I really need to prevent my mom's access to the refrigerator for her own health. Is it legal to lock the fridge?

I read your profile too.

I wonder if you're under additional pressure because of your professional background. Just like the doctor's children always being the ones who are ill, I can only imagine how desperate the idea of your mother's care not being 100% brilliant must make you. You are, like it or not, a bit of a role model. Your higher level of expertise does mean that people will be watching you to see how it's done; and I don't envy you one bit.

But, especially because of your professional background, is it maybe time to have the quality of life debate with yourself? That is, with yourself and with others you trust - your mother's doctor, maybe colleagues, people you network with and whose opinions you respect?

Your mother, you say, is competent but wilful. You could say that about any person who smokes, drinks to excess, eats to excess, fails to take sufficient exercise… She is taking risks that many, if not most (it's most), adults take with their health. It's only a matter of degree.

The key difference, of course, is that you feel responsible for her welfare. Are you? In fact? And how far?

If no, then she can eat and drink what she likes. You can advise, you can provide a high quality diet, you can encourage and educate and inform. But you cannot decide.

If yes, then by all means lock your refrigerator if you judge that best. Your house, your responsibility, your decision. The only thing is, then: what are you trying to achieve? It isn't very likely, even if you do take that or similar steps, that you will be able to get your mother to A1 fitness. If you can get her to healthy and happy, then it's worth it. But slightly healthier and miserable? I wouldn't see that as a good enough reason to take away more of her autonomy.

I don't think you're going to cure boredom in three weeks. If she is snacking for that reason, is there anything else that could be done to divert her? Any voluntary organisations in the area that provide befriending services, outings, just something to occupy her?

I'd also look for resources online to find no-holds-barred pictures of diabetic complications and pin those up in the kitchen. Go to diabetes.org as a start - they also have an 'in my community' section which might have helpful ideas. If the threat of a nursing home made her shape up (briefly, alas), then surely amputation, blindness… get as gory as you like.

I'm curious about her computer usage. Is there any room for negotiation on that? If it's your computer you can just sell it and make her go cold turkey… wishful thinking, I guess? But it might be worth taking a closer look at what she's getting out of that chat room and seeing if you can't wean her onto something parallel that doesn't keep her immobile for so many hours at a time. Deadly.

You can get washable absorbent pads, by the way, on a practical point, to go on chairs. They're not expensive, hold up to a litre of fluid and save a lot of tears before bedtime. You wouldn't pick 'em for your loose covers, but there's a choice of colours so they don't have to look terrible.

Perhaps the one key thing is to remember that you do not have to carry all of this responsibility alone. Even if your mother were not competent - and I can't agree that making foolish choices is proof of dementia - you might feel more comfortable remembering that there is a whole community of people who will gladly support you; and I would have thought the diabetic community above all will get how difficult this challenge is.

Truly, I do understand how it feels to feel responsible for someone who Will Not Comply - for no good reason, yet! - and it is torment; but don't set yourself impossible goals for how much improvement you can achieve. It'll drive you round the bend and, worse, make you angry with your mother. Good luck with picking the battles, please come back to us.

Lost, I also have read your profile as well as the above discussion and my reaction is that I would never consent to living with someone who destroyed the peace and order of my continually and left all the messes for me to clean up. I wonder if you feel trapped by obligation - your mother needs oversight and you are the only one available to provide it, even you can't be there all the time and she's plenty noncompliant when you're not around. What I see is that she is making your life extremely difficult and unpleasant and she doesn't seem to care at all. The refusal to wear incontinence briefs - my word - if someone did that in my house, and refused to clean up after themselves, they'd be gone. Even if it were my mother.

Yes, you can put a lock on the fridge. I've watched shows about families of Prader-Willi children and they lock up everything when the kids are alone, and overnight. Lock the cabinets too if there's cereal, bread, crackers, or anything else she should be having in excess But essentially I agree with what was said by jeannegibbs above - your mother seems to be mentally impaired. It may be time to let her be moved to a nursing home. And, in either case, take control of your own home back. If she's not mentally impaired, you need to stop putting up with this disrespectful and harmful behavior (thank you jeannegibbs!). Caregivers have rights too!

I've now read your profile. I agree with blannie, and I think your mother must be cognitively impaired. You state her primary ailment is general age-related decline. But normal aging does not result in peeing all over the house without any concern about it. Just because a doctor doesn't think she is impaired enough to be legally declared incompetent doesn't mean she is aging normally.

Most persons with dementia cannot live alone beyond the very earliest stage. Your mother is alone while you work. That simply isn't adequate. Not Your Fault. Not Her Fault. But something must be done.

Given your career I'm sure you'll quickly become an expert and finding resources to make it happen.

And speaking of your career, it must be especially galling to you to see your mother's self-destructive behavior since you say, "All my professional life has been about helping people take more control over their own lives, and being responsible for themselves as adults. I am at a loss regarding how to deal with what is essentially, willfulness on the part of a competent adult."

Certainly your mother's behavior LOOKS willful. Even with dementia it is a best practice to encourage the person to take as much responsibility as they safely can. BUT with dementia there is a definite limit to what can be expected from them, and that limit gets lower and lower over time. There is physical damage to the brain and the person truly cannot always control their behavior.

There is a huge difference between falling short of the legal threshold for an "incompetent" ruling, and actually being "a competent adult."

Her doctor obviously knows she is not compliant with her care plan. Have you also told him about other behaviors at home, like not wearing incontinent briefs?

