My 57 year old sister was a caregiver to our mother until her death. The last 5 years of caregiving were tough for her as my mother needed assistance to get on a pot to use the bathroom, with bathing, etc. She did this task on her own (with limited help from my dad) as she divorced and moved back in with our parents at age 22. I married and moved 900 miles away with my husband due to Hurricane devastation in my hometown. I appreciate her care of my mother so much and regularly express it.
My parents’ paid for home is worth $200,000 and I have never felt that I should have any portion of it. She deserves to keep the house. I have my own home and a working husband. I also feel she deserves a larger portion than me of the $600,000 cash portion of the estate.
My father is now 80 and so far in good health. I have suggested that she sell their home (with her keeping the proceeds) and they move in with me (previously my mother could not be moved as she did not want to reestablish doctors). Then, I could assist with my father’s care when it becomes necessary. I truly want to do my share.
Having the upkeep and bills related to one home rather than 2 would enable my father’s 600k to go further in caring for him. Upon his death, I believe it is fair that she receive a larger portion of the remaining funds for her care of my mother.
My sister does not see it this way. She is willing to move in with me and accept my help (albeit my father is not on board yet because of it being so far away for his hometown), but she believes she is entitled to the entire estate and any decisions with respect to it. Whilst I receive nothing and no decision making ability.
Of course, everyone desires to receive money, but I truly feel unloved by her and, more damagingly to my emotions, by my parents, more than I care about the money. My husband manages a hospital...I am not exactly in need of anything. But, the fact that I have been disinherited by both my parents (with whom I have never had a problem with) makes me feel invisible...I was not given so much as a lamp personally by them in their wills. The entire estate is left to my sister and she gets to decide whether or not I get anything even down to a lamp. While I do believe she would give me a lamp, as my parents’ child this is hurtful beyond words.
When I asked my dad about it he says that was to make sure my sister gets it and not my husband if I die. However, my husband is not that type of man. Even if my husband was a greedy individual, both states (my sister’s and mine) view an inheritance as separate not community property. The will also could have been worded that I receive some smaller portion, but in the event I predeceased my parents my portion would go to my sister.
As I mentioned my mother recently died. My sister gave me one of her rings. Before I could even place it on my hand she felt the need to tell me that momma asked her if she wanted it, but she decided I could have it. I could not help but feel sad. I asked my sister if she thought telling me that made me feel good. She said well how could momma give you anything without asking me since I am the caregiver. Really? The woman gave birth to me and I am a decent human being. I am disinherited from everything and I cannot feel good about a ring. I could not be left to believe on some level my mother truly wanted me to have it?
We then went thru some personal effects like clothing and costume jewelry. I took about three dress, a few shoes and a few pairs of earrings. With each item I asked if she wanted it as told her I did not feel entitled to anything she wanted out of respect for her care. I did feel, however, that if she did not want something I should be given first choice of my mother’s things over my sister’s friend. She gave a broach to her friend without so much as showing it to me,
Am I wrong to feel pained in this way? I would love to hear from caregivers.
