime, when Grandma is eating, let the dog outside or put her in a separate room or you will have vet bills to pay. If you witness Grandma feeding the dog, swipe the food out of her hand and tell Grandma “NO!” If she’s acting like a misbehaving child, you need to treat her like one.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Ahmijoy

What was the reason you and H agreed to this abusive situation? Was it to get free rent? Where is your MIL in all of this?

MOVE OUT before you become even more entrenched in the situation than you already are. YOU are being abused, and this is a very unhealthy environment for the two children. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. 

So Grandma doesn't want to go to a nursing home? TOO BAD. She doesn't get to make the decision when she is ruining other lives!
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to CTTN55

Is she completely bedridden? Can you get her up into a wheelchair or recliner so she has more interaction and doesn’t have to page you? Maybe she calls you because she’s lonely? Does she need a lift? What does PT say? How was she dealing before you/husband/kids/pets moved into her house? Was she living alone or with some caregivers? The elderly can be pretty set in their ways (understatement!) and she may be rebelling against the influx of people and PT and rules that are starting to annoy her. Is this possible? Can you give us more info on how she managed in the past?
The other thing I thought of when you said she calls to go to the bathroom but nothing happens, you may want to check her for a UTI. They affect the elderly much differently than younger folks. Frequent potty runs and behavior changes are some signs. They rarely get the pain that we get. That might be worth checking as well.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to rocketjcat

Yes and no regarding behavior but in your situation with young children in the house it is beyond a nightmare and very damaging. It still would be without them there. I would hope you might be able to find any remedy to remove her to a facility. This will not improve as witness to countless stories on this site. You have your lives to live and unless this family member was the sweetest and most docile person your home will quickly become unbearable. I very much hope you can remove her from your home and yes I would tell anyone involved in her medical issues.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Riverdale

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