Is it me having a pity party or has anyone else experienced this?

Singing my song!  I wasn't a caregiver for five people, but I wound up cleaning out 5 homes of relatives who died, am currently the care giver for my mom, and I told my husband I had spent a career of caring for sick people, and I didn't want to have to take care of him on top of it, so don't get sick.  He already has his mind made up to leave me anyway, so he did after 20 years of marriage, and after I raised his son for him as well.  He retired mid-school year, so I suspected it was due to health reasons that he did that.  However, my replacement who was encouraging this dumping of me is high maintenance.  She's just waiting for him to die so that she can have the money.  Hope they stay together a VERY long time!  They are made for each other!

I’m caring for my 91 year old mom with alz The physical strength it takes working with her (only 125lb) is unbelievable. I know there is no way I could care for my husband if he would not be able to stand or roll himself in bed. My parents told me what nursing home they wanted many years ago. I have told my kids it okay for me to be in nursing home
Only you know what you can handle Do what works for you. No guilt
Hugs

Oh dear! Your husband's lack of understanding and compassion when you needed to grieve for your mother is painful. There is no "should get over it" in grieving. You need as much time and space as it takes. Arriving and grieving both requires lot of energy. You must be exhausted. You may have fallen and injured yourself b/c you subconsciously knew you needed a break. If your husband needs caregiving before you do, and if it have the resources, you should involve hired help as much as possible so you don't have to combine caregiving with hurt and resentment. I feel so sad for you. I am glad you have used this forum to "vent."

You may be experiencing “transference.” Basically, you might be transferring your feelings of anger and frustration and grief onto your husband. You have not grieved the loss of your mother yet. Compound that with the continuous burdens you mentioned above.

Sounds like your reactions are a mix of feelings: unresolved grief for mom, caregiver burn out, and woes from putting everything before your marriage. Your hubby is hurting too, for your to reconnect with him. Your husband has probably dived deeper into being pragmatic - which is his coping mechanism and his personality. You seem to have a "relationship-oriented" personality and your inner world has taken a beating. Find a Griefshare group online or at a local place of worship. These folks help each other through the grieving process. I also suggest that you talk with your husband about how caring for Aunt's needs and nurturing your marriage needs can both be met in satisfactory ways.

Oh dear. I hear warning bells going off. What age is he and has he always been like this. Only concerned with work. Little or no empathy. Leaves you to do EVERYTHING because “ I have to work”. Does he always have to have a project? Was he always refurbishing and changing your old house.

Your DH doesn't handle 'emotions' well..........he's afraid of them. Afraid of what YOUR emotions may do to you. That they may kill you or cripple you or send you screaming into the night. So he minimizes them. Tells you to 'get over' the death of your mother as if it were no big deal, you had her for so many years, after all. He was so deathly afraid you'd fall into a deep dark depression after her passing that he forced the speedy clean out and sale of her home, to keep you 'busy' and 'preoccupied' so you'd have no time to think or to grieve. He feels like if you sweep things under the rug, under the rug they'll stay, so life can go on 'as if' nothing bad ever happened. Now you fell and broke some bones and are in need of help, which also scares the living HELL out of him. You are HIS rock, not the other way around! What is HE going to do without YOU now? Again, fear is at the root of his harsh words, not lack of love or caring (in my humble opinion).

Take a different approach to what's happening here, my friend. If you view his behavior as Fear based rather than Not Giving A Damn, I think you'll see things differently. That's not to say it's okay how he's acting or what he's saying..........it's not. It's just explaining WHY. It's up to you to make him understand, after 45 years of marriage, why you deserve to be treated better and in a much kinder way, regardless of his fear. He can be business like and emotionless all day long with his coworkers, but with YOU, he needs to soften up and give you what YOU need. Nobody deserves to be rushed through grief, or to have serious issues pooh-poohed away or swept under the rug. The negative effects WILL come out one day, and he REALLY won't like THAT outcome!!

Wishing you all the best of luck and lots of peace, dear woman.

Yes, you took on too much at one time. Doesn't Aunt have her own family, if so, time for them to step up. It can't always be you. My GF is killing herself taking care of a husband she had been estranged from. He should be in a NH but no, she is going to care for him. TG her business is in her home.

Everyone grieves differently. Your husband is a realist. So is mine. This can be good and he thought he was helping.

My Mom was 89 with Dementia. I was there thru it all and was so relieved I didn't have to worry about her and all that went along with her care. I miss her at certain times, like the pew at Church.

If possible, find someone else to take over Aunts care. Take a little trip by yourself. You have a new home to enjoy and hopefully back on track with husband. This is your time.

Hi CaringRN,

After my career military brother died of testicular cancer in 2015, I had a very hard time with PTSD. After 2 years of caring for him an through hospice, which I do not recommend for the uninitiated b/c you are still on the front line of caring the for dying loved one and it took up to 45 min for the nurse to show up while my brother was in screaming, intense pain that I could not control with the meds. Or abscesses bursting and excessive, uncontrolled bleeding. And that I gave him what was his last dose of medication and watched him stop breathing. I have to allow a for the days that are filled with grief and more emotionally intense.

