Czech, the older I get, the less I care what people think about me, even relatives.
Folks with your mom's sort of profile are often extremely good at charming others and playing the victim. Proceed in such a way that protects your health, mental and physical.
You aren't responsible for your Mother or her happiness or care. If you are feeling burdened by her safety, then report her to APS. Maybe talk to a therapist to identify healthy boundaries and figure out strategies to defend them. I wish you peace in your heart.
It is not heartless for you to diconnect from your elderly mother if you have had a lifetime of her games, deceptions, and betrayals. You should not have a moment of guilt over it either.
Your mother sounds like she's a very toxic person and that is the last thing someone who is in mourning and grieving needs to have in their life.
You can still have her in your life if you want to but it will have to be on your terms, not hers. This will have to be explained to her. Only if you want to though. No judgment on you if you decide to not have any relationship with her or any other toxic, dysfunctional person.
Good luck to you and I am very sorry for your loss.
Not at all. If disconnecting will be safer for you, healthier for you then by all means do what you need to do for yourself. And do not let anyone tell you that that is selfish. It is called self preservation.
Take care of yourself first (and always). Toxic people have no place in our lives, related or not.
I'm very sorry about the loss of your husband. By the way, in my neighborhood, someone is forming a recent widows group, bereaved in the past year. This is different from the grief support groups that are often recommended. The woman who started it is overwhelmed with recent widows who want to meet others in the same situation.
Why don't you start a recently widowed group? Then you'll be with others who are going through the same difficulties. Go on your merry way, sing tra-la tra-la, and find kind people who care about you. And Bad Mom will be on your mind a lot less.
Czech, I can't imagine wanting to be around ANYONE who is deceptive or duplicitous.
This goes even more so for a parent.
Have you read Liz Scheier's Never Simple? It's a book by a woman with a mom who really never told the truth and charmed everyone around her. In truth, she was severely mentally ill.
The only way the author survived was by limiting contact and refusing to act as POA.
No not heartless. One thing, you weren't able to deal with Mom because you were caring for DH. Now you don't have to deal with her because your burnt out and just don't want to put up with her. 😊 Like Barb says, as we get older we care less. Why, because we have been through all the s _ _ t and are tired. I think I saw where ur 78? Your a Senior with no energy left for a 90+yr old Mother. Let her talk to the relatives just say I just cared for my DH I have no energy left. I am 74 and have no energy left. I was responsible for Mom who suffered from Dementia and then and now I oversee a disabled nephew. I am done. Taking care of DH is a given but I have my limitations there.
The Widow thing...my Mom had a friend that had set up a group. They went to lunch/dinner and did some other things. A friend of mine is a widow and her other friend single. They went to breakfast together. A mutual friend, also a widow, they went to school with joined them. So they set it up as a weekly get together. The school friend brought another widow so that now makes up a 4some. They sometimes go to dinner. They sit and talk for hours.
What kind of care does Mom need now. Is she already in an AL or LTC?
Yes I am tired and burned out. I’m 67 and work full-time plus hours and have been working every weekend to get ready to sell a property to pay for husbands nursing home expenses. He didn’t have a set aside for his final arrangements either. My mother is almost 85 and has been in a dysfunctional marriage for 67 years. My mom maintains a 2 level home and 1 acre of property..Dad won’t move to a patio home. I’m tired of dealing with the dysfunction, but regret not having a living mother in my life. I so appreciate your input and will look into a widows support group. I was going to join one early on, but they meet during the day when I work. I’ll keep looking.
Folks with your mom's sort of profile are often extremely good at charming others and playing the victim. Proceed in such a way that protects your health, mental and physical.
I'm so sorry to hear about your husband.
Spot on! Thank you so much!
Do whatever you need to do in order to not only survive, but to thrive in peace. Who needs chaos in their lives? No one!
You should not have a moment of guilt over it either.
Your mother sounds like she's a very toxic person and that is the last thing someone who is in mourning and grieving needs to have in their life.
You can still have her in your life if you want to but it will have to be on your terms, not hers. This will have to be explained to her. Only if you want to though.
No judgment on you if you decide to not have any relationship with her or any other toxic, dysfunctional person.
Good luck to you and I am very sorry for your loss.
If disconnecting will be safer for you, healthier for you then by all means do what you need to do for yourself.
And do not let anyone tell you that that is selfish. It is called self preservation.
I'm very sorry about the loss of your husband. By the way, in my neighborhood, someone is forming a recent widows group, bereaved in the past year. This is different from the grief support groups that are often recommended. The woman who started it is overwhelmed with recent widows who want to meet others in the same situation.
Why don't you start a recently widowed group? Then you'll be with others who are going through the same difficulties. Go on your merry way, sing tra-la tra-la, and find kind people who care about you. And Bad Mom will be on your mind a lot less.
This goes even more so for a parent.
Have you read Liz Scheier's Never Simple? It's a book by a woman with a mom who really never told the truth and charmed everyone around her. In truth, she was severely mentally ill.
The only way the author survived was by limiting contact and refusing to act as POA.
The Widow thing...my Mom had a friend that had set up a group. They went to lunch/dinner and did some other things. A friend of mine is a widow and her other friend single. They went to breakfast together. A mutual friend, also a widow, they went to school with joined them. So they set it up as a weekly get together. The school friend brought another widow so that now makes up a 4some. They sometimes go to dinner. They sit and talk for hours.
What kind of care does Mom need now. Is she already in an AL or LTC?
I so appreciate your input and will look into a widows support group. I was going to join one early on, but they meet during the day when I work. I’ll keep looking.