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Hi and first off I am new here and I am somewhat of a new caregiver for my Dad whom is 87 years young. I have been caring for him ever since this whole pandemic thing has started back in March which was the same time I just got laid off of a new job.


To go on to the story, my older brother came by to visit my Dad and I. I am already aware of his repetitiveness, but my brother is new to it. My Dad said something to my brother repeating it 4 times within a time span of maybe 20 minutes. Later on after my brother left he texted me that my Dad repeated the same thing to him 4 times and I'm like...yes he always repeats the same stuff and tells me the same stories, he's getting older.


But should it also be a problem for me too to recognize that?


Now I'm wondering if my brother will start to blame me for not caring for him properly because of his repetitiveness because he is not used to seeing my Dad like that?


Should I feel like I'm doing something wrong with my Dad or?


Can someone please give me some advice on this?
Thanks in advance.

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Caregiver510,

Try, try not to borrow trouble by imagining what someone will be thinking at all, much less that they may be thinking ill of you.

Focus, stay right there in your own brain, stay out of others brains.
Just let that stuff go, because actually doing the caregiving has enough trouble of it's own.

Today, take yourself a short break, maybe a shower to wash away that impending burnout if you do not get some more short breaks, and some good food. A good talk with your new friends on aging care forum.

Be kinder to yourself, imo. 🍌🥣🥑🧇
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Caregiver510 Nov 3, 2020
Thank you so much!
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Does your Dad have some dementia diagnosed? If not this could be very early stages of it.
You say you are caring for him since the pandemic. Does that mean he lived independently alone before that, and you recently moved in with him?
How much do you and bro know and understand about dementia, the different types and the symptoms. There is so much GREAT information, both on Care Topics on this site (go to timeline above and access topics), and on the internet in general.
Forgetfulness, especially short term, like what you ate or watched on TV yesterday, are common to aging mind and to dementias. So is repeating things. This isn't anything you have done, but I am curious about why you would feel you "have done something".
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Caregiver510 Nov 3, 2020
Hello and thank you for responding. My Das has not been diagnosed with Dementia. And yes, well he had a live in girlfriend but I moved out here to be with him before the pandemic to help him out.
I don't know why I feel like I've done something wrong maybe because he's my responsibility now and I just feel responsible about everything that is going on with him.
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Don't put the cart before the horse. Don't be concerned that your brother will blame you for dad's seemingly forgetfulness. At this point I would meet with your brother and talk about what you both see as a change in dad's remembering. Come to an agreement that you should bring it to dad's attention. Maybe he (dad) already suspects something isn't right. Suggest to dad that you need to look into the cause by seeing his doctor. I wouldn't mention anything about dementia because more than likely dad will deny that and not agree to a drs visit and at this point we don't even know the cause of his memory issues. You don't mention mom, but if she is in the picture she needs to be in this conversation also. So don't jump to conclusions, address the problem matter of factly with dad, and make a drs appt.
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Caregiver510 Nov 3, 2020
Thank you so much. My Mom is here but not as involved as she should be which I am kind of upset about.
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It s great that you do not let dad's repeating get to you. It is part of being a caregiver. It will get worse, much worse. Your brother may or may not also get to that point. Or he may be an impatient person that just will not be able to tolerate it, not caregiver material.

How was dad being watched over before your layoff? Do you continue to look for work? Will dad be able to care for himself? Is there a plan if he cannot? You need to think about yourself and preparing for your own retirement years.

Are the documents in place? Powers of attorney, will, final wishes, DNR, etc? Would dad be able to pay you for Care? You need a contract for that so payment to you does not appear to be a gift to Medicaid should dad need it. Too many people start into caregiving without understanding what should be taken care of.

See an elder law attorney to help get everything setup. If you wait too long, a court process would be required to be able to manage dad's care.

We use lots of acronyms around here. This is a link to a listing of most of the common ones.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/common-caregiving-abbreviations-and-acronyms-435589.htm
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Caregiver510 Nov 3, 2020
Thank you so much!
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It sounds as though your brother was shocked to realise that Dad is ageing, wonders if you have paid attention to it, and whether Dad is getting any treatment that he needs. I’m sure that you are doing the best you can, and in fact doing a great job, but it’s come as a surprise to brother. Perhaps it’s a wake-up call for you both to share what’s going on, and continue to make plans for the future as things change. Being on the same page as your brother is important.

There is a lot of information on this site, and some of it might be a good place to start. To find them, click on ‘Care Topics’ on the top right of the screen, and an alphabet comes up. Click on D for Dementia (or the right letter for any other relevant topic), and you will find articles, plus old questions and discussions. For example, this is an article about warning signs for early dementia.

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/alzheimers-disease-dementia-warning-signs-144253.htm

Best wishes, Margaret
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Welcome to the forum.

Of course it isn’t you. In no way are you responsible for your father repeating himself.

Why would your brother feel as if you are responsible for your dad’s behavior? He is probably trying to come to terms with the changes that are occurring.

Do you feel comfortable explaining your father’s decline to your brother or do you think it would be better to hear about it from your dad’s doctor if dad has no objection?

Or possibly recommend reading material to your brother that explains his condition.

Best wishes to you and your family.
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Caregiver510 Nov 3, 2020
Thank you so much!
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Your brother is alarmed because your father is showing signs of dementia. As your father's caregiver, you have already noticed these symptoms but they haven't affected your ability to provide good care.

I don't think it sounds as though your brother is questioning your standard of care, more as though he is concerned to know more about your father's state of health. Repetitive questioning, in the way that your describe it, is not just a normal part of aging; so is this something you have asked your father's doctor about?
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Caregiver510 Nov 3, 2020
Thank you so much I will look more into this with his doctor!
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