Then mom broke her hip in 2017 at age 87 and I became her caregiver. Surgery went good, rehab not so much. She has been bedridden since and my father is down to 128 lbs (6''1") skin and bones + 2 caregivers are not enough. Father has been diagnosed with leukemia. They will not discuss NH, AL and I had to hire the caregivers myself.

Really, there is only so much we can do. But to watch your family disintegrate requires the help of professionals and therapy. Please reach out for both.

[[hugs]] !

You will not find any badgering here. You need to take care of yourself or there will not be anything left for anyone else. You sound like you are feeling guilty? Why? Boundaries are good and it sounds like you are through with caregiving and that is very ok.

CaringRN,

I get it. Grief is important. It’s not healthy not to go through the stages. You were counting on your husband for support and feel let down. You are entitled to feel as you do. Acknowledging your feelings is a good thing.

It’s really hard to go from one tough situation straight into another one without a breather.

I hope that things will ease up for you soon. You can vent anytime.

I think everyone has had disappointment at one time or another with a spouse. No one has a perfect spouse. Nor have we been the perfect mate.

I think it was absolutely fine to express your feelings to him. That’s better than bottling it up inside and then exploding later. You sound like you are reasonable, intelligent, thoughtful, yet you have had an overflowing plate for long enough. Things are bound to spill over from time to time.

As soon as you can, take some time for yourself to reflect and hopefully things will become more clear to you. Sometimes it is hard to see things clearly when you are right smack in the middle of it.

I wish you well. Take care. Hugs!

Snap re 5 family members over 27 years. My partner has Aspergers so can be very insensitive and uncaring it feels at times. I would point out you sound like you are quite severely depressed. ( Not a bit surprising given all the circumstances).

I would speak to your doctor, sometimes cognitive therapy and or medication short term can really help. Plus, if you can, and I know it’s very hard to, learn a new hobby or take up an old one, where you meet others without your husband about. Something that has nothing to do with caregiving.

A change can be as good as a rest, and a change in people you meet may do wonders for your esteem. Be kind to yourself - treats don’t have to cost money. I love sitting watching the sun set over the water....

i shall be thinking of you

I don’t blame you for feeling hurt and disappointed. It sounds as if spouse let you down when you really needed some extra TLC. And you have had more than your share of major stressors in the last few years!

What did your husband say when you let him know how you felt? Did he blow off what you said? Mine tends to do that with me. I wonder whether he believes me when I’m hurt by something he says. I have to say it’s rare that he does it. But sometimes I wonder who I married, and whom does he think HE married?

Thank you Gershun, Sendhelp, Ahmijoy for listening to me. Ahmijoy, about telling my husband about my feelings- I have but presently, I feel apathetic. I don't even cry anymore. Not a good sign, I know.

I understand what you are saying. Although, I am nowhere near having to worry about these things yet I've often wondered how caring for my hubs would be. When we were told my mom was dying and it would be just a matter of time he says "let's go grocery shopping" then has a temper tantrum in the store cause they didn't have his favorite bread. And no, I don't think this is his way of dealing with sadness. So before anybody goes down that road with me.

He has even told me that he doesn't think he'll even cry when his parents die. Not a pillar of strength by any means.

So Caringrn I totally understand where you are coming from.

When I cry I go off by myself.

It is not self-pity to be having to face reality.

I understand completely. For 45 years I have felt I am the only one who is married. Hubby was always far more devoted to his family than to me. He even told them we’d take on the care of his mentally challenged sister without asking me. (After my epic anger meltdown he changed his mind) He handled everything. He hid our finances from me. Our bills were even sent to his office. When we’d been married for 8 years and had two very young children, he cheated on me and I’m not stupid enough to think it was the only time. Now, he is bedridden and I do everything for him but feed him. He is a narcissist and doesn’t understand (or approve of) what stress I’m under handling 100% of everything and working part time at the age of 65. He didn’t want to understand what it was like to care for my mother who was difficult to say the least. During the time I cared for her, I discovered my grandfather had committed suicide when I was 12. I’d always believed what I’d been told, that he had a heart attack. My husband told me to get over it, that it had happened 50 years previous and I had no reason to be devastated after all that time.

He’s never done anything to help me or take care of me when I’ve been sick or after surgeries. When I had a gall bladder attack, I was in such pain I crawled into the bedroom on my hands and knees and practically begged him to take me to the hospital. I mentioned the only relief I got was when I was lying down. He told me to “go lay down then” and went back to sleep. I had to call an ambulance. I almost died from the infection.

Instead of stewing in your own juices, either talk to your husband when you feel you can be calm and non-accusatory, or if that’s not possible, go talk to someone else, like a therapist. Your husband, like mine, acts this way because he always has and you’ve been so busy care-taking and perhaps, like me, he feels he’s had to handle all this on his own because you’ve been preoccupied. He’s gotten away with it and believes it’s ok. He needs to know it’s not. Know what you want to say and even practice in the car by yourself before you speak to him. Don’t engage in arguments. Walk away if one starts. Good luck. Like I said, I understand.