Hi there. I am curious as to possible reasons why nobody in my family is interested in making home improvements? Not my siblings and not the family i created for myself with my husband. Is it because of my "tone" ?
Or is it a modern social shift in lifestyle values, or simply somehow the result of bad parenting which enabled children to grow up without a natural inclination to be helpful when asked by parents and elders. Or bad parenting as far as me and my husband not modeling the appropriate dialogue between us to show our kids an example of us helping each other? There is no automatic intrinsic desire for spouse or children to be attuned to assist with home improvement projects to make the space work better? Not 15 years ago and not now when the grandparents came to live with us. I know when i was a child, i would automatically offer my assistance to anyone young or old. At least i think i did for the most part gravitate toward helping and babysitting. My parents modelled fighting and never collaborating with each other. Yet i still feel the motivation to create an integrated family or at least try to. In my current family with my husband and my kids, it seems that home improvements are just not considered something that would improve life. I feel it would because it would reduce tracking in dirt, remove trip hazards from wobbling pavers, prevent bikes from getting rusty being left outside if they could fit in the shed with hook in the cieling, emptying the containers in the yard that fill up with rain water and become mosquito breeding grounds. Getting help with what movies and boxes of books and magazines we can donate or sell. Boxes of outdated electronics. All this is something i feel i can do on my own but now i can not because my attention is divided with domestic work and being a caregiver for my dad pushing 95 and very energetic. My mom recently passed from dementia, swallowing difficulty causing dehydration. The grown sons room is a pigs pen despite my many requests that he arrange his space in a way that best utilizes the square footage instead of using the floor as the closet. (yes he does work in a good job) He has begun to be more connected to his granpa, and i have offered to arrange his room to make the space better arranged to store more of this things. But he refuses and does not know how to do it. I asked if he wants my help but he said no. I understand but his stuff is bleeding out into the main area. It seems my husband is just not interested and prefers to watch soccer or leave on bike rides rather than follow up on clutter purging or improving the spaces. It feels like it takes 5 years to do one smallest improvement. If i try and ask or suggest politely if such and such can be done before the gutter erosion causes the sidewalk to cave in, this is met with deaf ears. So i just give up. I use to do stuff like fix the uneven pavers myself at 2 am after everyone was asleep. Now i just begun to ignore it. I have attempted to hire someone to do some of the home improvements but it required my attention and i was caring for my mom who was aging in the home and with hospice only in the mornings. She passed shortly there after. Now i am out of state to bring my father back to his home to stay with my brother and the same thing has also happened there. My brother is not interested in any home improvement and prefers living in clutter. He blame it all on being unable to tackle the challenge and needs to see all his belongings out in the open. Can not do dressers or cabinets or drawers. He blames this refusal to make the organization a priority on my dad being abusive to our mother and my brother having had to witness the bad behavior of my father. That his brain can not process solutions that are not relevant to him. I was hoping to get a break myself after 12 years of back and forth care and oversight of my parents and another disabled relative. I realize this is a traditional way
Time to tell your son its moving time. You are taking your house back. Tell DH and son you are going to start throwing things out. And if son moves, do not let him store his stuff at your house. He can pay to have it stored or get rid of it. Maybe time to place Dad.
You just got to take the bull by the horns.
This disabled relative how do you help them and what is their disability? I ask because I oversee a disabled nephew. He is capable of living alone but just need to be checked on. I handle his money. I have been able to find programs to help him.
I can't rely on my children to help me with anything going on in my home. Why? Because they have homes of their own to deal with. Jobs, a child, dogs, hobbies, significant others, a wife, etc etc. They have their own home improvements to deal with so I don't ask them to come over here to help me paint or organize the clutter/stuff I've accumulated of my own volition. They left my home after they finished college, basically, and wanted to start lives of their own. It would drive me crazy to have them living with me and my husband, and it would especially drive me crazy to also have our parents living here! I know for a fact I don't have the inner fortitude (or the desire) to have all those people living with me and to be doing all that caregiving!
Perhaps think about asking your grown adult children to either move out, help you with chores, or pay room and board every month if they want to continue living with you. It's good for them to know life's not free. Maybe that will be a good first step to teaching them responsibility and taking some burden off of your shoulders! That extra income can go towards hiring someone to help you with these home improvements, if that would make you feel happy.
And finally, if you are outside at 2 am rearranging pavers, you may want to look within at what's going on that drives you to do such a thing. What can you take OFF of your plate to declutter your LIFE and your MIND right now? Nobody is Superwoman or Superman and we can't do it all. Don't try to; give yourself a break.
Wishing you the best of luck in finding peace.
But also if he is working is he contributing to the household? How much rent is he paying? What are his chores?
I have a young adult son who is not house proud to say the least, but he does attempt to tidy up when I visit. He lives in a family cabin and I am there every 2 weeks or so. He doe snot pay rent, but does pay the utilities and has to buy his own firewood.
Why on earth would you be fixing pavers at 2 am? That is weird, unsafe and sounds like passive aggressive behaviour.
If you are home owners there are chores to be done, that is a fact of life. There is also annual and periodic maintenance that needs to be attended to. But you do not need to micromanage those you hire to do a job. I have hired folks to do a variety of jobs around my house. We talk on the phone about what needs doing and I get a general quote. When they arrive I show them where the job is, then let them work unimpeded. They tell me when the job is completed, I pay them. My involvement is 10-15 minutes tops.
Some folk seem to be 'if it ain't broke don't fix it' while other are more 'rainy day planners'. Neither is right or wrong but discussing each other's view can be illuminating.
Is this your house? If so & it's a priority for you ask your spouse to discuss it.
Or is the maintenance on your parent's house?
Your brother does not sound like someone who should be living with your Dad. Is the home brother is living in Dads? Who is POA because that person can take Dads money and do improvements.
If I were you, I may just walk away and let all the men in your family fend for themselves.
The only person you can control is yourself. It is apparent others in your family are not interested in what's important to only you, so maybe moving on to more important things would be wise and fruitful and maybe keep the peace in your home, which is more important than "organization".