This is my first post. I've been reading and following this site for a few months now. Since I'm at my wits end, I thought maybe I'd go the the 'experts' (all of you) for advice.
My Mother moved in with me almost 2 years ago. At that time, she was suffering from extreme arthritis in her hip, and mobility was almost impossible. We saw a couple of Doctors who both said no one would do a hip replacement given her age (79) plus she's a smoker. On top of that she quit cold turkey her anti depressants which put her in a full panic attack/depression mode for 3 weeks. So, I moved her in thinking that she would be with me for a short period of time before she HAD to go to AL because she would be immobile with the arthritis. (I would not have been able to care for her around the clock). We finally found a surgeon who would do a hip replacement, and it was a miracle for her. She started back on her anti depressants and her panic subsided, but I'm pretty sure that there is no drug to cure her depression since it is self imposed.
Fast forward one year after surgery, she still lives with me, and I am going mad.
She is controlling, manipulative, dependent, guilt tripper, boundary- less, toxic. A complete Narcissist.
I've watched her mentally abuse our family ever since I can remember and I'm having a hard time even looking at her, much less talk to her.
I am her butler, house keeper, errand guy, health care organizer, taxi service, social organizer, finance keeper, check writer...really, you name it, I'm it. She is not handicap, and her mind for the most part is till there. I can see she's slipping, but she is far from being unable to be somewhat independent and responsible, participatory. She just chooses to let someone else do everything for her. She expects it and always has.
I have stopped doing everything for her, but that comes with the co-dependent guilt trip. I'm sure many of you can relate to this.
This past week I lost it...After I finished my (and hers) Christmas shopping, wrapping, cooking and cleaning she asked me to make dinner. Now this may not seem like much, however, I work full time, (2 hour total commute),
take care of my home, yard, take care of 99% of her needs, (no help from sibs) try to have a social life, spend time with my kids blah blah blah. So for someone who sat home all day watching CNN, and then had the nerve to ask me to cook dinner - did she really expect me NOT to blow a gasket?
I did, and I said almost everything how I feel. Now I feel guilty, bad about myself. And then I shift gears to not caring. Not only is she driving me mad, I'm doing it to myself.
It's crazy how Mom will appear to be "helpless' until a fight ensues, and then believe me - she is capable. I think she quite enjoys a good fight.
I'm on the verge of telling her to find her own place and someone else to wait on her, that I'm resigning my post.
Neither my brother or sister have the financial means or room to take her in, and if they did, they wouldn't since they know the madness. They've told me such.... they hardly even visit.
Here are my options - 1 - continue living like this 2 - make her move to my basement - she won't want to do this 3 - find a new home. How do I do this without feeling like a terrible person, without guilt?
Option 2 is most likely at this point, she is not eligible for Medicare, and really where would she go? I care enough to make sure that she is taken care of, but I just can't be and do everything for her anymore. I need my space, independence, privacy. She is not at the point where she can't do for herself, but I know her, and she will start putting on the act. ARGGGHH!
How does one TELL their Mother how things are going to be without getting sucked in?