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Mom's home caregiver has been providing her 24/7 care for two months. Over these past weeks, they have developed a nice relationship. Mom and her children are so happy about this! Lisa the caregiver bought her a couple of pajama sets. Then she bought Mom groceries to feed her. Mom doesn't eat much - she's 99 and is not active. My brother and I take turns visiting and bringing dinner, so there is really way too much food.



We appreciate Lisa's generosity very much, and Mom has given her a check to cover these "gifts". It's been a bit much lately with her buying Mom more gifts and even more groceries that she even shares with us "kids". Mom wants to give her another check, for $500. We really appreciate Lisa, but are starting to feel uncomfortable about the situation.



My sister-in-law and I both feel the same and plan to talk with Lisa. The contract we signed doesn't mention caregivers giving or accepting gifts.



My question is: Has anyone ever been in this situation and/or have any suggestions?

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This is highly inappropriate. That isn't to say that Lisa is guilty of any wrong-doing. It is simply now to make it CRYSTAL CLEAR that this is not to be done every again, and that it will not be reimbursed.
It is NEVER a good thing to let the lines between hired caregiver and "family shopper", "shopper-shopper", "family friend" be blurred.
Simply sit Lisa down as you have planned; you are headed in exactly the right direction.
You need to make as clear to Mom also, as you can, that this leads to very muddy waters and that she needs not to be writing these checks, and never to give a credit card or information thereon to caregivers.
This isn't a question of "is it legal" because yes, it is legal to ask anyone you want to to shop for you, and to reimburse them. It is, however, bad practice with hired caregivers and can lead to problems from misunderstandings to worse.
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Thank Lisa for her thoughtfulness, tell her you're not happy to add shopping to her caregiving tasks, and institute a shopping list system: if there is anything Lisa believes your mother needs, Lisa is to write it down and you/SIL will see to it (once a week, say).

In an emergency, if Lisa has to get something for your mother immediately like milk or Depends, she is to give you the receipt and you will reimburse her. But nicely but firmly: no more recreational shopping.
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Well if Mom is giving her a check for these things, they are not really gifts. Our companion used to cook at her home, then bring a serving of soup or dessert for the folks,, no mention of money. She was welcome to eat anything we had here while she was working so it was sort of "tit for tat". She always offered to cook while she was here also. I think it's OK to let Lisa know you have the stuff covered and she does not need to buy anymore. Tell her Mom has a limited budget ( who cares if it;s true or not) and she can't really afford or needs these things. But the thought is appreciated! Let her know if she wants to bring Mom a gift,, some home picked flowers or a candy bar are plenty!
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Explain to Lisa that mom sees these gifts as charity, that’s why mom is quote unquote paying Lisa back, and that mom cannot afford this.
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Why $500.00? Why not $498.78? Any money your mother gives her should be followed with receipts. That isn't worded right but I can't think how to word it. Personally, I see a red flag here. I would put a stop to it. It sounds like this gal is taking advantage of your mother.
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The issue isn’t the gifting. It’s the fact that mother is paying about three times more than the actual value for the gift. The family is right in that this should be shut down.
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DrBenshir Apr 2022
If Mom is paying more than actual money spent, this is theft. It happened to my mom. Lisa (also the name of my Mom's caregiver at that time) was doing her family shopping at the same time and giving Mom one reciept for everything. Lisa ended up in jail after stealing from another employer. My mom refused to prosecute, as most elderly will.
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Caregiver is probably thinking she is being helpful and pleasing your mom..

suggest to caregiver , that your moms money situation has changed, and you don’t want the caregiver to be on the hook for “gifts”
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One more suggestion just in case, following on from Lisa's buying the pyjama sets: do encourage Lisa to tell you if there are basics missing which are making life more difficult for her or uncomfortable for your mother - clean underwear to put on after personal care routines, laundry basket, pedal bin in the bathroom, dry/wet wipes for freshen-ups, disposal bags for used continence products, socks that don't dig in to lower legs, that kind of thing.

It happens quite often that a client will have wardrobes and chests overflowing with clothes, but only two pairs of knickers that actually fit.
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It is very sad we live in a society where we have to question the legality of someone being nice to another person.
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This sounds like a really slippery slope! It can start out totally innocent, Lisa sees something she thinks Mom would like. Mom is so delighted to receive the little "gift" and of course Lisa must be reimbursed, she shouldn't be spending her own money. It keeps happening and pretty soon it's getting a little lucrative for Lisa ($500?) Yes, it's inappropriate and needs to be stopped. If Lisa is truly well-meaning, speaking to her about it and letting her know that no further reimbursements will be made should do the trick. If she's not so honest, she'll probably move on and find a new mark. I hope it's the former.
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