From what you've said, I believe your mother is mentally impaired.

If this is truly willful behavior then I agree with blannie and freqflyer. It is time to take charge and stop putting up with this disrespectful and harmful behavior.

(Tough love simply doesn't work with dementia and that is what I think you are dealing with.)

Does your mom have any cognitive impairment? If she does, then some of her behavior may be beyond her control. But if she doesn't, then why are you jumping through incredible hoops to keep her healthy when she has no obvious concern for her own health? Why should you be more concerned about her health than she is? I don't understand. Your relationship sounds pretty enmeshed to me.

If your mom does have cognitive impairment, then she needs to be in a place that can handle her needs and you need to go back to being a loving daughter and not the food police/nurse/maid/poop cleaner.

If your mom doesn't have cognitive impairment, I'd give her the option of behaving like a responsible adult, or she's out of your house (assuming she lives in your house and not the other way around). You've taken on wayyyyy too much responsibility for her if she doesn't have a mental impairment.

But freqflyer, it is NOT the goal of a good diabetic diet to eliminate carbs. It is to have a controlled amount. It is NOT to never have an orange. It is to not have three oranges at a time. If you are trying to lose weight you don't decide not to have any food ever. If you need to manage blood sugar you cannot decide to not have any carbs ever. That is an essential part of a healthy diet.

And why should Lost suffer even more by not having what she likes in the house? No bun on a burger at McD's, for Mom? Fine. But never any buns or bread for the caregiver at home, either? Way too burdensome for the OP. And eliminating carbs is contrary to the American Diabetic Association advice, as well as that of most certified diabetic educators.

Being diabetic is NOT like being sensitive or allergic to particular foods or food groups that you can learn to avoid. It is needing to control how much and when you eat the foods you need to eat. Huge difference. And in this case it seems Mom is out of control if left on her own.

Lock the refrigerator. There's no law against it.

Jeanne, at one time I had a wheat/dairy intolerance so I learned from that.... there are other food products one can substitute for meals. Example, for breakfast oatmeal with a small handful of walnuts and almonds, no milk. For lunch make a sandwich using lettuce as the "bread". One can get creative when the need calls. At McDonald's, hold the bun.

ff, so Lost stops at the store on her way home every night. She buys a quart of milk. And then what? Dumps out the 2 cups they don't have for dinner, to avoid having it in the fridge tomorrow? Likewise with the orange juice -- dump it out after breakfast? Feed 3/4 a loaf of bread to the squirrels every day, to avoid having extra available? What do you do with box of crackers after you've had enough with your soup? Should Lost never buy a box of Cherrios? And must she buy oranges 2 or 3 at a time, instead of the more economical bag?

Frqflyer, I don't remember enough of the details of your situation -- do you have diabetes? Ever lived with someone who does?

I'm trying to think of how I would "keep those items that would give me a sugar spike" out of the house. Since with the exception of non-starchy vegetables, pretty much any food that has carbohydrates can cause a sugar spike in someone who has diabetes. Sure, the wrapped candies I keep in a pretty bowl on the coffee table would be easy to remove. No problem. But, no milk in the house? No fruit juice? No fruit? No cereal? Crackers, bread, frozen hashbrowns? Wow. It would tremendously expensive to buy only one meal worth of such items at a time. I think that this solution would be a big burden for Lost. Locking up the "dangerous" foods makes more sense to me.

LostNLoopy, I read your profile and I hate to be blunt here but she sounds like a spoiled teenagers... good heavens, she spends 15 to 20 hours on-line in chat rooms? But won't wear pull-ups, thus you have your hands full with cleaning up after her. She diffidently is bored.

Do like anyone would do with a spoiled child, no pull-ups, no computer time.

As for the food issue, keep those items that would give her a sugar spike out of the house, even if it mean stopping by the grocery store on the way home from work every day. Find fresh veggies that don't have a lot of natural sugar. I can't vision your Mom finishing off a stock of fresh carrots.

She needs more supervision, and "we can't afford it" is not an adequate reason for her not to have it unless/until ALL possible financial solutions have been explored. Have you looked into Medicaid? Do you realize that Medicaid provides in-home care as well as financial help with nursing homes?

Have you actually looked at nursing homes that accept Medicaid? Don't make the assumption that they are inadequate compared to those who only accept self-pay.

As to your specific question, I don't see a problem with locking the fridge, especially if she has access to a reasonable number of snacks and plenty to drink during the day.

My heart goes out to you. You are doing your utmost to help keep Mom healthy, and yet her own behavior is self-destructive. How frustrating and painful! You obviously have to work, and there she is, unsupervised, and offsetting all your hard work!

I suggest expanding your focus to advocate for some kind of financial aid for Mom. I know you are already overwhelmed with managing her health concerns, but in the long run spending some effort in getting her financial help to afford the daytime care she needs could be a very worthwhile investment.

Continue to do your best. But also accept that this is not entirely within your control. Your mother's inability to help care of herself is Not Your Fault. (It is probably also Not Her Fault, if that helps any.) Take pride in all the care you are providing, and PLEASE do not fall prey to guilt feelings. You are doing an awesome job!

I can't imagine why a doctor would deem her competent. It sounds like it's very dangerous to leave her alone. I would consult with a doctor who handles dementia patients and explore filing for Medicaid.

So, have you applied for Medicaid so that your mom can get the 24/7 care she needs?